'I fell in love during divorce, and then went scorched earth over inheritance rings. AITA?' UPDATED 3X

"I fell for my affair partner during divorce."

I'm in the middle of a divorce with my (26f) husband (29m) the divorce happened for many reasons. I started dating my ex when I was 15 and got married at 19. I was so young and broken from childhood SA. He made me feel complete, and used to say that he was the only one who could help put me back together.

I believed him. I thought if I was with him, I'd be okay. That was true for the most part, but I lost a lot of my identity. I thought I was happy. But when you lose yourself in someone, you can't understand how t*xic they can be, because I thought I was finally whole. Then 2020 hit. My husband's infrequent outbursts became more common as his drinking got worse.

He would scream at me, tell me I was worthless and stupid. Tell me I wasn't enough fun anymore. Coerce me into s-x by telling me I was useless unless I put out and that he deserved it. He also h*t me a few times when I got mad back or said no to s-x. He messed around with his friend's wife, and his best friend's girlfriend. To be honest. I thought I deserved this behavior.

I thought I deserved the a--se because I wasn't good enough. This is where the second part of my story starts. I found out about his friend's girlfriend because the friend told me. He didn't deny it. I felt broken. I resolved to stay and work it out, but I ended up close with his friend. We started hanging out, and I felt very close with him super quickly.

I pumped the brakes when I thought I might have feelings and talked with my husband. He, maybe because he was dr-nk, maybe because he thought I wouldn't do it, gave me the go ahead. He said he figured if he f--ked around, I could too. I enjoyed every minute with him. At first, it was purely s-xual. He was leaving a bad relationship, I was trying to learn how to ask for what I wanted.

But over time, I found out how awesome he was, and little by little, my personality felt like it was coming back. One day, I decided to tell him everything he did to me. With my new confidence, I learned that I didn't deserve that behavior. He was absolutely horrified. Said he figured something was up, but didn't realize to what extent.

He said he would be there for me, no matter what, and he was. We fell in love, and I didn't know what to do. He loves me, but isn't sure if he wants to be with me because of the severe blowback he'd have personally. I ended up deciding to get divorced. Even if I couldn't have him, I knew that I couldn't be in that home, constantly scared and freaking out. I filed, and then it was like a switch for my husband.

He stopped drinking, said he would go to couples therapy, and honestly, all the abuse stopped. I felt like I was making the wrong decision. Like I should stay, but I knew I could not ever go back to how it was. He asked me to stop seeing my partner. I told him I did, but I did not. I couldn't, and even though my husband was trying, I couldn't get over everything he did to me over the last 3 years.

Maybe I could have if I stopped seeing my friend, but I didn't. I just knew I never wanted to go back to the potential of that. Now, I feel horrible, I still am seeing my friend. I'm still in love with him. Even with the uncertain future, I enjoy every day I get to see him. He said he feels the same. The guilt about it eats at me, but I just can't stop seeing him.

In the divorce, my friends all took his side. He told them about my friend, but not about his ab-se, and with him working on himself, I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't think it was helpful. so now, everyone knows about me and my friend, but everyone thinks we are not together. No one really talks to us though

My divorce should be over in December. I'm excited and ready for it all to be behind me. I won't lie though, I'm hopeful that my friend and I can be together. And if that makes me a bad person, that sucks, but I don't want to wait hoping a man can get it together. I want something great that's in front of me, and if we don't work, that's fine too. I just know I deserve better.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

No_Investigator_6528 wrote:

You're making a mistake by not telling your friends what's really going on. You're allowing him to trash you and he will continue to do it. Give your friends a chance to support you. And take it from a much older sister...the working on himself thing is phony.

He'd go right back to being an abusive asshole if you went back. It happens all the time...spouse a--ses other spouse then vows to "fix things" when they leave.

All they do is go right back when spouse is roped back in. Your new guy is a rebound. When you've been with an abuser pretty much anyone who doesn't a--se you looks good. Been there, have the t-shirt. Get divorced and stay single while you get on your own two feet.

OP responded:

Yeah, he might be a rebound, but I've been with him for a year. He's been very supportive. I'm hoping that we take some time apart and I can heal. I hot my own apartment 2 hrs from my ex, in a big city, able to make my own money and it's been nice

namegamenoshame wrote:

I am so proud of you for getting out of this horrible marriage anyway you can. But I want you to know this time apart from your other guy is a gift you absolutely must accept.

I’ve been in these…sadly, a couple of these situations before and I have to tell you, I do not regret the relationships so much as I regret not talk to the time to be alone for a long time. You are so brave but you need to heal and learn to love yourself more — I can see you’re already on your way, but you know, do it more.

OP responded:

Thank you, I appreciate it. I kinda needed the permission to do just that. My friend said he will be completely understanding if that's what I choose and support it. I'm just trying to wait until I get my bearings in the new city before we part ways.

He knows this. But neither of us want it, but we know I need it. And if he's still single when that happens and we hit it off again, that'd be amazing, but it will also be fine if not.

Four months later, OP shared another relevant post/update.

"AITA for going scorched earth over my inheritance rings?"

My (f27) mom passed a year ago. It was known that it was a possibility, so my mom divided up her jewelry my dad had gotten her over the years to give to us if she passes. I had picked out 2 rings I had helped my dad pick out. They were not cheap, about $10,000 a piece when I got them appraised. When I left my husband (30m), I left pretty quickly and with basically nothing just to get out.

He kept some of my stuff, but it was in our divorce agreement that certain things were to be given to me and held in a safe deposit box until I could get them. I took basically nothing monetarily from the marriage when I left, and gave him basically everything.

The divorce is now final, and I finally came back to my home state to pick up the rings. I found out that he did not put the rings in the safety deposit box. Just some of my other jewelry. I confronted him about it, and I found out that not only did he not place them for safekeeping.

He stored them in his new girlfriends (f21) apartment, who says she had them in her jewelry box for safekeeping but she can't find them. She knew what they were according to the texts I have, and that they were not his or a gift. I talked to my divorce lawyer. He's filing a lawsuit since 1. Inheritance is not marital property, and 2. My ex did not follow his end of the divorce decree.

I'm asking for $25000, the cost of the rings plus emotional damages for the loss of the only thing I have left from my mom. I also filed a report to the p-lice for the theft of the rings by his girlfriend. That probably won't go anywhere though, but they are investigating is she or he sold them. I think it's a high possibility given the value.

I'm devastating by losing these. They were so special to me.

He and his girlfriend are pissed at me because it's too much money that they don't have, she could get charged with theft or laundering the money from selling them for my ex (not sure, this is mostly from my lawyer) and its just a couple rings.

His friends (my old friends who I don't speak with) have been blowing up my phone calling me a b-ch, and I hurt him so much already and to just leave it alone, that I'm getting what I deserved.

I wish I could get the rings back, but I'm so upset at this and over his whole attitude about it that I want to basically go scorched earth on them. At this point it's not only about the sentimental value, but to give a big fuck you after everything. AITAH for seeing my ex for my rings and potentially getting his girlfriend in legal trouble?

The comments quickly filtered in.

yrnkween wrote:

NTA. He needs to give you a complete and honest account of what happened to your rings. If he’d rather see his new girlfriend locked up than face the truth, well it sucks to be her and be thrown under the bus.

OP responded:

That's my biggest thing. I want to know where they went. If he would just tell me, locate them, and give them back, I might not have to do this. It's not even about the money, it's about taking away something so important to me. Most likely they're in some pawn shop. I'm not in town much longer, but my siblings said they would search every pawn shop to see if one of them have it.

Shakeamutt wrote:

Yeah, theft over $5K is an indictable offenze. In the US, would constitute a f-lony. Is it? Probably depending on the state. Major faux pas and major f--k up.

OP responded:

It's a felony. It's just whether or not they can get proof of the actual theft. It seems like the c-ps are viewing it as a divorce issue more so than a criminal issue. They are looking into it, but I don't think it's a priority for them. My best bet is probably going back to divorce court, according to my attorney.

Ok_Play2364 wrote:

Who cares what his friends say? The rings were your property, and he either lost or sold them. Hold them accountable.

OP responded:

I agree, I just hate how my phone is blowing up. Its hard to continuously be called a b-ch/everything else they say about me. I've been thinking about changing my number over all this.

rythmicbread wrote:

Idk how losing $20k is okay with them.

OP responded:

They think I'm a cheater/ruined his life. My other post gets into it more, but basically he was an a--sive alcoholic who cheated a lot. I got with a guy after he said I could, and everyone believes I got with my new guy and left, not recognizing his a--se/cheating on me throughout the marriage. So, they think I deserve it.

Puzzleheaded_Big3319 wrote:

If you have photos, you can have your family take them to the pawn shops and explain the situation. They won't want to hold on to stolen goods.

OP responded:

We have photos thank God. We took pictures when deciding who would get what so that my dad knew who to give them too.

Ten days later, OP shared an update.

I posted around a week ago about my ex husband stealing my rings. I was getting nowhere with him. The c--s seemed pretty uninterested, and my lawyer said that while we had a case, it could take ages. My family went through a lot of pawn shops, but couldn't find anything.

I was feeling pretty horrible about everything going on, and figured they were a lost cause, until a friend from my past messaged me on Instagram earlier this week. She never had sent me anything bad like other people, we just didn't talk, she linked a profile of my ex's new girlfriends brother and said, "I'm not sure, his fiancé's ring looks like it might be yours."

This friend also lost her mother when she was younger, and said she didn't care what happened between me and my ex, but she wasn't letting some guy take that away from me. We talked for a bit, and she said she was upset when she heard about the rings being missing and my ex had gloated saying I wasn't ever giving them back, and wanted to find them if she could.

I went over to the page and sure as hell my favorite ring, a diamond with weaving silver and rose gold diamond paved band was prominent in his engagement photos. I then went all CIA on them, looked at every family member this girl has and found another sister with my other ring, saying it was her purity ring gifted by her sister for her 16th birthday. I was floored. And very pissed.

I called into work for the rest of the week, and drove my a-- back to my hometown, picked up my brother, and went to my ex's apartment. My ex answered the door, and I lied, telling him that the c--s were going to arrest his girlfriend's brother and sister for theft, and he could give me those rings back in two days or else.

One day went by, no rings, so I messaged the brothers new fiancee on Instagram, showed her pictures of the ring on my hand/on my moms hand, and said it was stolen, and that I wanted it back. This poor girl was appalled. I honestly think she had no idea. We ended up calling each other, she apologized, and said she would talk to her fiancee. I told her that I was getting that ring back.

We ended up meeting up. I showed her more proof it was mine, told her the whole story, and thank god, she gave it back to me. She said she didn't like her fiancees sister, and that she thought she was bad news, and basically stayed away from her. She said she would talk to her fiancee about why in the he'll he thought getting a ring from her would be a good idea.

I guess word got out, and my ex started calling me incessantly. Basically leaving messages saying he'd do anything, but don't make his girlfriends sister give back the ring, it was embarrassing, ect. I picked my brother back up, went back to his apartment. This time both his girlfriend and him were there.

Yelling match started. My brother had to keep me from basically clawing the eyes out of that b--ch. I ended up literally sitting in their entryway saying I wasn't leaving until I got that ring, or they could call the cops to remove me and I'd tell them about the rings. I don't know exactly what happened after that, but she left, and came back with the ring after about an hour.

The whole time my ex is saying my mom was basically his too, and he should have something from her and it was only right. My brother was basically staying in between me and him, telling him to back off. When I got the second ring back, I stood up and just finally lost my s--t. Years of him and I don't think I'd ever gotten that mad before.

I screamed at him, told him off, and spit on him when I left. I don't think it was the most mature response, but it felt f--king good. I'm also surprised that he didn't get a noise complaint/cops called on us but the apartment isn't necessarily known for being nice. As for why the f--k that woman thought it a good idea to give the rings to her family, I don't know.

I'm hoping that old friend might give me some gossip, or that I might hear from the fiancee, but honestly, I'm just happy that my rings are back, and the drama is settled. I don't have to deal with them anymore.

Nothing else is needed from our divorce decree. My boyfriend promised me a massage and cuddles from the cat when I get back into town, and honestly, I'm just hoping to never hear from them again.

The internet was still deeply invested.

SnooWords4839 wrote:

Glad you got them back! I hope his GF runs!

OP responded:

Honestly. I think they deserve each other. They both knew exactly what they were doing. But the not heartless side of me hopes she sees him for what he is and leaves and that he gets sober and gets better.

Carribean_Mango wrote:

It was so satisfying to read that you spat on him, f-ing good, he deserved it.

LLJKSilk wrote:

Awesome update. Glad that you're now free to cut ties with the trash.

Seven months later, OP shared an update.

Last time I updated, I let everyone know I got my rings back. I have a little update in a positive direction, and some more info about the girlfriends ex future SIL. Some people complained about names/confusion, so here it is.

(Editor’s Notes: added relationship terms to clarify who is who).

Daisy: my exes girlfriend (Luke’s GF)

Luke: my ex

Kayla: exes girlfriends future sil (Dave’s GF)

Dave: exes girlfriends brother (Daisy’s brother)

Luke had reached out to my brother asking to speak to me. I had him blocked so I never got the messages. My brother asked me and I agreed. Luke told me went to treatment, has been sober, and is remorseful. He said that the ring debacle and divorce made him realize how f--ked up he became.

He started AA, therapy, and broke up with his girlfriend, dumped his enabling friends, and is living with his brother for now. He found a few more things, like pictures of my mom and gave them to my brother to give me. He let me know he understands I want minimal contact and won't reach out again unless I do. I'm honestly happy for him, and hoping he stays sober.

Update on Daisy, Kayla, and Dave according to Kayla. I guess there was a lot of tension. The girls had no contact with Dave saying he did not know about the ring, until Luke left Daisy. Once he did, Daisy showed up at Kayla and Dave's house begging for a place to stay. She couldn't afford rent on her own. Dave, without asking Kayla, said yes. She moved in and I guess it was a s--t show from the start.

She didn't help out, was constantly drunk/high. It devolved further and daisy stole some of Kayla's jewelry. Dave kept covering for her and Kayla thought she was going crazy until she caught Daisy in her and Dave's bedroom looking through stuff. Daisy and Kayla got into it, and it came out that Dave knew about the ring and again, Dave covered for Daisy.

The fight got physical. Cops were called and Daisy was arrested for ass--lt and d--g possession. Once Dave got home, Dave was pissed about his sister going to jail, while Kayla was pissed about the ring/her own jewelry. They broke up. They are in the process of selling their house. She called me sometime after all this to vent/let me know. It sounds like she doesn't have a good support system.

As for me, I am still living my best life with my boyfriend and cat. I'm treated so well and am still in therapy to heal. I'm pretty far removed from all the crazy. I don't plan on updating again as I'm doing well and no longer have anything to do with any of this. Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I appreciate everything.

The internet was happy to hear this update.

Twinkle_Scarlet wrote:

It sounds like you've found some peace and closure. I'm glad things are working out for you. Enjoy your best life!

Samarkand457 wrote:

You should be a character witness at Daisy's trial.

...I didn't say you would be a good one.