'AITA for hiding my family wealth from my boyfriend? He's going off the rails.' UPDATED

"AITA for hiding my family wealth from my boyfriend?"

So, I (17F) have been dating my boyfriend Mike (16M), for about 3 months now. We’re both juniors in high school, and everything has been going really well between us. We met through mutual friends about 8 months ago and hit it off quickly. He’s funny, kind, and down to earth. We have an amazing relationship but our financial situations are different.

My family is pretty well-off. Not rich-rich (no mansions, yachts, etc), but we live in a nice house, take 1-2 vacations per year, and I don’t really have to stress about money. I only work just so I’m not sitting at home doing nothing. That being said, I’ve always been taught not to flaunt it nor bring it up. We drive normal cars and live a fairly average lifestyle, even if we have more savings than others.

I never talk about money with people. Mike’s family doesn’t have as much. He’s mentioned how they struggle sometimes to pay bills and how they have to budget for everything. Because of this, he’s made a few comments about rich kids being spoiled or out of touch, which is why I didn’t bring up my family’s situation.

I didn’t want him to see me differently or feel awkward about the differences between us. I don’t care what his financial situation is. I love him anyway. He’s seen my house and knows my parents run a business but he doesn’t know about all my parents’ assets which make a lot more money and is what keeps us comfortable.

So he doesn’t know how much we really have. Well, recently, Mike and I had dinner with my family along with cousins. We all sat down and talked about traveling in general, and one of my cousins mentioned a vacation home my parents had. She was talking about the cabin we had in the mountains.

Our family loves camping and hiking so we vacation there sometimes. Mike went quiet, but I could tell something was up. Later, when we were alone, he asked why I never told him that my family had so much money. I tried to explain that it wasn’t something I thought was important, and I didn’t want him to feel weird about it. Besides, he knew I was more well off than him. He just didn’t know the full extent.

That’s when he got a bit upset and said something that caught me off guard. He mentioned how I could’ve helped him out with some of the things he’s been struggling with financially, like gas money or when his car needed repairs a few months ago. He said that he was not asking for handouts, but he said it feels like I was hiding something from him when I could’ve made things easier.

I told him I didn’t want to make things awkward between us by offering money, and I didn’t think it was my place to get involved with his finances. But now, he says it feels like I wasn’t being honest and that maybe I don’t trust him enough to share that part of my life. Over the next few weeks Mike started getting a little invasive.

He looked up my house on Zillow and was shocked at the value. Mike showed me his screen and was upset that he didn’t know how “rich” we were. He also started looking up my family members on social media sites to see what they do and how rich they are. Cousins, uncles, aunts. I got really mad and told him I didn’t appreciate him digging through my family life and my finances are not his business.

I asked him to stop being weird. Mike then responded he was just trying to fully understand what my “lifestyle” is like. But I think he’s going completely off the rails. I didn’t mean for it to turn into such a big deal.

I was just trying to avoid making him feel uncomfortable or like he was less than me. I also believed my family finances are irrelevant. But now I’m wondering if I should’ve been more open from the start? AITA?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

slboml wrote:

Your family's money isn't his business, quite frankly. Your parents' money is not yours. This relationship is not salvageable. Time to end it. NTA.

TrickySeagrass wrote:

NTA wtf is this guy's issue??? You've been dating for only 3 months and he expects you to financially support him? He's acting just as entitled as the spoiled rich kids he complains about. You didn't deceive him at all -- it's not like he outright asked how rich your family was and you lied to him or anything.

He sounds like a whiny jerk. I've lived in poverty as well and never would've acted so unhinged over this. And I would've been embarrassed to have a partner start offering to pay for stuff like that.

Huge-Shallot5297 wrote:

You're teenagers, dating for three months and you should help him fix his car or give him funds in general? No, no, and f-k no. He's been invaded by the green-eyed envy monster, and he no longer just sees you as his girlfriend, but as a potential ATM. Your family's finances ARE irrelevant to him. It's none of his business, period.

On the plus side, it didn't take long to see what kind of person he is, no? Were you supposed to swish in like a Real Housewife and tell your chauffeur to wait outside the classroom? How ridiculous. You're so NTA. You're just a girl who likes(liked) a boy, who turned out to be a gold digger. And they claim it's always a woman - please.

OP responded:

It’s a little weird when people say it’s always a man or a woman. I think that anyone could act this way.

theMoxieRN wrote:

NTA. His response is completely inappropriate and you are NTA. The reason you didn’t want to tell him….is exactly what happened when he found out anyways. You tried you best but I think he is harboring some resentment and can’t separate your family situation from you. I would say this relationship has run its course, but it’s not your fault that he let this poison your relationship.

OP jumped on with a comment to share how they met:

So we met through mutual friends and we do not go to the same school. I met him through a friend from his school. We met around Christmas and we all started hanging out for 5 months and then started dating. He has visited my parents business but we don’t talk about it often. Just never comes up a lot. Sometimes he’ll ask how the business is going and I reply it’s going good and that’s that.

We both bonded over video games. I do actually know him well. We share hobbies, dreams, goals, interests. But I never brought up my family money because it’s not important and it’s not even my money. So while I am surprised by how he feels after finding out a bit more about my family, I disagree with you on that I never knew him.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

TLDR at the bottom. So when I made the original post it was a few days after our argument. I wasn’t going to post an update but lots of people wanted one and stuff actually happened so here we go. Yesterday, I called Mike and asked if we could meet up for coffee to discuss what to do next. He agreed.

As we talked, I explained my family’s finances are private, and it was not my business to tell other people. The money isn’t even technically mine it’s my parents. This is why I didn’t tell him. Mike didn’t take this very well. He asked me how I could just watch him struggle for months and not do anything, how I pretended to feel bad for him when I didn’t even understand how bad his life was.

I responded that I did feel bad and I have been supportive. I tried to get him a job at my parents’ grocery store but he didn’t like it so he refused. I would always give rides to him since gas was expensive. I offered gas money whenever he DID drive me but he always refused since he wanted to pay for me.

Even just emotionally I was trying to be as supportive as I could while he was stressed. I acknowledged that I don’t understand how hard his life is because I’ve never lived it. But I’ve done my best to be supportive emotionally. Mike just dismissed all of that and said that wasn’t the point. He said that for him, the money wasn’t the issue, it was trust.

He felt that I had kept something significant from him, and he’s wondering what else I was hiding. He said that he wasn’t asking for handouts, but knowing I had the means to help him but chose not to made him feel unsupported. Mike explained he felt like there was a huge gap between us now and he will never be equal to me. He told me there was no reason for me to hide such a big secret from him.

At this point I got angry. I corrected him, saying he WAS asking for handouts. I mentioned our previous conversation of how he said that I “could have helped with his car and gas.” I explained the money he so desperately wanted wasn’t even mine, it’s my family’s. I told him that he wasn’t entitled to the money my parents spent over two decades earning.

I couldn’t just bail him out of whatever problems he has with money. I went back to how I did support him just not financially. I’m ashamed to admit that I did kind of lose my cool here and almost started yelling. After that I calmed down and explained that I would never shame him for his struggles. My family never has either.

They love him. We don’t care about how much money someone has. We talked for some more but I eventually told him I wanted to break up. It wasn’t because he was upset I “hid my wealth,” but it was for digging into my family members’ lives. I told him that it was extremely invasive and I couldn’t forgive that and I couldn’t feel comfortable around someone who would do that.

It was a breach of trust for me. Mike also told me he wanted to break up since he didn’t feel comfortable in relationship where the financial gap is so big, and that our lives were just too different. We ended the conversation and parted ways. The good thing is he goes to a different school so I won’t be seeing him around.

Part of me feels sad, since I do love him. It was my first relationship and I wanted it to work. But I also feel relieved because I wasn’t sure if I could take whatever Mike would do if I stayed. I really didn’t like him snooping in my family’s lives. I’m wondering if I made a mistake ending the relationship now and it really really sucks. Was I too harsh?

I’m not even sure. I don’t think I’ll be dating anytime soon. I’m not too eager now. And just to be clear, I don’t hate Mike. I do think that he probably just never saw money like ours or that he was just shocked in general. And I get that he is 16 and I’m sure he will grow out of this mentality. I hope he does have a better life but I can’t continue with him. I don’t like that he tried to dig in my family members’ lives.

TLDR: We talked and decided to break up. I couldn’t forgive him for digging through my family’s lives like that and I wasn’t comfortable to be with someone like that. Mike broke up with me since he felt our financial gap was too big to handle. It was a mutually agreed breakup.

I also wanted to clarify some things:

A lot of people were asking about the car. Mike’s car is old and used, and it was gifted to him by his uncle since he doesn’t use it anymore. It’s about 8 years old. Mike didn’t buy the car. Mike doesn’t know the true value of my parents’ money.

That’s why he was digging around. It seems like people on here thought that I was perceived middle class or poor. I never was. Mike and others knew I lived a life that was well off. I just never talked about money that’s all. Mike does not know about my parents’ other assets. He started thinking we had more money than he thought because he found out about the vacation home.

That’s why he tried digging through my family’s information. He still doesn’t even know close to anything since my parents keep their assets secret. Even I don’t know them. People don’t start digging into you until you give them a reason to. Okay so apparently 8 years is not old for a car. Sorry I don’t know how cars work. 😂 But its been heavily used anyway.

The internet was fully invested.

FAST102 wrote:

An 8 year old car is basically brand new, especially if it's made in 2016. That's just ridiculous. You absolutely made the right move. You'll process this. It'll hurt. It'll suck. But you will get stronger and wiser because of all this. Awesome you stuck to your convictions and what you believed and good on you for understanding your worth. Good luck!

Contribution4afriend wrote:

NTA and it's very strange that at the age of 16 he is already accepting a wealth versus poor situation as defeat. Honestly coming from someone in the third world, Brazil, we aren't allowed to have cars before 18.

Only a while ago they applied for a political education where students that don't drop their high school education earn a small allowance from the government (can't miss class, good grades and no crimes including b-llying). It is very unfortunate that he didn't accept the job as a learning experience.

There are things you can't just dismiss if his situation was that bad. But the way he said it, I don't know, seems he was supposed to be given a new car and money directly in his pocket just because your family has money. Seems like you escaped an abuser (you know him better of course but this is just an interpretation). The way I see it, I advise you not to make amends with him again.

He will miss you and in a week or two he will call. Just do your parents and yourself a favor and don't answer. Ask what he wants with a text. And tell the truth to your parents about the break up. They will guide you to not feel bad about money but will at least teach you not to offer too much. At least you tried to pay for a lot of things and drove a lot to help him.

The idea here is to have a healthy relationship where both are interested in helping each other as a couple and not individually. He was supposed to find a job. He was supposed to save gas for important things. He was struggling to fix his car but should have found public transport and saved money to fix it. He was supposed to be with you for love and not for money.

What was the idea of finding out how much is your family worth if not to ab-se the acknowledge? Honestly, honestly and truly don't go back to him. I am saying this because you are young. And having these break ups for money are not okay and dismissive. It's the root of all causes of fights in the future. He will always accuse you of something related to money. Might even joke about prenup at 16.

(And by the way, NEVER dismiss this conversation of prenup in the future; like you said it's your parents money; don't go with: my parents will pay the house but both names will be in contract naive thing.)

SaneForCocoaPuffs wrote:

OP I hate to break it to you but this relationship was done the moment he asked for a handout and said he wasn't asking for a handout. This is code for "give me money but I don't have to thank you because it's not a handout". Being turned into your boyfriend's piggy bank is not healthy.

I wish you the best of luck for future relationships. This was your first relationship and whatever mistakes you made are well within the normal range. Doing things wrong is normal, and the first one hurts the most when it fails (and it usually fails). It's also pretty normal to find out the first guy you are date is not compatible with you.

Traditional-Neck7778 wrote:

You did the right thing. . Struggling doesn't mean people owe you anything. It sucks he is struggling but you offered him gas money, you never took from him and even tried to help him get a job. Some people don't really understand what help looks like.