Woman hides pregnancy from husband, 'I have loved being pregnant and not having to share the spotlight.' AITA?
"AITA for Hiding My Pregnancy From My Husband and My MIL?"
Illustrious_Meet9002
I (25F) have been married to my husband (28M) for 3 years. My husband, I will call him Joel, and I met in college and got married very young. We have both always dreamed of having a big family and I have always wanted to be a stay at home mother.
Joel and his mom have always been close, but it wasn't until recently that I noticed how unsettling their relationship truly is. For starters, Joel's mom, I will call her Amy, has always been insanely protective over him. Although he is fully an adult man, Amy only refers to Joel as "her baby boy".
Amy insisted on having the first dance with Joel at our wedding and because she was paying for most of it, I let her have that but put my foot down when she suggested that she should wear a cream color dress as mother of the groom. Amy lives in our neighborhood and has made a habit of showing up unannounced and inviting herself into all aspects of our lives.
A few months ago, I found out that I was pregnant with our first baby, but just a few months in, I tragically lost the pregnancy. Before the miscarriage, Joel and I had been over the moon.
Amy was so excited to be a grandmother, but some of her actions made me uncomfortable and angry. For starters, she insisted that she come to all of the appointments for the baby.
When we first heard our babies heart beat, she jumped up out of her chair and snatched Joel's hands and began to cry with excitement. Joel threw his arms around her pointing out her 'grandbaby's heartbeat' while I was left sitting there on my own.
Although it was still early in the pregnancy, Amy proposed throwing her own 'grand-baby shower' in order to get supplies for the baby to be kept at her house. I tried to shut this down but Joel once again defended his mom. When I felt the first kicks and movement, she RAN over and nearly shoved my hand out of the way to try and feel.
My final straw was after I lost the baby, I was devastated. Luckily, Amy was not over when I began noticing issues, and Joel and i were able to go to the hospital alone. But after calling his mom to tell her what was happening, Amy showed up at the hospital and cried so loudly Joel had to escort her out of the hospital and comfort her in her car.
Once again, I was left there alone. This broke me. Although Joel has apologized profusely and said that he regrets leaving me. I have had a hard time finding forgiveness for that moment.
I have to emphasize, other than his unusual relationship with his mother, our relationship has been nearly perfect. After the miscarriage though, I started sleeping in the guest room and taking more time for myself to sort out my thoughts and decide where to go from here.
Everything was fine until a few months ago. I had a few too many glasses of wine at a friends wedding and ended up spending the night back in our main bedroom. I started to notice the same familiar changes in my body from my first pregnancy which terrified me.
I finally took a test and stared at the little + in disbelief. Although I want to be a mother more than anything, I couldn't help but still feel the same feelings from my last pregnancy.
Maybe it was the wrong choice, but I chose not to tell Joel right then. I booked an appointment and went to the doctor and found out that I was about 6 weeks pregnant already.
This is where I may be the asshole, that was about 3 months ago, and I still have not told Joel. I am now 18 weeks pregnant, and just starting showing more and I have taken to just wearing big sweatshirts and baggy clothes around the house.
I have loved being pregnant and not having to share the spotlight with Amy. This week, I felt the first little flutters of the baby moving and didn't have to share it with anybody else.
In just a few weeks, I can learn his or her gender, and not risk having to throw a grandbaby gender reveal for my MIL. Maybe most importantly, godforbid anything were to happen to the pregnancy again, I would rather handle it alone than have to deal with consoling her.
But now, I don't know where to go from here. Obviously I can only keep this up for so long, but how do I explain to Joel that I have been hiding the pregnancy from him for months?
Should I just run away and start a new life (mostly kidding). Or, am I already in too deep so I might as well just keep hiding it for as long as possible and not have to share my moment with anyone else? I love my husband and I don't want to leave him, but I don't know how I can save the situation and our marriage. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
pinepplegone
You need to get to counseling asap -- arrange for both individual and couples counseling. You can tell your husband about the pregnancy and why you hid it with a mediator present.
Your husband is a momma's boy. You might want to get a copy of "When He's Married to Mom" by Ken Adams and have it handy for him. Be aware that resetting that type of relationship is very difficult and can only happen with a lot of work on his part. You've been sleeping in a different room and he hasn't taken any initiative to fix things, that's not a good sign.
me0mio
I second this. In fact, I suggest you go for a couple sessions on your own first, and then bring your husband into a session and tell him about your pregnancy then. He needs to know that you have been hiding your pregnancy as a result of his and his mother's actions during your previous pregnancy.
You and your husband are at a crossroads and whether you both stay together will be determined by how much he's willing to make changes, and put mommy in her place. Good luck.
la_patineuse
I think she needs to have an alternate living place arranged before she tells her husband because he will not be able to keep his mouth shut or to control his mother. He will immediately start talking about how glad his mom will be.
When she tells him about the baby, she should also tell him that if he repeats his previous performance -- including his mom at every step -- one of them will have to leave the house. At the very least, she has to get the locks changed to prevent her from popping in at will.
ThatGuyWhoEatsBagels
NTA. So your husband went off to go comfort his mother outside while you were crying over your miscarriage. Seems like he will always have his priority be his mom. After that, it seems like a smart move not to tell them.
she_who_knits
This is way above Reddits pay grade. You need counseling individual and as a couple if you want to salvage your marriage. You and your hidden pregnancy are not the problem. Joel and his invasive mother are the problem. Divorce will be exactly what she wants and she will push Joel to go for full custody so she can raise your child. You need serious professional help with this toxic dynamic.