'AITA for hating that my ex who betrayed me is living with my parents?' + UPDATE
"AITA for hating that my Ex is living with my parents?"
thra_belganona
At the start of this year, I (29F) was stalked and harassed by a woman who believed that I was having an affair with her husband. It was over a month of daily harassment over phone, on social media, and at times even in public.
She even threw a stone through my window and vandalized my car in my driveway. She was caught on security camera and charges were brought against her. I had to spend a lot on lawyers to threaten legal suits against both the husband and wife to get her to back off. She was having some sort of a mental breakdown and went into a psych hold.
Her meds helped and she agreed to stop and accepted that I wasn’t the involved party. As part of our legal agreement she made social media posts apologizing and clearing my name and some financial recompense for damages caused.
During all this, my fiance (32M) was of no help at all. We lived together and he wouldn’t do anything to support me. When I got accosted in public places, he’d simply leave.
When our condo was attacked, he got in his car and left to stay with a friend. He said it was too embarrassing for him to stay around. He didn’t seem to realize that I was scared and felt my life was in danger.
He knew that I was innocent in this, and yet he didn’t stop his friends and family from believing the worst about me and making snide comments at me. I begged him to help me and he’d act frustrated as if there was nothing he could do here.
When the woman harassing me made the apology posts, I forwarded them everywhere explaining how I got caught up in someone else’s tragedy and I called my fiance a coward for his behavior. Which was also my way of publicly breaking up with him.
My parents were very supportive of me throughout this mess and they gave me money for the lawyer’s retainer. But they didn’t like my public FU to my ex. They said that it was petty of me and asked me to be nicer and not break up.
I did eventually remove his name from my posts, but I was not interested in any relationship with him anymore. After this all went away I was still pretty traumatized and paranoid. I quit my job and I couldn’t stand living with my ex.
My best friend lived a few states away and she invited me to stay with her as a change of scenery. It was the break I needed. I also found a great job there while I was visiting and decided to settle there. I’ve been living in this town since then.
I have booked tickets to visit my family for christmas and last night my mother told me that my Ex is staying with them as a house guest. My mother said he wasn’t doing too well after I left and my parents let him move in with them.
I don’t want to see my ex and I am pretty hurt that my parents are taking care of this man who did not stand by me. WIBTA if I tell my parents I am not visiting as long as he’s in their home?
Here were the top rated comments from reaaders after the OP's initial post:
mr_waterloo
NTA. Your ex left you alone in dangerous situations and your parents let him MOVE IN?
Straight-Singer-2912
NTA. There are lots of posts here on AITA of OPs whose parents stay in touch with exes. The general consensus is - you can't control what your parents do, but you can control what YOU do (by not visiting while they're there).
It also could be the case that they're trying to get the two of you back together - that would not surprise me. So tell them that you will not be able to come home, wish them a happy holiday, and don't get sucked into any arguments or blame. Stay strong - you're 100% in the right!
Randotron-80085
Absolutely NTA. Wtf are your parents thinking? Do they love your ex more than they love you? Let them know your boundaries and if they can't respect them then that's their loss/choice. Again I'm seriously so sorry they did this to you.
Personal story: me and my mom are friendly with my sisters exes because she has children with them. If there was no long term commitment in the relationship they have no ties to that person and should be loyal to their child. And my mother would absolutely NEVER let one of them move in. Shed try to help them find a place or something but never bringing them into my sister's space.
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
thra_belganona
AITA deleted my previous post because of mention of violence. But there was no violence in there. I had mentioned harassment and vandalism but no violence happened. I had logged in to update and can’t do it on AITA so will write down here for people who’ve been messaging me.
I didn’t go home for Christmas. I called my parents and told them I wasn’t coming and that set off a lot of recrimination and arguing. My Mom getting upset at me for my coldness and my Dad reprimanding me for “breaking Mom’s heart.”
Mom is trying to get me back together with Ex. Dad goes along with whatever Mom wants to do. I asked them why they’d want me to be with someone who didn’t protect me and Mom said if the stalker was a man he’d have protected me, but it was just a woman, a lady from a good home, so there wasn’t any real danger.
This was news to me because when it was happening both were worried about my safety but now they are downplaying it. This is the exact argument Ex had used and they are buying into his story.
Then Mom goes into how this was embarrassing for Ex and says I wronged him by putting him in this situation. This brought up a long history of Mom’s disappointment in me.
I was never what she wanted me to be. I know she loves me and had thought our differences were the typical mother daughter conflict that everyone has. But my Mom has fears that run deeper than that.
She is a slim, svelte and pretty woman who is very particular about manners and appearances. I got my build from my Dad’s side of the family and I am very curvy with large breasts.
My weight and my figure has been a cause for concern for my Mom who’d pressure me to cover up and downplay it. She wanted me to go into teaching or medicine, but I didn’t do well enough in school for that. I ended up forming a career in sales and I am very good at it.
I was making good money at a large corporation and while I dress modestly, I was no longer wearing baggy clothes, but professional suits with a good fit. The fact that I look like I do and that I do “Sales” was scandalous to my mother.
The guy whose affair brought problems in my life is a manager in the same company I used to work for. We worked on the same floor in different departments. I think he let me take the fall because knowing who he was having the affair with would have put his job in jeopardy and would’ve been a lot more scandalous.
My mother thinks the wife putting the blame on me was inevitable because I have “the look.” She thinks her fears about my appearance and career had come true in this incident.
She is horrified that instead of learning from my “mistakes” I now have a job that is “client relationship manager” even though it is at a financial firm. She feels pressured to force me to come home and get married and leave my career behind.
I am so sad about how all this has turned out. My relationship ended and now I am losing my parents. Meanwhile, that cheating man and his psycho wife are still married and he still has the same job.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Mindfultherapist186
I am so sorry. Coming from a woman with a similar "look" to what you are describing, I feel some type of way personally of your mom blaming your body for being harassed and stalked for a year. Do not think of this as losing.
Everyone in this story, from your ex partner to your parents, are revealing themselves to be people who are unable to be there for you when the chips are down. People who wish to bush away discomfort at their failures to act and support when you need it the most. You have gained insight into them. Never forget it.
brsox2445
Your parents have chosen…poorly.
DutchWinchester86
Damn that’s sad all around. You should think mom would be happy for her successful daughter.. can’t for the life of me think I would ever treat my daughters like that or take in an ex who miserably failed to protect my daughter...
CocoaAlmondsRock
I'm infuriated for OP. None of this is her fault. She has done everything right, including dumping the ex and cutting off her parents. It's so sad that she has had to, though.
sea_stomp_shanty
I’m so happy that OP didn’t go home for Christmas. I bet she’s much happier now, so many months removed from so much BS.