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'AITA for keeping a secret from my friend about her husband that could've helped her in divorce trial?'

'AITA for keeping a secret from my friend about her husband that could've helped her in divorce trial?'


'AITA for keeping a secret which could have helped my friend in her divorce proceedings?'

I have known my friend, Kate, for a decade. She has been married to Andy for 7 years. I've never liked Andy. He gave off a "I am better than everyone because I have got money" vibe. She has one kid, Ben from previous marriage. Andy loved Ben. Because Ben's father is no more, Ben also saw Andy like a father figure.

My company develops and maintains software to many companies. We are very famous among law firms. Andy's law firm had a problem with the software and I went onsite to solve it. While I was there, I noticed that some mails were stuck in quarantine. Quarantine is when someone's office mail recieves mail from an unauthorized source and the algorithm marked it either as spam or malicious.

Long story short, I fixed the problem caused by the quarantine malfunction but I had to manually clear out the malicious marked emails. One such emails was to Andy and it was very obvious that he was cheating on Kate. There were pictures and there were pictures of them together, nsfw and sfw types. I deleted the email.

There are several reasons why I never mentioned this to anyone:

1.) I cannot reveal this information legally.

2.) If my company finds out, I'll be fired. I love my job. I didn't want to jeopardize that.

3.) I could get blacklisted.

4.) If Andy finds out, he will sue me till I am dry.

One year later, Andy serves Kate with divorce papers. Kate pretty much gets nothing except alimony because of her prenup. And then when everything was finalized, he revoked his US citizenship and went back to Canada (his home country). He didn't give Kate or Ben any warning and just up and left. Later I saw his new wedding photos and I recognised the woman as the one from the emails.

Kate has been really struggling since the divorce. She isn't able to hold on to a job properly. The pandemic isn't helping. She is constantly in the state of near broke. Here is where I might be the asshole. Few days ago, I was talking to Kate and she was venting. She told me how it would have been so much better if that asshole had cheated as the prenup would have been voided in that case.

She thinks she might have gotten a lot more at the time of divorce which would have helped her as he was the reason she left her job to be a SAHM. Ben is acting out and Kate told me that he is holding Kate responsible for the divorce. So, basically I screwed both Kate and Ben by keeping this fact to myself. Kate and Ben's relationship is strained because Ben doesn't know why they divorced.

Kate is almost destitute when she needn't have been if she had known. I found out about the clause too late. But I will also admit that if I had known about the prenup clause during the divorce proceedings, I still wouldn't have revealed it. AITA here? I definitely know that Andy is an @$$hole. But am I one too?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

EliteEmerz said:

NTA. You legally can’t tell her. Also seems like besides what you deleted there is no proof of the cheating. So all you are going to do is hurt your friend and make her crazy trying to prove it.

mckinnos said:

NTA. Andy’s a giant AH. You’re in a bind. You legally couldn’t have revealed that information. You could have gotten fired or get fired for doing so. I know you want to help your friend, but it’s best to pretend that you don’t know any of this. You can’t fix this situation. EDIT to fix name.

cyfermax said:

"So, basically I screwed both Kate and Ben by keeping this fact to myself." No. Andy screwed everyone, not you. Would it be nice if you told her? Yep. Are you an asshole for not jeopardising your entire career and potentially your future? Nope. You could have helped, but that doesn't mean you had to, and I don't know how anyone could blame you for the choices you made regardless of the outcome.

To be entirely fair, she clearly signed a MASSIVELY one-sided prenup so while he's the one to blame for the situation, she isn't entirely the victim...she knew what she was signing up to. NTA.

youbadoubadou said:

INFO, why didn't you try and warn her anonymously? Like make a fake insta and send her a message that you saw the or something - like make her look in a certain place for proof or something of the sort.

BusyLight32 said:

NTA. I work in IT and these are all very valid concerns and we are often privy to information we cannot disclose for the multitude of reasons you listed above. Were you take that risk, you might have impacted your profession, and life, for the rest of your life. This is sadly one of those cases where you cannot say anything as it would not really change anything except impact you.

And [deleted] said:

No, I don't think so. It's definitely an ethical dilemma, but you couldn't have revealed this without breaking professional boundaries and ethical rules within your organisation and profession, and without opening yourself up to legal liability. This sucks, obviously, but it only sucks because Andy's such a gigantic asshole. He's the guilty party here.

Did his leaving the country mean he didn't have pay alimony anymore or not? In any case, he's a cheater and an irresponsible douche. You're NTA for not opening yourself up to a world of trouble. Sometimes life just sucks and the wrong people are made to suffer.

Help Kate in any way you can now, there's nothing else you can do. In some ways, Kate has also made choices that brought her here (choosing to marry Andy, signing a prenup etc.), and she has to make the best of the situation she's in now.

Verdict: NTA.

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