'AITA for ignoring my brother on thanksgiving?'
"AITA for ignoring my brother on thanksgiving?"
For background: I (19 ftm) and my brother (21m) do not get along. From the time we were very young he was physically, psychologically, and mentally @busive to me and our younger brother.
Unfortunately, I was his favorite target. I took the brunt of his @buse. My family doesn't see what he did as @buse, they only see it as normal sibling behavior. I lived in fear for 17 years because of him, and my parents always told me it was my responsibility to "be the bigger person".
I have been told by them that I put no effort into building a relationship with him, that I was the reason he was so angry and vi0lent towards me, that he was only a kid. When he was a senior in high school, it was like a switch flipped; he stopped hitting and screa@ing and degrading me.
Ever since then it was all on me to forgive him. He didn't need to make an effort to gain my forgiveness, I was just told by my mother that he felt bad about what he did. All I have ever asked of him was a sincere apology. I know our relationship would never heal without him acknowledging that he did in fact f up.
Now the story: This thanksgiving I was invited to my sister (N's) house as a little get together. I had already been informed that my older brother (M) was going to be there. I didn't want to miss out on good food and good times with friends and family, so l decided to go.
I prepared myself by thinking of ways to avoid M as to not cause a fight. I stuck to myself, didn't look at him, didn't speak to him, didn't even stand next to him.
Everything was going great. Until I heard the snide comments he was making to his plus one at the table. I kept my mouth shut, but I do admit it triggered me some. I was already feeling triggered by being around him and I didn't want to start any fights.
When I finished eating I sat on the couch and doom scrolled for a bit trying to calm myself down. N then announced we'd be playing cards, but I declined not wanting to cause issues.
Unfortunately it caused issues, N asked me why and I just pointed at M. She got upsetand yelled at me to "get over it, he's said he was sorry". (He has never apologized to my face)
This is where l'm thinking I'm the AH. Should I have just sucked it up and dealt with the panic after he left? Should I have even showed up/made my dish for the dinner and left? I've been thinking about this a lot and l'd love to hear different perspectives.
Let's see what readers thought:
afha7 writes:
NTA! Don’t attend anything that he will be at. Protect yourself and be around people who love and support you and sometimes it’s not family.
ajag writes:
NTA. Maybe it’s time to withdraw from your blood relatives. Do you have friends that you can celebrate with? I would prefer to stay and celebrate with my dog than spend time with these people. You never have to forgive or forget when people mistreat you. Especially when they don’t apologise.
pleap writes:
I would tell your parents and the others in the family that he has never apologized to your face and that it affected your whole childhood and life and that there is absolutely no reason you should have to be pressured to build a relationship with him.
Tell them this is the line in the Sand and that you're not discussing it anymore as it is non-negotiable. You may want to put some space between you and your family if they keep pushing because it's very deeply disrespectful and also shows absolutely no compassion for you whatsoever.