'AITA for going on a cruise with my mom right before the birth of my niece?' UPDATED
"AITA for going on a cruise right before the birth of my niece?"
My mom and I booked a Disney cruise with other extended family months ago, but it’s set to happen two weeks before my brother’s baby is due. My brother and his wife have been under a lot of stress (job loss, one child with a severe disability, and a high-risk pregnancy.)
They were counting on my mom to watch their daughter during the birth, and just found out that we will only get back two weeks before the due date.
My SIL had a total meltdown, crying, yelling, and calling my mom irresponsible and selfish for going so close to the due date, especially since they’re relying on her for child care. My mom thinks two weeks is plenty of time and was shocked at their reaction. However, they both still think my mom is in the wrong and should cancel the trip.
If she doesn't, it will cause “irreparable damage” to their relationship. I understand their stress, but I feel like canceling a trip we booked a long time ago and have been looking forward to just in case of an early delivery is unfair. Am I (and is my mom) the asshole for still going?
Not long after posting, OP shared an update.
Edit: The cruise was booked in August, pregnancy announced in September. The cruise is in April. Induction is scheduled in May. She would never have scheduled it like this intentionally, but nobody put together how close the timing was until recently.
Also, there are no other living grandparents (that's why they're not helping out.) I do not know what specifically was agreed to in terms of child care, but clearly calendars were not used.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
Usrname52 wrote:
Did your mom know about the pregnancy before the cruise was booked? And you said they were counting on her to be there...did she say she would be? Because then, yes, she's the AH. (You have nothing to do with it, but I guess YTA as her proxy). Or did they just assume? I couldn't imagine my parents being away when I had a baby.
They are our biggest support system, and most importantly, they would WANT to be there. If your mom has been the primary support person for their toddler, I could imagine how surprised they are that she doesn't care to be there/help them when the new baby is born.
I'm not entitled to my parents caring for my older kid, but I really couldn't fathom them not being there. They are going to have to rethink their entire support system....which involves finding a carer for their severely disabled child. One that the kid can be comfortable with, and one that will be on call when needed.
Two weeks before the due date is not "early". And, as someone said, a cruise is one of the worst places for germs and getting sick, so I wouldn't want someone around my newborn for like 2 weeks coming back. How far out is this from now? How much time do your brother and SIL have to make entirely different plans?
OP responded:
The cruise was booked before the pregnancy was announced. I don't know the specifics of what she agreed to, but she said she would help out and they certainly took that to mean during the birth (and apparently up to a month before). She wants to be there for them. The timing was unintentional.
Fickle_Toe1724 wrote:
NTA. Why isn't her OWN mother going to be helping? Or anyone in her family? Did they talk to your mom about needing her help on X date? No? Then go on the trip and enjoy. Your brother and his wife need to find alternatives for their older child. This is their problem, not yours and not your mother's.
OP responded:
Her mother passed of lung cancer in the height of the pandemic two weeks after her first daughter was born. There are no other living grandparents.
FaelingJester wrote:
NTA but I also wouldn't want someone who just came off of a packed cruise during flu season watching my kid with a high risk pregnancy that could go critical at any time. That doesn't make it your fault or your mothers. It's just a bad scary situation.
ReadySettyGoey wrote:
ESH. SIL’s reaction is not helpful given this sounds like a potential miscommunication. But your mom also sucks for suggesting getting back two weeks before the due date is plenty of time such that she can still be relied on. And as others have said, you don’t go on a cruise right before watching a small child and being around a newborn - that’s just asking for trouble in terms of sickness/germs.
I just feel bad for your brother. My in-laws volunteered to watch my kiddo while we’re in the hospital for the birth of our second and voluntarily stopped traveling six weeks before my due date just in case.
GoopinThisBowllsvile wrote:
NTA - If your mom gives in to the demands of the terrorists they’ll just lean that they’ll get what they want if they act crappy enough. Go on your vacation. If the kid shows up early they can figure it out and make it work.
Last I checked that was an important part of parenting.
I’m also really past the point of being understanding about the demands and other bulls--t parents somehow think everyone should do in order to cater to them.
Bookscoffee1991 wrote:
NTA, but soft YTA to your mom. I know that will be unpopular. However, I know for a fact Disney cruises can be changed without penalty early on. She may still be able to get a credit. If your mom knew they were relying on her for childcare she should’ve rescheduled. 2 weeks before a due date is wild.
Baby could obviously come at any time. If the older child is special needs plus with their job loss I doubt they can just hire a babysitter to watch for possibly days. Your mom KNEW she was extremely needed and didn’t consider this?
It was short sightedness on your mom’s part. I just had twins 3 weeks ago. I also have a 3.5 year old. He stated overnight with grandma for 3 nights. While in preterm I went to the ER three times, and then had a rough recovery involving another ER visit and multiple drs appointments.
I don’t know what we would’ve done without help. I know the internet is all your child, your responsibility. Which sure, but like these are people you love right? SIL could be going through labor and delivery and recovery alone which is incredibly scary, probably traumatic, and frankly dangerous to have no advocate for her.