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'AITA for having my fiancé's niece and nephew in my wedding but not my brother's kids?' UPDATED 2X

'AITA for having my fiancé's niece and nephew in my wedding but not my brother's kids?' UPDATED 2X

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"Am I wrong for who I chose to be my flower girl?"

My fiance (35M) and I (30F) have been dating since I was 20. We got engaged last year and have slowly been planning an intimate wedding for February 2024. We have a guest list of 35 (close friends and family only) and we each chose 2 people to be groomsmen/bridesmaids.

He's having his sisters son (6) as the ring bearer and I decided to have his sisters daughter (4) as the flower girl. I have an amazing relationship with his family and a very strained relationship with mine (although it is getting better with my parents). I had posted an "announcement" on our wedding fb page about the choices (it was just a photo of the kids looking through dresses and suits with their mom).

2 hours later I got a call from my mother asking where the photo was taken and if it was where I was getting my dress. I told her it was them picking out their outfits for the wedding. She said "oh that's cute" and then told me she had to go to an appointment so we wrapped up the conversation and that was that. 30 minutes later my phone rang from a number I didnt recognize so I ignored it

(I don't pick up strange numbers). I saw they had left a voicemail so I listened to it. It was my brothers wife (brother has a history of abusive behavior so I don't speak to them unless forced to). She was livid to say the least, yelling and crying about the fact I didn't choose her son and daughter and that they would never forgive me and that "I am no aunt to them".

I chose to ignore this as I don't have a relationship with them and don't owe them any sort of explanation. I then got a call from my brother (which I didnt answer either) he didn't leave a voicemail and I didn't call back. 2 days later there was a knock on my door and who guessed it? It was my brother and his wife. She was demanding to know why I didn't pick their kids and why I gave

"some random kids their spot". I calmly responded it wasn't their spot and they aren't random kids. She began crying hysterically and saying that her kids deserved it for me being such an awful person. I told them that her and my brother weren't even invited and they needed to get off my property. My brother was silent throught this entire thing.

I told my fiance what had happened when he got home from work, showed him our ring camera footage and showed him the voicemail. I turned my phone off for the rest of the day/night and didn't turn it on until the morning. When I turned it on I was bombarded with texts, calls, social media messages and posts about how awful I was for punishing the children and how I "went crazy on my brother and sil".

I posted the ring camera footage and the voicemail and tagged everyone who had made a post or sent me a text. I got several apologies but I frankly didn't care. Our guest list went from 35 to 25 in a matter of minutes and I am fine with it. My mother and father are mad about the situation /drama but are -for the moment- staying out of it and telling us to "figure our own sh!t out".

I still have family and friends and all of brother and sil's flying monkeys harassing me about not wanting their kids in my wedding and that I'm a monster for doing this. So am I wrong for "punishing my niece and nephew" and choosing my fiance's niece and nephew to be a prominent part of our wedding?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

3_box said:

NTA. Your wedding, your choice. Stand firm, uninvite & block anyone who argues & hire security for your venue to stop any nonsense on the day. Wishing you a wonderful day & a very happy life x

floating_in_thevoid said:

Sil sounds UNHINGED. Big NTA. But someone needs THERAPY. Good God.

wlfwrtr said:

Not wrong. Mother is staying out of it? Considering SIL called 30 minutes after talking to mom, which would be about the time for a phone call between the two, sounds like mother may have already put herself into it. How did SIL even get your number since you don't associate with them?

QuitaQuites said:

So your brother wasn’t invited and likely knows that and wanted his kids in a wedding he couldn’t be at?

Silvermorney said:

Nta but your mother is a serious enabling problem here op. You know damn well that she did not have an appointment at all she so simply ran off the phone as fast as she absolutely could just to snitch to your brother/sister in law.

She does not have your back at all and frankly is bending over backwards to sacrifice you on the alter of pleasing them and frankly your dad is enabling her too so they are both a problem really. Good luck op.

Ndemarz said:

Not in the wrong at all. I think it's perfectly reasonable considering you weren't inviting them anyway. I think it's stupid that they're using kids against you - but that's EXACTLY what abusers do when they want leverage ''oh think of the kids.'' OF COURSE you think of the kids, and feel bad for the kids but don't let that leverage your feelings towards those clearly awful people.

Verdict: NTA.

A few days later, she shared this update:

I had a few messages asking so I figured I'd add it in here. The restraining order is in place!! I got the call this afternoon! I posted a few days ago about the predicament I was in with my family regarding my wedding. Well in the 3 days since I posted it has escalated far past what I ever thought.

After I blocked everyone and uninvited people, I ended up deleting my wedding page and creating a private group chat with everyone who was still involved which worked out perfectly.

I told my mother I was going low contact with her and my father after everything that happened and she was of course upset and wanted to talk it out. I told her when she could admit she was wrong and apologize we could

I went into work a couple days later (yesterday) (I work half remote, half in office) and got called into my bosses office immediately. He told me he was getting emails and calls about me from different people and that he was putting me on leave until I get this figured out.

I had sent him an email about the entire situation when it happened so he is completely understanding of it and doesnt want it to affect my work. When I got home, my brother was waiting for me.. alone. I sent a quick text to my fiance telling him "my brother is here at the house" and then started recording as I got out of my car.

I asked him what he wanted and he told me he wanted to talk and asked if we could go inside. I told him we were fine talking in front of the house and he rolled his eyes at me. He asked why I was excluding his children and I honestly just about lost it. I asked him if he was seriously asking me that question and if he truly thought I was that delusional.

He started yelling at me that hes never done anything to me and that I'm a fithly no good liar and that it's a wonder my fiance even wants me. I raised my voice and told him that hes a fcking hypocrite and an abuser and that him and his wife were a match made in hell. He started walking towards me and I told him if he steps one more foot I'd be calling the police.

I was honestly terrified. As he was walking to get in his car he said "you know itd be a shame if something happened to your car on the way to the wedding..." and he left. I waited until I couldn't see him anymore to make sure he was actually leaving and I called the cops.

I gave them a copy of the video and all the other "evidence" and asked if I could get a restraining order or a no contact order for the both of them. I'm not sure if it will be possible but here's hoping. I'm debating cancelling the wedding and going to the courthouse instead. Still having our close family there and my fiances niece and nephew can still be a part of it.

I was hoping to be able to update in February and tell you the wedding went perfectly but I dont know if that's going to happen now

A month and a half later, she posted this final update:

First off I want to thank everyone for the support, advice and comments/messages about my insane situation. My last update wasn't exactly a good one. But I am happy to say this one will be. I am officially married, moved into a new home and I'm pregnant!! Restraining orders are still fully in place for all 3 crazy people and will stay that way as long as possible.

My husband and I decided to have a very small, very lowkey ceremony at a cabin a few hours from our home, we told everyone that we had invited it was going to a Christmas vacation and to keep it a secret. They all showed up and in the morning we were married. In our pjs, coffee in hand, surrounded by the people we love. It could not have been more perfect and needed after all the craziness.

After we got back, my dad asked if he could talk to my husband and I alone, I was reluctant but agreed. We met up at a coffee place and he told me that my mom had not told him the truth. She was telling him that I was seeking out my brother and sil and had promised that their children would have a place in the wedding and that I was the one causing all of this.

He didn't truly believe it but he's always been a pushover when it comes to my mom and didn't argue with it. He found all of the legal documents they have been served and left her. He's now staying at an air bnb and in contact with a divorce lawyer. I forgive him, but made it clear he is on very thin ice, he understood and is actively trying to make it up to us, which is appreciated

We moved into our new forever home in a nice secure neighborhood and it has been a breath of fresh air. No bad memories, no surprises, just good vibes. So this will be my final update to this insane situation. Thank you again for all your advice and support. Happy new year and I wish you all nothing but happiness!

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