"AITA for how I reacted when my BF said his ex was the 'right person, wrong time'?" UPDATED

"AITAH for How I Reacted when my Boyfriend Confirmed that his Ex was the 'Right Person, Wrong Time'?"

My boyfriend and I are in our late 20s and have been seriously together for 1 year now. We were hanging out with some of his friends and they fondly talked about his ex who he dated for over 4 years and broke up because she got a job in a new city and broke up.

Thought that every thing was fine until a girlfriend told me that she heard my boyfriend say that his ex was the “right person wrong time” and cautioned me. When we got home I asked him this and he confirmed he said that and I hated just how cavalier his response was. He said sure she was the right person at the wrong time but I’ve moved on and love you now.

Like, he doesn’t get it. I don’t want to be someone he HAS to move on to. I don’t see why he didn’t see a problem with what he said. Sure he might be faithful to me but it gave me the ick that for him that she’s the one who got away.

I told him all of my feelings and he accused me of being insecure. I said that I needed some space to think about our relationship and whether I can continue being with someone who still considers an ex that one great love of his life and not his current partner.

Am I the insecure one here? Look, I’ve been in relationships before and yes I did love them at the time but meeting my current partner trumps all those past feelings and I never had this philosophy that the right person breaks up with you.

Because I believe in the saying that if they wanted they would. Makes it easier to move on. What he feels dents my trust in this relationship and makes me feel like I’m not worthy of being his biggest love. AITAH?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Gonebabythoughts said:

Your feelings are valid. Honestly, I’d be worried that if she came home I’d be dropped like a hot potato.

OceanBreeze_123 said:

NTA. They dated four years and she was the one who broke it off. She moved away. He wasn’t the one who wanted to end it, and he had no option to be able to continue it. So what happens if she reaches out to him in the future? The question needs to be addressed by him. Right now she isn’t an option for him, but that’s because of her decision, not his choice.

What if she wants to get together again, what will he do? Maybe he has gotten over her. That could easily be the case too. How long has it been since their breakup? In any event, you’re not being insecure. He didn’t initiate the breakup. And he still calls her the “right person” not you.

tigerofjiangdong1337 said:

NTA I wouldn't want to be settled for either. Generally when someone is over someone they feel apathy.

TwoBionicknees said:

Insecure, he told you to your face that his girlfriend was a better choice. the right woman at the wrong time is literally just saying, it's the right woman. If she were in town today he'd be with her. If he had balls he'd have left to be with her. If he moved on and loved you more he'd be saying, thank god we broke up when she left town or I'd never have met you, who is the right woman. NTA, he's an idiot.

Bitter_Animator2514 said:

Of cause your being insecure he’s just shaken your foundation. NTA.

Verdict: NTA.

The day after her original post, she shared this update:

He and I had a talk. It was clear that we are not aligned in the sense in how we feel about past relationships ending. I asked him whether he thinks that things ending with his ex is a good thing ultimately in hindsight because that allowed him to find me. He disagreed with me and yet said he is happy he has me and loves me but can’t admit he is grateful for his past relationship ending.

I just can’t reconcile the two statements. It’s too contradictory and I find it will eat away at me if I stay in this relationship.

We broke up

Like I said, I don’t condemn him for how he feels, I simply think he isn’t the man for me. Maybe he needs a girl who can understand him and probably has a history of being with someone she regrets leaving too.

Anyway, some people tried to trick me into thinking I am the insecure one when I ironically was the one who proposed that first. But I remembered what my therapist said about boundaries and feelings - they are not right or wrong, they are personal to each person and each relationship and if they work for two people, why should anyone outside of you two have the right to comment on that?

Condescending therapy to anyone is a bad thing, because one of the most important reminders in therapy is you’re there to figure out your own needs and feelings, rather than accept something that’s unacceptable to you. My boundaries and feelings with the right person for me will clearly not harm anyone - as I am have no intent to changing anyone’s feelings or personality. I will walk away.

So yes, I conclude I am not insecure, I am just a person with differing needs in a relationship who needs to find someone whose values align with mine. I am not looking for a virgin or anything, I’ve had enough experience with heartbreak myself - I just want someone who only prefers to be with me regardless of how meaningful their past relationships were. And I’ll give them the same.