For the past 6 months my (43F) daughter (18) "Gracie" has been attending college and living in a shared house that I own. She has her best friend (19F) as her housemate as well as her best friend's boyfriend (19M) and another friend (18F).
I pay around $1000 /month (mortgage, taxes, insurance) for the house, and her housemates split all bills which run about $600 / month (they have part-time jobs). Well, recently Gracie told me that she wants to go to a college near LA.
It's always been her dream to go to college in SoCal. This will stretch her college fund very thin because the cost of college, room & board out there will be a LOT more than what I pay now. The issue is, if I charge them the full cost of the house, they won't be able to pay it. Gracie says it "wouldn't be fair to them" since she invited them to live there, and they are paying bills now.
She said if I kick them out they would have to go back to living with their families (whom they don't get along with) in small, cramped apartments. I told her that is not my problem. My position is -- I am paying for the house as long as Gracie is living there. If I have to pay out-of-state tuition, room & board in California, I'm not going to also pay for the house here. Gracie got upset at me and said I was being unfair.
She said I have the money and can afford it. She told me I was being an a-hole, heartless, greedy and selfish. While it's true I could afford it, I would have to cut back on my lifestyle considerably. I am prepared to live frugally and make sacrifices to send my daughter to college, but I don't feel I owe her friends a free house to live in, at my expense.
P.S. She would be moving to California in early August, so they have over 6 months to figure out their living arrangements. I would not be kicking them out immediately. WIBTA?
Turbulent_Ebb5669 wrote:
It's your house. Do what you want to do. Gracie has no say in it.
OP responded:
I think she feels bad moving to California because it means her friends have to go back to their (more crappy) living situations. She doesn't want her friends to suffer because of her actions. She chastised me for "not caring about them" and I really don't. I hardly know them. They're nice kids (as much as I've been around them) but I don't feel I owe them a free house.
Iknowsomethings2 wrote:
Your daughter is the greedy and selfish one. She expects you to pay for her out of state college AND pay for her friends to live on that house, wtf. You aren’t a charity.
They can find another place to live together that is cheaper.
Tell your daughter if she doesn’t like it then she can get a loan for her stay in California and you’ll use her college fund for her friends. I’m sure she’ll change her tune then.
Your daughter is sounding very entitled.
Rebelmoon88 wrote:
NTA. You’re already paying for Gracie’s current living situation and are willing to stretch your budget even further to support her dream of moving to SoCal. That’s incredibly generous. Her friends are not your financial responsibility, and it’s not “greedy” to expect them to cover costs if they want to keep living there.
Six months is plenty of time for them to figure out a new arrangement.
AND
Gracie’s sense of fairness shouldn’t come at your expense.
MysteriousChic09 wrote:
If they can't afford the full cost of the house, maybe they can try to find some housemates who can split the cost with them. Or they can get part-time jobs that pay more than just minimum wage, that's always an option. It's not your responsibility to cover their living expenses, especially if your daughter is moving out. They'll have plenty of time to figure things out.
OP responded:
I suggested to my daughter that her housemates can find another friend to help pay the house/bills (since there will be an extra bedroom) but she said that her best friend "has trust issues" "doesn't have any other friends" and "doesn't want to live with a stranger." Sorry, but again, that is not my problem.
JipC1963 wrote:
NTA! So let's get this straight...your daughter thinks you should continue to subsidize unrelated "friends" of your Daughter or STRANGERS while your Daughter leaves to go to a school in a MUCH higher COL area/State where you'll STILL have to cover her costs. Sorry, love, but you've raised an entitled brat! Especially now that she's claiming "that you can afford it!" WTF?
Sounds to me like you need to sit Gracie down and have "a come to Jesus" reckoning and serious conversation about the realities of money, expenses and paying bills, in particular, HER BILLS! It may be time to set some serious boundaries, maybe Gracie should have to "put off" going to California until SHE'S in a better financial position, NOT subsidized by YOU!
It's one thing to support her education, even support her dream move to her dream College/University in her dream State, but her demand that you have to give up YOUR financial comforts so SHE can galivant away while her friends continue to live off your "charity" because they're families "are mean?"
HELL NO! I don't know if you've spoiled and indulged this entitled little twit or Gracie is the typical "activist" Gen-Z College student who thinks the World owes them a free ride and they'll make an Executive paycheck as soon as they graduate.
Whatever Gracie's thought process is, if she were MY Daughter making such ridiculously entitled demands, I'd tell her she needs to take a "gap year" off and get a fulltime job and pay some bills.
If she stays in the house you own, they'll ALL have to split the total costs of fair market rates in your area (mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities and their food costs), because I can guarantee you that unless you agree to Gracie's demands, she WILL cut you off, call you ALL kinds of horrible names and things and will gaslight and manipulate you HARD!
I'm truly sorry that you're going through this. You sound like a wonderful, generous Mom and you certainly don't deserve this, especially from the Daughter you've given and done SO much for. Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success as you navigate this minefield!
Krischadazzle wrote:
NTA, but wow, does the plot thicken when college dreams meet real estate drama! I get it, the bank isn’t running a charity here and you’re not the Oprah of free housing. You’re already doing a lot by footing the bill for one dream in Cali, doesn’t mean you gotta sponsor everybody’s living situation back home.
It’s tough, but six months is a solid heads-up for them to figure things out. Maybe this can be a good life lesson in adulting for all involved? Sure, it’s a rough transition, but welcome to the real world, right? Plus, handling it now keeps you from starring in an episode of “Unexpected Housemates” later on.