Bride refuses to let stepson be flower boy, groom begs her to accept him. AITA?
"AITA for insisting my son be the flower boy?"
I am getting married in July (:D!) and wedding planning is in full swing. My wife to be and I are on the same page about almost everything, except for this one thing. My son wants to be the flower boy, and I want him to be too.
My fiance says that a flower girl is traditional and that it would be weird to have a flower boy. She says her family will be uncomfortable. She says that he should be the ring bearer.
He doesn't want to be the ring bearer, he wants to carry the basket of flower petals. He thinks it looks fun. My line of reasoning is that anything that gets him excited about this wedding and having a stepmom is a huge plus.
My fiance says we shouldn't teach my son that everything is about him. I absolutely agree. However, it is weird for kids when a parent gets remarried. He hasn't engaged much with the idea, and this is the first thing relating to the wedding he showed any excitement about.
My fiance wants to know what he would wear, and I said the three of us can definitely find something cute. She says she doesn't want that extra task on her plate. I said then he and I can do it, and she said she would be stressed about not knowing what he'll be wearing.
We have been going back and forth about this for a while, and she is starting to get frustrated. Yesterday she said she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I said we have to resolve it, because the wedding is in seven weeks. She said as far as she is concerned, it's resolved. I said that in that case, it's resolved for me too, and he's doing it. She asked me why I'm being such an AH about this.
I don't think I'm being an AH, but maybe I am. I haven't been pushy about anything else with the wedding. Whenever I wanted something that she didn't I either compromised or let it go. This is the one thing that really matters to me, and I think it's ultimately good for both of us because it will make my son more fond of her. Am I really being an AH?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You got your answer, and you still want to marry her?
I cannot upvote this enough. Things don't magically get better after the wedding. She seems to really dislike the son and has already started planting seeds with 'not everything is about him'.
So just to be clear on the clothing issue. She does not want to be involved in picking out his outfit, but she also doesn’t trust you to choose his clothes properly? Is she always this obstinate and exhausting? You will only be TA for subjecting your son to her for the rest of his childhood. She seems not to like him very much.
Also how is the issue of his clothes issue related to him being a flower boy? Would the choice of clothing be any different if he were a ring barer?
Does she even like your son? It sound like she doesn't.
This is a biggee that seems like a smallee. Have a little girl be a ring bearer to even it out if your fiancée has concerns about disenfranchising a little girl she had planned for the role. NTA. There’s a deeper issue here.
If your fiancée is this stuck in what boys should and shouldn’t do for appearance’s sake, please stay alert for any behaviors that can potentially harm your son’s psyche. This sounds very “boys don’t cry” to me. Boys can like flowers. Boys can wear pink. Hetero/homo/non-binary/doesn’t matter.
Is this 2025 or 1925? He’s just a little boy who wants to throw flowers. Probs wants to pelt the guests. So what?! Plus he’s excited. If she doesn’t let him, he’ll remember. It’ll cause a rift. Yada yada yada. And you can never forget the hurt done to your child. Please stand your ground. If it’s offensive to her, the reason why this offends her so is very harmful to men.
A boy carrying a basket of flowers is going to make her family uncomfortable? What type of backwards thinking toxic masculinity family are you marrying into? Do you really want your son's bonus parent to be someone who doesn't support him being himself? NTA but I would recommend premarital counseling before actually bringing her into your family.
It sounds like your wife has issues with your son and you should get to the root of that before you marry her.
This. As the mom and step mom, I did everything that I could to find way to include both kids into our wedding and let them know they are both equally as part of our family as we are. The day was as much about our family unit as it was about the marriage of the two of us.
If my step son had wanted to walk down with the flower girls (I ended up 3 of them in my attempt not to leave anyone out 😂), we would have found a way to make it cute and fun and made it work. As it was, we made it fun for him by making him Ring Security instead of a ring bearer.
We put the rings in a box that said ring security on it, he got to wear sunglasses and had a security badge pinned to his suit. He thought he was the man and the whole man and he loved it. lol. He still remembers it and that is what made it fun for him. Was it traditional? Not really. Was it fun and did it make him have fun at an otherwise fairly boring church service, yep.
You do what you gotta do for the kids….always. If she is already disregarding the little boys feelings, and soon to be husbands, I’d also be very concerned for the future. It’s going to be a really tough road.
NTA. She sounds like a bit of a bridezilla. Her family will be uncomfortable? Come on. It’s nice that you’re trying to accommodate your son and make him excited to be part of your wedding.