"AITA for kicking my fiancé's sister out of my wedding?"
I (32f) have never had a good relationship with my mother. She was very emotionally and verbally mean with me when I was a kid. She's a very mean person that when I left for college at 18 I went no contact with her. It was best for me to distance myself from her and it worked for me.
When I met my fiancé John (30) five years ago he knew all about my relationship with my mom and that I was no contact with her. He always respected my boundaries and never pushed for me to have a relationship with her, even when I was pregnant with our daughter (2).
When I got engaged I made his sister Stacy my maid of honor because we have a very close relationship. Or thought I thought. Last Sunday I was going over the guest list with her and coming up with the seating chart for the reception.
I never said anything about where my mother would be sitting because she wasn't invited and I think that caught her off guard because she asked where my mother would be sitting.
I told her that my mother wasn't invited because we don't talk and I really don't want her at the wedding. She got quiet but didn't argue with me and we moved on from there.
A few days passed and I got a call from a number I didn't know. I didn't answer and hung up but the number called again so I answered. My heart dropped when I heard my mother's voice. She was crying through the phone asking me why she did know that I was getting married and I was honest with her.
I told her that she didn't need to know because of how she treated me all throughout my childhood. I had to go to therapy to undo the damage she did to me and I'm still not completely healed from it. I made a choice going no contact with her and I would like to keep it that way.
She told me that it was unfair that I was holding what she did years ago against her and she hopes that we could talk when she comes down for the wedding. I told her that wasn't necessary because she wasn't invited.
She started crying, asking me why I sent her an invitation to the wedding if I didn't actually want her there. I told her that I didn't, so I don't know how she got one, but it wasn't from me. She said nothing else and hung up the phone.
When John got home with Stacy I asked him why he sent an invitation to my mother when I told him that I didn't want her there. He was confused and said that he didn't but I told him that someone did because she has one.
That's when Stacy steps in and tells me that she was the one that sent out the invitation because she thought that if I saw her at my wedding I would realize how important it was to have my mother there for me.
Now Stacy knows what I have been through with my mom and why I didn't want her at my wedding. She knows that my relationship with her is not good and her going behind my back to invite someone to my wedding that I don't get along with felt like a huge act of betrayal.
I snapped at her and kicked her out of the wedding party because I refused to have someone there who didn't respect my boundaries and invited people I didn't like without my permission.
She immediately started crying to John, telling him that I couldn't do this and to stop me from kicking her out of the wedding. He was quick to take my side and completely banned her from the wedding. She was fuming mad and left without saying a word.
I got calls all Thursday and Friday from John's family telling me that I was the a*&%^le for making John ban his sister from the wedding. His mom actually told me that what she did wasn't even that big of a deal and I needed to stop acting like a petty baby over something that happened to me years ago.
I told her if she felt that way she didn't have come to the wedding either before hanging up on her. This whole thing has divided the family and it's making me feel guilty but John has reassured me that I did nothing wrong and had nothing to feel guilty about. I want to believe him but I can't help but feel like I might have overrated a bit. So am I the AH here?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Out of the wedding, out of your life.
NTA what a horrible thing for her to do when she knows about your past trauma.
NTA. i'm glad your husband is backing you up and supporting you. your future SIL not only broke your trust, but she went against what you said. somebody who wants the best for you and cares about you would never do that. i hope you're able to have a great, peaceful wedding.
NTA - awesome on your fiance for having your back. You kicked her out of the wedding party because she FAFO. Your fiance banned her from the wedding entirely, which is his choice, and I'm assuming it's not something you asked for.
The only thing you might want to discuss is if he's sure he really doesn't want her there because the only thing it seems like you wanted was for her to be out of the wedding party.
NTA. She completely disrespected your choices and disregarded your wishes. It's your wedding and it's your choice who you want on your big special day. Good on your part to remove people who betrayed you from your wedding.
YTA. Bridezilla much? Your wedding? Not OUR wedding? It seems to me, that Stacy is the only one with common sense. If you told her your “trauma”, she probably thought it wasn’t as bad as you think.
Seriously, you seemed to have shut out your mother for nothing. At 18, you’re were an idiot. Not an adult. Definitely not a responsible adult. Running away and going no contact is always a cowards way out. And the fact that Stacy deemed it ok to invite your mother, lets me know all I need to know about you and your undeveloped mindset.
Also, your bf/fiancé/husband is just a pushover. Probably is happy someone is touching him, and at that, won’t go against your wishes. Don’t count him as a responsible party.
No_Mix1473 OP responded:
I went no contact with my mother because she was very emotionally and verbally terrible towards me. Why should I stay in contact with someone and have them at my wedding when all they have done is hurt me? My mother has never once tried to reach out and apologize for what she has done and at this point in my life I don't need an apology for her.
Things would have been different if she even tried, but she never did so I always figured that we were both better off without each other in our lives. Also my daughter won't do what I did to my mother because I would never treat her the way my mother treated me. Have the day you deserve.