'AITA for insisting on having one of the rooms with a private bathroom on our family vacation?'
"AITA for insisting on having one of the rooms with a private bathroom on our family vacation?"
We will soon be going on the annual family vacation with my husband’s (H) family. We are the youngest adult couple. We are 22 total, 16 adults, 6 kids. The arrangement is that only the adults pay. This applies to both accommodation and groceries.
I earn about twice as much as my H, and one of our financial agreements is that I pay for our vacations. When the agreement about the cost distribution was made a couple of years ago, I had no objections. Over the past two years, I’ve felt increasingly uncomfortable with it.
Two years ago, when I grabbed a snack, I was told it was for the kids. Last year, I was told the same thing. In both cases, I ate the snack anyway without discussion. Two years ago, my H and I went grocery shopping with Aunts B and C. The rest of the group had a warm lunch and left nothing for us. My H and I went out to lunch. Aunts B and C made a sandwich.
During lunch last year, food was passed around. We sat at the end of the table. The dishes we received were nearly empty. When we mentioned we had only two servings for five people, we were told to get something else from the cupboard.
I genuinely don’t think there is any ill intent behind these actions, nor that they are directed at me personally. However, I feel that I show more solidarity than I receive. Another factor is that my H and I are the only couple without our own home.
My H is trying to build his own business, and I have two jobs with which I am trying to pay off my student debt more quickly. Income-wise, we are not far off from the other family members, but in terms of capital, we are far behind.
This year, a vacation home has been booked, of which only 4 bedrooms have a private bathroom. My H and I have previously indicated verbally that having our own bathroom is very important to us. We also mentioned this in the group chat during the booking. No promises have been made to us.Some have said they don't mind sharing, most have kept quiet.
AITA if I insist that we get one of these rooms? My H would rather avoid the whole discussion; if it were up to him, we wouldn’t go. For him, the bathroom is now a hard requirement. We have already paid. Normally, the best rooms go to the oldest family members.
I wonder if I’m just being stingy and should keep quiet. The vacations are very enjoyable, and the children are pleasant company. On the other hand, I don’t want our negative feelings to take over and make us not look forward to the vacations anymore. I plan on discussing the cost distribution after this vacation.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Bunlord3000 said:
NTA. Wow oh wow there is a lot to digest here. First off, this financial agreement… are you able to renegotiate? It sounds like you’ve been swindled my dear. As for the bathroom, go ahead! I’ve found people generally avoid conflict, especially those as slimy as you’ve described. You should have your pick of the bunch.
notforcommentinohgoo said:
These vacations sound hellish, and nobody there cares about you two (probably because you are a childless couple and therefore "less valuable"). And they expect you to feed their kids out of your own pockets. So why do you keep going? It makes no sense to me at all.
If your husband would choose not to go, why are you going?
08Kira20 OP responded:
I wouldn't go alone. But I also want my husband to have a good relationship with his family. Especially because he doesn't have a strong bond with his direct family members. Yesterday he was saying that the didn't want to go.
Because of the bathroom situation. I thought that it wasn't worth loosing family over that. That's why I'm pushing this subject. I want to try and find a solution that works for everyone.
We have talked it over after this post today and he has stated that he does want to go. After reading everything here, he thinks it's worth having the conversation with the family instead of just opting out without an explanation.
NTA. You're now subsidizing the kids' food and rooms. That's not reasonable, especially since you don't have kids. I'm glad you at the food even though you were told it was for the kids. I would address it now, or I would stop staying with the family now.
It's been mostly innocent up until this thing, though no food being left by the time it got to you at the table would have infuriated me, but it's tiptoeing into rude and entitled.
08Kira20 OP responded:
The only reason I ate the food (the first time) was because I thought the aunt was joking! I just laughed because I thought it was a pun because it was een mini sized bag of chips. It had never crossed my mind that she was serious and that there was such a thing as snacks for the children that the adults were not supposed to touch!
The next year it was the same thing. Only this time I looked for the grown-up chips first and couldn't find any. I thought there weren't any left so just took one of the small kids bags. Got a comment again. Said that there were only small bags left.
Apparently there were, and the chips were on a high shelve (I'm very short compared to my husband's family) that I was not able to see.
PieknaFatso said:
NTA in any way. I'd suggest the family isn't doing these things on purpose, you guys just sound low maintenance and easy to deal with, so it probably isn't obvious that you're being neglected a bit.
100% I'd bring it up, and the private bathroom seems like the perfect opportunity to do it; especially as you don't have kids - why should you have to share with anybody?
Dragon_Queen_666 said:
NTA. But honestly, if your husband would prefer not to go, skip it. It's only stressing you out, as much as you enjoy the time spent with the kids.
GreenSuccessful7642 said:
NTA but this isn't a vacation. This is some form of torture.