'AITA for hating my wife's creepy 'hobby project?' It feels like it's gone too far.' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for hating my wife's creepy 'hobby project?'"
Okay this sounds insane but I SWEAR my wife is totally normal otherwise–which makes this so strange to me! For context we're both in our later thirties and live in a pretty typical suburban neighborhood where we all know each other.
My wife has always loved trashy movies and shows about infidelities, and she eats up true cr-me about spouses offing their cheating partners too. She just says something about it makes her "morbidly fascinated" in her words.
Well, a couple months back we had a scandal in our neighborhood where a married couple in the neighborhood divorced because the husband cheated. No, there wasn't a m--der or anything like that, but she became obsessed with learning every detail from every neighbor. No matter the occasion, be it a baby shower or cookout, she would bring it up hoping there would be any new information.
A month later is when I stumbled on "the board" in her home office. I was doing some cleaning and I found a massive bulletin board facing away leaned up against the wall. Curiousity got the better of my and I turned it around to find a literal freaking POLICE CRIME BOARD of all our neighbors' pictures with lines of yarn connecting each other like the freaking Pepe Silvia meme.
Pepe Silvia meme:
I was totally confused and asked where what this was and she told me it was a hobby she had started recently where she would track rumors or likely candidates for cheating on the board. The yarn represented who was possibly cheating with whom.
She had clearly gotten all the images on Facebook or some social media and printed them out and even had a few sticky notes with "details." I told her this was creepy and insane and she said maybe if I was doing it as a man, but she is just having harmless fun as a hobby and she wouldn't be crazy and try to oust anyone based on rumors, she just likes feeling like a detective.
She told me to view it like a creative art piece. I was still super weirded out but let it go, or tried. I thought about it a lot. Well every now and then I admit to checking the board when cleaning, but just a couple days ago I looked to see that now I was on the board with a yarn attached to a neighbor's wife I am casual friends with??
I asked her why she would add me if she thought I was cheating and she said that was a different yarn color for potential "matches" for cheating? She said if it makes me feel better she was planning on adding herself to the board soon. Well I got pissed and kind of lost my temper about it.
I told her to get rid of the board or our marriage will be in trouble. Things have been super rocky since. Sorry for the long post, I am starting to feel bad and it hit me more than usual this morning. Should I apologize to her? And before you ask, no, I don't suspect her of cheating. Honestly I wish she was because it would at least make more sense than this. AITA??
The internet had a lot to say in response.
shutupimlurkingbro wrote:
I really couldn’t see it getting weirder until she mentioned adding herself to the board. This is a strange game your wife’s playing and it seems like an unhealthy obsession with infidelity.
Good_Focus2665 wrote:
NTA. I’m big fan of true crime myself and can be nosy about neighborhood gossip. But I would use my yarn to crochet stuff while I watch or listen to True Cr-me YouTube channels. It’s absolutely creepy for her to print out pictures of her neighbors and then speculating about you and another neighbor.
You don’t have to be ok with whatever your spouse does. I would have done the same thing if I were in your shoes.
Tall-Negotiation6623 wrote:
NTA. Obsession is not healthy and isn’t a hobby. She’s borderline st@lking people because of some weird obsession with the concept of infidelity. She needs therapy. I wouldn’t have stayed for a second if my husband did this creepy s-t.
allroadshome wrote:
NTA. First of all you should mention to her that you and the people in your social circles are real people not characters to write weird fanfic about. The board is just straight up inappropriate, the thoughts on that board are what we call Inside Thoughts aka shouldn't be spoken aloud or scrapbooked.
But really reinforce the part where it is absolutely insane to be so obsessed with the people in your lives and speculating everyone is cheating or otherwise a Cinematic Universe of true crime and her lack of shame about it Super Concerning. You have to evaluate whether you're okay with being attached to the town gossip (who also leaves obvious, creepy evidence of being the town gossip where it is easily found).
Second: She mentioned adding herself to the cheater board she is basically soft launching the idea.
Third: Since this post is about her making weird crime theories about real people let me toss one out here (in jest): what if she left it out for you to find and put you on there and said she would put herself on there to try and create some sort of weird true cr!me storyline in her own life?
Like trying to push you to break or something? 99% sure this isn't the case but also the Pepe Silva board is unhinged enough that like there is still that 1% chance.
A little less than a week later, OP shared an update.
Anyway. Firstly, appreciate all of the concern and NTAs. It gave me the courage to approach her and tell her that while I may have overreacted by threatening our marriage, I think it is a creepy thing to do. She apologized and said she would get rid of the board. I thought we were good. Literally two days later. TWO DAYS LATER. S%** hits the fan.
Our happily married next door neighbor finds a woman's bra under the bed that does not belong to her. It doesn't take long for the whole neighborhood to find out. Well, my wife is giddy, like jumping up and down for joy. She shows me the board (which she still didn't trash like she promised) and of course the husband was marked with yarn meaning he was likely to cheat.
She told me the board was accurate after all and maybe she should keep her hobby around. I was definitely suspicious, so I looked at the board again later. It looked different from the last time I saw it before the latest scandal.
Instead of the yarn connecting to another neighbor, the cheating husband's yarn connected to a post-it with a question mark. First, it was the only question mark there and I SWORE it wasn't there last time I saw the board. So either she changed it after cheating to prove a point, or slightly before it happened, which made me even more suspicious either way. Now I felt like I was the detective and I was going crazy.
I went over to the cheating husband's to ask a few questions. The wife was staying at her parents so it was just the two of us. I asked him if he actually did it and he said no, he would never. Then I asked if my wife had been over recently. He said one day while you were at work his wife asked her to water a plant they had while they were both away and told her where the key was, so yes.
I immediately raised an eyebrow. I asked if he still had the bra and he was getting nervous and told me not to get the wrong idea. I said don't worry. He still had the bra and I looked at it. It was my wife's, but one I knew she almost never wore because it was from a lingerie set I bought her one Christmas she said was uncomfortable.
I told my neighbor I needed to talk to my wife and ran out but I told him not to worry. I approached her with the bra and asked her what was going on. She played stupid but I told her to cut the BS. I asked if she had either cheated on me with him or planted it there, either way she was in trouble.
She confessed to planting the bra and said it was to make me admit her hobby was "valid" or something. I flipped on her. I said this was worse than her cheating on me because instead of ruining just our marriage she ruined our neighbors' AND ours. I demanded she call the wife and admit to everything, even sending pictures of the board.
I even showed the post which actually helped convince her my wife had planted it rather than cheated with her husband. Well they made up but now I have no idea what to do.I am barely speaking to my wife and it is only a matter of time before the entire neighborhood figures this out. I seriously need advice.
Commenters did not hold back one bit.
Cool_Description8334 wrote:
I honestly refuse to believe this is real. Your wife is actually nuts. This is insane behavior to have
Cheeseballfundue wrote:
I was thinking just the opposite - this one is so original it's GOT to be real. No AI is going to come up with this insanity, that's left to humans!
blucougar57 wrote:
One word. DIVORCE. I’m sorry but your wife deliberately interfered with someone else’s marriage, to the point where it could have been ruined, just so she could ‘validate her hobby’. She did not validate it. What she did is inexcusable imo.
Two months later OP came back with this "final update:"
It's been months since last update. Sorry, I've been busy. Long story short: my wife is in a mental health facility.
After what had happened previously, I did not speak to my wife for a while. I tried to stay working or out of the house as often as I could. Well, a few weeks passed and time made it seem like less and less of a big deal. Finally my wife offered to take me out to a very nice dinner to make things up to me.
She told me everything was behind her and while I was avoiding her she had actually started online therapy to get help and realized now what she did was wrong. I really believed her and we had a great night. One thing led to another that night and... yea lol.
It took about 2 days after that for her to get a pregnancy test and she texted me the positive result. Yeah, I know some of you already think I'm an f*cking moron but it had been a rough year and this made me really happy. I started getting very excited. We started talking about turning my home office to a baby room, looking up ways to prepare, booking appointments, planning a shower, etc.
A really fun but whirlwind week. Unfortunately she told me the first ultrasound was at a time I had to be at work and she would have to go alone. really bummed me out and I asked her to reschedule but she said it was the only availability. Well that next week she went and I waiting for an update or pictures or anything.
Nothing. She came home and was super quiet and I flipped out and got super worried that the worst had happened. I told her I understood she was probably in a lot of pain about something but she had to tell me.
She finallly admitted no, it wasn't a miscarriage. But she was actually pregnant for longer than she thought, longer than the last time we did it... she actually got pregnant during the time I was avoiding her.
Obviously I was so mad and upset and I couldn't understand why she would do this to me, but then I realized all the signs were there for so long and all the comments telling me she was probably cheating was right. But I tried to keep a clear head for at least a second because I really love my wife and I couldn't believe it
I asked her who it could have been and she actually said she didn't know. She said she hadn't done it with anyone during the time I was avoiding her. She swore it and also didn't know what this meant. I thought about it and realized if she was really pregnant for that long, her tummy should be showing and it wasn't.
I decided to call the place and ask them to confirm what they said. My wife told me it would be a waste of time and she promised she heard them clearly, so I didn't do it that night. But I couldn't sleep that night without hearing it from the doctors myself. I called the clinic she told me she went to the day before in the morning and asked them to confirm the results.
They told me soemthing worse than I expected. She had no visit, she was never there. I didn't understand that at all. Before I talked to my wife again I did what I should have done in the first place and reverse image searched the pregnancy test image.
Yeah it was on google from a random years old facebook post. I was again really mad at my wife and couldn't believe she would put me through all this.
I confronted her about the picture and that I called the place and there was no appointment. I told her she had a pattern of lying and this was probably the end of our relationship. But she responded in a way i didn't expect.
She burst into tears and went manic (which I did expect) but THEN said that she really had cheated on me and really was pregnant and that I had made this up in my head because I couldn't face what she did to me. She said she felt like "the devil and hitler" and started sobbing and literally screaming at the top of her lungs.
She locked herself in the bathroom and told me she was [self harm] over what she did to me. I couldn't get the door open and freaked out. I called the cops and they broke the door down. She was not hurt but she was really out of it.
They took her to get a mental evaluation and she told them everything there. She even started mixing in stuff about the board and how she knew everyone around her was a cheater so she had done the same because she was in an evil place. She promised them she was pregnant but she didn't know who the father was.
They tested her while in custody and no pregnancy at all. They told me she was likely suffering from a form of schizophrenia and actually genuinely beleived that she was saying, and likely always had to some level, but it seemed to be getting worse. They said she had a symptom called "Self accusation" and needed help.
Well I got her in a facility last week and she is safe. They are making a little progress, I do not think she thinks she is pregnant anymore. I have visted a few times but she is very withdrawn with me and says she feels too guilty to look me in the eye.
I think there was definitely meddling at certain parts like planting evidence, but now I just feel terrible I did not get her the help she needed when all the real signs were there. I hope her medication starts to help and she can be normal again. And yeah, the neighborhood gossip is having a field day with all this.
Anyway thanks for listening. I hope this is my last update. Thanks for all the help.
EDIT: My wife has been to the clinic before and I am an authorized contact. I can ask about her appointments. Also, local area so I know the front desk lady. She was as confused as I was when she saw there were no appts scheduled and no record of her going.
Why don't all you losers shove a fork up your a$# and twist it. Also, never responding to comments and honestly debating adding this edit. F*^% off kindly, or unkindly.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Comfortable-Focus123 wrote:
She was probably suffering from mental illness for a while. The recovery will be a long process. I have been through something similar as this, and finally divorced years after. I wish you luck, and advise you to get some counseling yourself to learn how to deal with this. Good luck.
Lucky-Effective-1564 wrote:
I read your previous posts - that really escalated! Take some time for yourself.
ninjastarkid wrote:
NTA, don’t beat yourself up OP. It’s not always an easy thing to identify and/or accept. Especially with loved ones. No one wants to think their loved one is having some sort of mental health crisis. So they will see any other option as the truth over the actual truth. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human.
Honestly I think you have incredible patience to stick with her despite everything. I hope all the best to you and your wife, and a speedy recovery for all involved.