Stepmom scolds teen after he skips dad’s birthday, teen says he’s had enough; 'I don't feel wanted.' AITA?
"AITA for ignoring my dad's birthday and not getting him a gift?"
Ok_Mills_4869
Ever since I (16m) was a little kid I got my dad a birthday gift with the help of my (surrogate) grandparents. My mom died when I was 2 so it was me and dad for a lot of years. Dad and I used to be really close.
Then when I was 10 he met Jen and he met her kids who were 18 months and 3 years old at the time. Dad and Jen fell in love pretty fast and they moved in together a few months after they met. Jen was divorced and her kids dad wasn't around.
So my dad decided he needed to step up and be a good dad to them. He told me things would change but I was still his son and he'd make time for me. But ever since he decided Jen's kids were going to be his, he let me down a lot.
It started with us having plans and him having to cancel because one of the kids was sick. Then it was they had a play or a game he needed to be there for. Or it was they had decided to have one of the kids birthday parties early and dad needed to be there.
But he wasn't doing the same for me. When I got sick he'd send me to my grandparents or expect me to stay with Jen while he did something with Jen's kids. If I had something on he'd apologize for missing it and would say he had plans with Jen's kids.
Oh, and the big thing that pisses me off is for the last 6 years (almost) he gives Jen's kids credit and thanks them too when I buy him a gift. Even when I tell him it's from only me. He talks about it being teamwork to get him that.
I tried talking to dad. He admitted he let me down. He told me he was afraid of Jen's kids feeling rejected if he were to cancel with them for me. That he didn't want them to feel like he loved me more when all three of us are equal.
I told him he cares more about them and he asked how I could say that after 10 years of having all his attention. He asked me to think about the kids whose bio dad walked out on them and who could feel really unwanted if he were to let them down.
I told him I didn't care about them or their feelings or whether they feel loved and wanted. I told him I don't feel loved and wanted. I feel resentful of the fact he gives them credit for my gifts, he cancels on me for them, but won't give the same back.
He told me he can't change it but he can try to let me down less. I told him he was putting them ahead of me and I told him I was done. He can enjoy having two kids instead of three.
He didn't think I would actually follow through. This big talk happened back in April. Dad's birthday was yesterday and I didn't join in on any of the celebrations and I got him nothing. I didn't even say happy birthday.
I knew they were going out for the day but I didn't go and I knew ahead of time. When they got home, dad was upset because I was on the couch playing video games. He told me he'd missed me. Jen told me I had really hurt my dad and was behaving like a child instead of a 16 year old. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
anya-444
NTA, It is sorta petty but you tried with grown up talk and it didn't work out. It was a powerful move to show him how he makes you feel all the time. Its okay to accept stepkids, as he should-but he obviously put them ahead of you. Soon you will be old enough to move out and forget about all of them...
Ok_Mills_4869 (OP)
It wasn't our first talk either but it was the first one where I tried to be mature and express how I felt and what things bothered me specifically. It ended up going badly in the end. But I tried. I know I tried. And he still couldn't assure me or make it seem like he actually cared. He took me for granted.
Pleasant-Koala147
NTA
"Jen told me I…was behaving like a child."
You are a child. One that’s been abandoned by his father, despite the fact you live in the same home as him.
You’ve done all that you can to communicate your hurt to him. Now it’s time to protect your heart. He may come back to you soon and promise change. Believe only his actions. I’d actually recommend you get therapy for yourself. You’ve been through a lot, losing your mother and then being emotionally abandoned by your father, and you will need help to process this.
Emiliodash88
NTA. You tried to talk to him about it and it did nothing. I'm sorry your dad is treating you like this. Do you have any other family you can speak with?
Ok_Mills_4869 (OP)
No. My dad was never close to his family. They were pretty shitty (which is why he wanted to be such a good dad before and why he was able to be when I was younger). I don't know any of them. My mom wasn't very close to her family and they live in another state and I only have a little contact.
My grandparents are surrogate grandparents. They were our old neighbors and they sorta took my parents on as honorary kids and me as an honorary grandkid but I'm not sure that would work. I have talked to them about it but I prefer my time with them to be positive and less on the negative stuff.
ninaisnaughtty
I would tell your father that the feeling of sadness that he had on his birthday, you have felt for many years, that day he was in your place. If you really want your father to understand how much this affects you, maybe you should try talking to him again.
Maybe even seek help from a psychologist if possible. Talking in a calm environment where both parties can express their feelings and experiences can help find a solution that works for everyone.