Mother’s dying wish misinterpreted as man refuses to leave home meant for daughter. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for kicking out my mom’s boyfriend?"
When I was 17 my mom came into money. She tried to keep it quiet but she paid off my dad’s debts, bought him a small house, paid off her debts and paid for my sister’s college and set up funds for mine.
She had a boyfriend at the time and shortly after him and his son who was 7 moved into our new house. Over the next few years mom bought my sister a house after she graduated college. Her boyfriend lived with us and didn’t pay anything but he did work.
When I was 21 mom got diagnosed with cancer. It wasn’t good. She sat me and my sister down and went over exactly how much money there was. She intended to give her current house to me and both me and my sister were left with a large sum at the end of it.
She asked if I would allow her boyfriend to stay in the house with his son until he got his own place. I agreed. Before she died she told her boyfriend he would need to look for his own place but had time to save more for that journey.
For the last 4 years he has continued to reside in the house with his son. I haven’t minded because we get along okay. I pay all the bills but he does buy food for him and his kid.
He has dated off and on and mostly kept the women out of this house which I respected him for. Until his current partner. She’s been in my house 3 times and at first besides feeling a little uncomfortable I was okay with her. The last time this past weekend was the point where I lost my mind.
I was making myself some lunch when she came walking downstairs. She grabbed a plate and went to grab food out of my pan. I asked her what she thought was doing. She started telling me how I should look for somewhere else to live and leeching off my dead mom’s past relationship as an adult was pathetic.
I hollered for my mom’s old boyfriend he came down and I told him I didn’t know what he current thing thought but I wasn’t going to be disrespected in my house. He wouldn’t even look me in the eyes as he mumbled something about my mom promising him the house and he was just “being kind” letting me stay.
First that isn’t remotely true. Mom pulled him and i together after she asked if he could stay to set expectations. My mom met him shortly before she won the money and told him and us girls that she had no intention of leaving him money.
She did set aside a fund for his son for college when he gets there but he cannot touch it, only his son can. He has lived in this house almost 8 years without paying a dime he should have plenty of money and if he doesn’t that’s on him.
I told him he had 30 days to leave. I wasn’t going to house someone who would lie and disrespect me in my house. He left that night with his son but his ex wife called to tell me I am cruel and an AH for her son losing his house (he is here every other week).
I really feel like my mom didn’t expect him to still be here but my sister said she feels like I am breaking my promise to my mom and that made me feel like maybe I am the AH.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. The critical part here is that your mom asked you to let him stay until he got his own place and to give him time to find one. In that time, instead of looking to move somewhere else, he continued to settle into life in the house.
To the point where he even started bringing a new girlfriend along--he moved on but didn't move out. Him lying to her and telling her this was his house tells you everything you need to know about his actual intentions to leave.
You kicking him out wasn't abrupt--the clock had run out on your mother's kindness and your obligation to her a long time ago, and he was living there on generously borrowed time.
OPs mom probably expected it to be a month or two since he's working but has no living expenses and didn't during their relationship not 4 years. Where the hell is his money going if he can't get his own place?
If it happened exactly how you said, you’re not the AH. If she did say he had time to save, but would need to look for his own place, that means she never imagined or wanted him staying for long. So you’re breaking no promises. Did she leave him any money or assets? It’s totally possible that your mother would be livid if she knew her boyfriend was still living with her son after 4 years.
NotWillingToShare (OP)
No she created a fund for his son for his college but that was the only money set aside for him or his son. It’s a generous amount enough for 4 years at a high dollar school. Anything not used for school will be given to him on his 25th birthday from what I believe she told me (a lawyer and accountant are in charge of those funds not me or my sister so I only know what she told us before she died).
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
I know the other sub is very subjective on updates so I figured I would post it here. I do want to take a moment to address some things I saw in the comment. There are trusts set up and neither me nor my sister has full access to the money left us.
This was done both because my sister and I were in our early 20s when my mom died and she wanted to make sure we had some stability before we had access and to protect us from people who may try to take advantage especially while we were grieving.
I have a lawyer. He has already informed me legally to my area what eviction laws are and my mom’s former boyfriend will be served with formal eviction papers just to cover myself even after today.
So to the update:
My dad came over (decided not to have my boyfriend over since he doesn’t know about the money side and I wasn’t trying to have the boyfriend out the situation) this morning and brought along my cousin. For easier telling I’m going to call mom’s former boyfriend C.
C showed up about 10am my time and talked to my dad then asked if he could have a couple of minutes alone with me. Dad nodded so my cousin and him went into the kitchen and C and I sat in the living room.
I’ll be honest I didn’t expect it to go as it had but I am glad it did. C started with an apology. I don’t remember all of the words said but the basics were he missed my mom, he has been lonely but not alone thanks to me and his son.
He was sorry for what had happened that he got caught up in lust and let someone else fill his head with ideas and that he owned up to his mistakes and should have never put up with someone who would disrespect me or my mom’s memory.
He tried to hand me a cashier’s check for 15000 dollars. He said it wasn’t much but he wanted me to know he appreciated me and living with me and that he wanted to pay back some of what he owed.
I refused the check both in part because I never wanted his money but I also don’t want to give any possible legal leg for him to stand on if this is somehow him trying to stay. I told him the first part and told him to put it towards a house.
He told me he is living with his sister but is going to look at houses with a realtor next week. He did say his son is asking about our next hang out date and said both me and my sister are welcome to arrange time with him.
After all of that my dad and cousin helped him get all the stuff out of the house that he owned (he had brought a U-Haul) and he gave me back my house keys. He apologized again and left. Not what I expected. But it went really well and I feel a lot less like I let my mom down.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
I’m just being nosey, sure, but how did the woman who thought she’s getting you kicked out of your house respond to it all?
NotWillingToShare (OP)
No clue. At my house she just seemed smug and uppity. I didn’t ask C about her and honestly don’t care. My house is nice but it’s not like it’s multi million dollars or anything.
For peace of mind, I'd recommend changing the locks. Good luck to you.
I just remembered I could really use 15K. lol, some fool had to say it. anyway, good luck, NTA, didn't read even a hint of being TA. I am glad you hired a lawyer, why people avoid this, I do not know. It's a good way to understand the law and follow the rules.
The minute he started bringing ladies over, should have been his clue to GTFO of YOUR house and that would have been the conversation I'd have had with him. You're dating again, good for you, now it's time to get your own place so you can build a life with THEM in a home that my mother was NOT in... Happy it went well, but make sure you put it all on paper with the lawyers.