'AITA for kicking my husband and sister out over their 'secret?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for kicking my husband and sister out over their 'secret?'"

I (28F) found out last week that my husband (31M) of the last 4 years, and my sister-in-law (his sister) (31F) lost their v-rginity to each other. Before you think we're something out of Deliverance, I should clarify. TECHNICALLY it's his step-sister. She came to visit recently and I overheard them "reminiscing" about it over coffee.

It was early in the morning and I guess they didn't know I was up and quietly coming downstairs. I wasn't sure what to do so I fake coughed and was a bit louder than usual as I finished my trip down the stairs. It definitely startled them, but I'm fairly sure (at the time) they didn't realize I had heard them. We said our good mornings and chatted while I joined them for coffee.

I tried my best to push it out of my mind, but just couldn't, so later that night I confronted them. After some stuttering and extreme awkwardness, they explained what happened. Their parents started dating when they were about 14, but they had known each other before, being in same grade and going to the same school.

Each admitted they had a small mutual crush but had never really spent much since time together as they were part of different social groups. However, after the wedding they started living together, and a few months later (a bit shy of two years after their parents met, when they were about 16) they say things "just happened."

Apparently quite a few times over the last twoish years of high school up until they graduated and ended up at different colleges. After that, they'd only see each other at breaks and holidays, with both dating several other people in the interim between then and when my husband and I started dating.

Both swear they haven't been intimate since and have no desire to again. We had talked about our "firsts" while dating, but he just said it was someone he "went to high school with" and that they were never really dating and basically FWBs that casually hooked-up now and then.

He did use his sister's middle name- I guess he wasn't quick enough to come up with a better fake name, but it's a very common name so didn't really seem strange...until now anyway...I'm the only one who knows their secret other than the two of them.

I want to trust my husband, and from their conversation and general demeanor around each other I think their feelings now are purely familial, but I just couldn't process what I was hearing.

I freaked out pretty bad on both of them, saying it was still perverse and they were both freaks. I quickly packed a bag with some spare clothes and left to stay in a hotel while I collect my thoughts. Honestly I should have kicked HIM and his sister out, but just had to get away from that situation asap. He's been texting me non stop saying I'm being dramatic, and it really shouldn't be a huge deal.

He justifies it by saying it's "not like our parents got married when we were little kids and we grew up together. We were young and horny and liked each other."Or that "what if there was an alternate universe where our(my husband and myself), parents met AFTER the two of us were dating and ended up getting married.

We'd then technically be step-siblings then so would we then be "perverts" for having s#$?" I...understand the point he's TRYING to make, but just....ew..It did NOT make me feel better. I'm just at a loss. I don't know how I'm ever going to look at them the same now(especially HER). Please help me. AITA here?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

hypnagogicXjerk wrote:

NTA. I’m gonna ignore the weird sibling issue, it’s the fact he hid it from you and continued to see her. I think there’s some lingering feelings if they have to “Reminisce” about sleeping together.

OP responded:

This is fair, and not that I want to come off as defending him, but not sure "continued to see" her counts here.

She is his family. It's not like they're super close and see each other often. She lives halfway across the country from us and is very career oriented(She's a lawyer of some type), and this was maybe the 4th time we've met. A Christmas and thanksgiving on separate years and then our wedding. But yeah, definitely seemed to be waxing nostalgic a bit.

She was saying he found a good one(about me), and he was teasing her by asking when SHE was getting married(he knows she's focused on her job), and she, hopefully, joking said something like "I'm not sure I ever will. I guess you just ruined me for other men", and he laughed and replied "I guess I'm just that good eh?" Ahhhhh..

Virtual_Till2005 wrote:

In my opinion, him saying your overreacting is just ignoring your feelings towards the situation. You feel a certain way about the situation, he should respect that and try and listen to those feelings. Also ask yourself “how would I feel about him sitting with one of his other ex’s while their reminiscing on those times” if you wouldn’t like it then what changes?

Yes they are step siblings BUT you still have a right to feel the way you do and him dismissing that is ultimately going to make it worse. Also by lying/ not using her name when you asked who he lost his virginity to makes it worse too because he lied for a reason which is most probably because he knew it was wrong, so if he knew that then, what’s changed now?

OP responded:

Yes! All this is how I feel. Like, I for sure would've ended things if I found this out during the "getting to know you" part of our relationship. So I get WHY he'd lie, but it still lying.

ifyouregoingtoshoot_ wrote:

NTA. He’s right in that they aren’t siblings and weren’t raised together. With that conclusion in place, she’s any other non-related woman then. He can’t have it both ways. Reminiscing about their past s#$capades with her in his marital home with his wife upstairs is morally corrupt. There’s zero trust. Go home. Kick him out.

Disastrous-Rate-5447 wrote:

Seriously. I think the fact that they were reminiscing about it in his marital home with his wife upstairs is weirder than their fwb past. I wouldn’t trust them alone together tbh cuz his actions are a red flag.

OP responded:

I'm still not okay with it, but to give a bit more context I may have been embellishing a bit using the word "reminiscing" Copy/paste from another reply to a comment: She was saying he found a good one (about me), and he was teasing her by asking when SHE was getting married(he knows she's focused on her job[she's a lawyer]).

And she, hopefully, joking said something like "I'm not sure I ever will. I guess you just ruined me for other men", and he laughed and replied "I guess I'm just that good eh?"

Not long after posting, OP shared two edits.

EDIT: So I realized I bungled the title a bit. As I was writing this I was 100% planning on calling him back and telling them both to get the f#$k out as I shouldn't be the one that left, and thought it would be a more catchy succinct title. Then as I was writing I calmed down just enough to decide to get some opinions first and didn't think to change it.

EDIT 2: I got way more replies than I expected. I've read through a lot of them and got a lot to think about. I'm tired and want to try and get some sleep. I do have work tomorrrow but will try to reply some more and maybe post an update after(or during breaks or if I find free time during the day). The b#$%h should be flying back out tomorrow night so at this point will probably wait until then to go home.

Then two days later, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: I woke up to way too many replies to even begin going through and even trying to start to reply to a fraction of them gave me anxiety so I didn't.

After work, it was even worse. I did read through a lot of them so am just going to put an update here to address where I'm at. I went home after getting off knowing the step-sister-in-law would had left for the airport. My husband was there alone and could hardly look me in the eye. He found this post, and was beyond mortified.

Allegedly, his sister left not long after I did and was barely in our house or said a word to him since this all went down. We live in an area with a lot of hiking trails and similar recreational opportunities nearby, which IS one of her hobbies so he says she's been taking advantage and in general just finding somewhere else to be, only coming back to shower and sleep.

I plan on trying to talk to her soon and make sure everything corroborates on that point, but overall, I believed him. We had a very long talk about how their "banter" that morning made me feel, as well as his subsequent handling of it during our texting sessions.

I agreed with the many comments that it was borderline gas lighting and dismissive of my feelings. He didn't seem to like hearing that, but didn't argue against it and did seem to genuinely apologize(like an actual apology instead of some shit like "I'm sorry if you feel that way").

We decided he is going to go stay with one of his cousins for a while. We live in the same city and he’s the closest relative he could make arrangements with. I'm going to leave it up to him whether or not to give any details beyond we're fighting. Not sure how long that is going to last, but we are planning on going to couples therapy and at least try to work through this.

He agreed she was not to step foot in our house again, and I didn’t want to see her outside of the occasional family event if hosted elsewhere. Thankfully it was already a rare occurrence so don’t expect it to come up often. I know that's not what a lot of you want to hear, and in true reddit fashion there was a lot of the classic "leave his a--" comments.

I do understand that viewpoint and feel there were a lot of valid points being made, but for now I truly feel this is what's best. Maybe if anything more interesting develops I'll post an actual new "update" post in the future. Anyway, I’m going to go down a bottle of wine and treat myself to a hot soak with a bath bomb.

The comments kept coming.

fun_orange_3232 wrote:

One day we will learn the meaning of “gaslighting” as a society…one day. Frankly I would divorce someone who told me I couldn’t have someone in our home.

Regardless, I’m sure this was fun for whatever 15-year-old boy wrote it.

FullBlownPanic wrote:

I actually don't think this was a big deal at all. Like even the so-called reminiscing and not telling her from the beginning wasn't that bad imo.

Comfortable-Focus123 wrote:

Think I have posted this before, but I have two first cousins (also to each other) who slept with each other on a few occasions. I kind of found out when I witnessed them making out at a party (a friend pointed this out to me, asking "aren't they related to each other?").

Both of them were kind of the black sheep of the family, but my (and their) grandmother's favorites, as they were the most boisterous and dramatic at family gatherings. I also caught the male cousin making out with a 14-year-old when he was 25. They both were and are still screwed up. I do not have high hopes for OP's relationship here.