'AITA for hiding that I'm homeless from my girlfriend? I want to fix the problem myself.' UPDATED

"AITA for hiding that I'm homeless from my girlfriend?"

I'm 18M and I'm dating my girlfriend who just turned 20. I've been in foster care since I was 13. I lucked out when I was younger, I had some good homes but the most recent one I had was really bad. I've been homeless for 1 month now. It's been exhausting hiding it from my girlfriend.

One of the jobs I work is at a local martial arts gym in my city which I sneak back into at night because I have keys for lock up. I am pretty sure the owner knows I'm sleeping here because there are cameras. He hasn't said anything. Sometimes he leaves me food. So I'm doing okay for being homeless.

I'm saving up and I'm trying to find another job so I can make money faster and find a place to live. I'm staying out of trouble. I don't drink alcohol and I don't do d#$gs. My girlfriend lives in a university dorm with a roommate. She goes to a prestigious school that she worked really hard to get into.

Tonight, she said I have 'sad eyes' and she asked me if something was wrong.

I wanted to break down and tell her everything. Instead, I said I was sleepy and hugged her then made a joke which distracted her and changed the topic.

I know in a relationship, you're supposed to be honest. But I guess I have pride or something. All these years growing up, there were so many times I felt like I had no dignity, so it's really hard for me to let go of this 'pride' or whatever you want to call it. It's hard to explain. Besides, she can't really help me. It would just be adding to her stress.

AITA for thinking I can find a place, get settled in, basically fix this problem and then tell her? I see these on TikTok all the time and I know what I'm asking is not the same as wedding drama or marriage drama but I thought I would give it a shot with this being anonymous and all.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

JoyfulStitches96 wrote:

NTA. But it sounds like you're talking yourself out of opening up to her about this. She might not be able to fix everything, but she can offer support. It sounds like you could really use that right now.

AngryDresser wrote:

Agreed. Also OP, I’m sorry. I’ve been homeless, myself, but this...you don’t deserve to be 18 dealing with all this. No one does, but you are just in a position I know many go through but I wish no one experienced.

OP responded:

I'm sorry you had to deal with homelessness too. Deep down, I know I am lucky for the circumstances I do have, like the ability to crash at my boss's gym. It's a lot better than a shelter...those honestly scare me.

bb401fr wrote:

My now husband was living between friend's houses and a direct provision centre when we met. He is a very proud man and was vague or wouldn't discuss where he lived or allow me to drop him anywhere and said things like he was going to visit friends at night.

He was always so upbeat and caring towards me that it seemed like a small thing so I didn't push it. He is also a really hard worker and works day and night. I initially worried he didn't trust me to see his house in case I turned stalker or something 🤣.

*I thought with all the working hours maybe he already had a family or something like that except he added me on his social media and openly walked around town with me so that didn't make sense.

I totally didn't realise the things he must have been going through till way later till we had our own place and I accidentally saw an old document he had with the DP address as his address and it all made sense also how he is always helping people he meets who have a had time. Ringing friends and getting them a couch to sleep on etc. *

At the time he helped me with any problems I was having but is very religious and used to tell me that he shared his problems with God and me being in my little happy self and spending time with him was enough for me to do to help him back. From the woman's perspective I respect him so much.

He didn't lie to me but he kind of made it clear what he did and didn't want to talk about and I respected and accepted that. I have a good job and my own money but he always liked to pay for things like if we got coffee etc.

Things were probably very hard for him but I'm glad I didn't push it and force him to be vulnerable with me about his fears and circumstances because I know him and that would have damaged his pride in himself. Sorry for the long rambling reply I suppose what I'm saying is once u don't make her question how u feel about her it's ok to struggle and be a man and keep your pride in her eyes.

OP responded:

This was really inspiring, I'm really glad you shared this with me. I actually read it over two times because it made me feel less bad about myself. I want to be that kind of man one day, like your husband. I try to show up for my girlfriend and the few people in my life...not as a burden, but someone they can rely on. Normally I'm really good at presenting myself a certain way no matter what's happening to me.

I will go as far as to hide injuries and I think I have a really high pain tolerance now. I'm always smiling and I like to focus on other people, not myself. But lately I'm working a lot more and even though I have a place to sleep every night, there's this stress that never leaves.. so I guess I'm not as convincing as I usually am because I'm too tired.

Like...idk what i'm saying right now, what was the point I was trying to make? I need to sleep lol. But you said "He didn't lie to me but he kind of made it clear what he did and didn't want to talk about and I respected and accepted that." Maybe I could try approaching it somehow like that.

Two weeks later, OP shared an update.

Howdy. I just wanted to come back and share that I ended up confiding in my girlfriend about my homelessness. She was devastated for me but ultimately I'm really glad I pushed myself to tell her the truth.

It was really eating at me and it was a huge relief in itself to no longer be carrying that around on top of everything else. We're still together (also a huge relief). My girlfriend is keeping my homelessness a secret.

One thing I haven't shared with her (or anyone really outside of you guys) is that I continue to struggle with feelings of shame and inadequacy about this situation, but I know those are more my internal dialogue and not necessarily how others perceive me given that they don't really know. I'm trying really hard to keep my head up and maintain my self-worth and convince myself that I'm not trash.

I also ended up telling the owner of the gym I've been crashing at what I've been doing. As I suspected, he knew about it but doesn't want to acknowledge it for insurance purposes so essentially 'this conversation didn't happen'. He said I can keep doing it given that I find housing ASAP. I have to move onto a new place to sleep if I'm still homeless in a few weeks.

I've got two places pending that I know are strongly considering me. I'd happily take either one. Affordable housing here is really difficult to come by and very competitive. There's a lot of interest per listing. I started expanding my search area and this helped, although my commute is going to be rough. Thanks again to everyone who commented on my other post.

The internet was glad to hear the update.

rasewok wrote:

You have people in your life that care about you, keep you head up, you will get through this!

CherrySnugglez wrote:

Absolutely. The support OP’s gotten proves they’re not alone in this, even if it feels like it sometimes. Owning the truth like that takes serious strength, and it’s clear they’ve got people who truly care. One step at a time, they’ve got this.

punsnroses420 wrote:

Honestly man, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this and I’m sending you an air hug. Sometimes just being able to confide in people about the awful things that happen to us can be such a source of relief and just help with relieving the intense pressure and stress if nothing else, and even if the problems aren’t fixed.

Being open about your situation is tough, but for whatever it’s worth I’m honestly proud of you for being brave enough to do it.

Being 18 in the world is already hard enough - having to face it out of an unpleasant foster situation and with the stack you’ve been given isn’t fair or right, but I can tell from what you’ve written that you’ve been fighting to get to where you need to go. You’ll get there. You deserve to be happy and have a place to call yours, you deserve to feel safe and get away from the stress you’ve been under.

OP responded:

Thank you so much man, from the bottom of my heart. I’m really glad I posted here. I know we’re all strangers but it’s been so impactful for me to read comments. Thank you for taking time to do that. It’s hard to explain but I needed the boost yall gave me. It rewired how I view myself (for the better).

Driftwood256 wrote:

Dude, your situation is pretty much completely not your fault... you've been dealt a tough hand to start adulthood, but that's not on you at all, and that doesn't define you... it doesn't mean you're worth less than anyone else...

Work hard, and don't be afraid to ask for help... most people's success comes not from what they know or can do, but who they know, and who helped them along the way. Its a ton of luck...you don't need to tell people you're homeless, but don't be too proud to ask people if they know places hiring, etc.

If you have any older peers, coworkers, adults in your life, ask them if they have any advice on jobs, career, etc, or what they would do differently if they were starting back at your age. Good luck dude, you got this...10 years from now, these times of struggle will be a distant memory...