'AITA for leaving the group chat after my ex's friends uninvited me from a wedding?'

"AITA for leaving a friend group chat after being uninvited from a wedding?"

My (22F) ex (27M) and I broke up last year and it was quite messy. When we started dating, I made friends with his friends and their girlfriends/wives and formed a very strong friendship with some of them (one of which I was part of her bridal party at her wedding, which happened after my ex and I broke up but she instsed she still wanted me there).

When we ended things, I gave him the option of me leaving the friend group chat, as well as the girls group chat (there were 3; girls, guys and combined). Knowing that I was close with them, particularly the girls, he told me he didn't want me to leave either if the groups and was happy for me to stick around them.

So for a few months everything went on sort of normal, we even saw each other at some of the group gatherings and things were nice. One evening, my current bf and I went to one of the friends places for a housewarming and everything seemed fine, until the next morning when I noticed no one was chatting in the group (it's a VERY lively group chat).

This went on for a few months until I eventually confronted one of the girls that I was close with, and she admitted that ex had thrown a tantrum after my bf and I left the housewarming and said that me being around upsets him and that it's unfair that I'm in the group chat and his girlfriend can't be

(no one said she couldn't be, he chose not to add her because I was on it, and her and I have met and chatted and we're civil with each other). So they created a new chat without me and had been using that one instead of the one I was on. Literally no one told me this for months, so obviously I was upset and honestly felt betrayed by these people I thought were "friends".

Cut to a couple months later, a girl in the group who had given my bf and I Save The Dates for her wedding (these had been given to us 6 months prior) told us we could no longer attend because her fiance didn't want trouble at the wedding, but ex was still invited. Now, I get that ex and group have been friends longer, but I had known the girl for as long as he had and I always thought we were close.

Also, surely if ex is the one causing issues then he's the one who should be uninvited, not me? So I left the girls group chat (I had already left the other group once I learnt the truth of them making a new one) and have pretty much stopped contact with all of them.

One of the girls asked me why I left and when I told her, she was quite off about it (was very short when she answered my messages). This made me feel like an a and that maybe I acted too rashly, but my current bf is really glad I stood up for myself and left, because it was honestly all very petty and high schoolish. So, AITA?

Edit because a lot of people are asking/commenting:

Ex was verbally, emotionally and mentally abusing, a drunk and an addict, which are all the main reasons the relationship ended, I did not cheat on him. He ended things, I tried fixing, but eventually we both agreed it was for the best.

I met his new gf before my bf and I started dating, and my bf was introduced to the group slowly so as not to cause any awkwardness (close friends first then others at the friends' insistence). I wasn't in my ex's face every weekend, I was only invited to birthdays and "special occasions" like weddings or housewarmings,and I was happy with that.

The housewarming was not the first time my ex met my current bf, he had met him a few months prior and they had even had civil conversations. I am angry that he decided he didn't want me around anymore, I'm upset at the way it was handled and that everyone essentially ghosted me because of him.

What do you think? AITA?

Here are some of the top comments and OP's responses:

OneMikeNation said:

NTA: it's obvious that they chose him over you, which in reality is fine and their prerogative but they should have been upfront with you about it. Instead of making a new chat and keeping you in the dark. So you leaving the chat is in your right after feeling like you were kicked to the curb

I know people are going to say the ex is an AH but I feel that he has the right to change his mind about having you around. And not like he forced them to choose him, he just mentioned he was uncomfortable being around you and your boyfriend. Where in my opinion is better for him up bring up now and not wait till an incident happens.

OP responded:

Thank you for that 🌻 While I completely understand that he has the right to change his mind, here's why I think he's the AH for what he did. Instead of coming to me and telling me he wanted me out of the combined group, he made a fuss of it (and from what I was told, it was a HUGE fuss with lots of shouting and swearing about me) to everyone else, when it was him that wanted me to stick around in the first place.

If he had come to me, I would've left without question. But instead, he put everyone else in an awkward position and it's not right.

CityBride said:

INFO: how long did you date? Months? Years? Right now I tend to think NAH. These were your bf’s friends first and apparently their loyalty remains with him. You met the bride on the same day, but he was friends with the groom already, so it’s natural he’d be the one invited. It sucks, but that’s often how it goes during a breakup...everyone is still nice at first and then it kind of faded away.

OP responded:

Thank you 😊 We dated for almost two years. In terms of the wedding, it's not that I wasn't invited (IMO giving someone a Save The Date is the first part of an invite), it's that my bf and I were both invited and then told 6 months later that we can't come because the groom is "worried there might be an issue".

No questioning loyalty, I value loyalty wholly, however what I don't agree with is me being excluded from things like a wedding because someone else is throwing a tantrum that I might be there. If I was going to a wedding and my ex was going to be there, I'd just ignore him if we weren't on speaking terms.

I'm not there for him, I'm there for the friends that are getting married 🤷🏻‍♀️ 100% agree that he can get preference over me because he's been around longer, but the reasoning behind me getting uninvited is shitty.

DevOnDemand said:

I really don't think you're TA, but I do think you're being unrealistic. You never should've stayed in those groups. They were his friends first and it puts everyone in a difficult position. I understand that you genuinely connected with some of them but they're still his friend group.

And honestly, showing up to a housewarming full of your ex's friends with your new bf was just extremely inconsiderate. Most people would be uncomfortable with that, and you're judging him for venting to HIS friends. He got upset and told HIS closest friends he was upset. Who else is he supposed to talk to?

I get that this sucks for you, it really does, but this is also just how these things go. Stop trying to be in this friend group, if you want to keep in touch with certain individual women then by all means do so, but let your ex have his friends.

And OP responded:

Thank you for the NTA, however I do have to point out that on each occasion that I was with the group, both my bf and I were invited, including the housewarming, so I don't understand why you would say I'm being inconsiderate there?

There were times when I wasn't invited, and I was fine with that. Thats how things go and I fully understand it and have no issue with it. I wasn't in my ex's face every weekend. I saw the group every birthday and on special occasions (like a housewarming), and us girls would sometimes make plans to hang out without the guys.

If one of HIS friends wanted to invite me to their birthday because he/she genuinely wanted me there, who is my ex to say he can't? That's my whole point here and why I was hurt by the whole situation, and why I am no longer part of the friend group

simba1998 said:

Info. I'm a bit confused. It seems these were his friends, but you knew the girl as long? So is the thing that he was friends with the groom longer? Either way, you aren't an ass for leaving the chat, but I feel like the way you are acting is kind of sh!tty. Look, They were his friends first.

Sometimes, in breakups, friends choose sides. You lost this time. It happens. Again, they were his friends first. It didn't sound like they didn't like you, just felt that the best path forward was to remove you from the group chat, which IMO makes sense.

And OP responded:

Yeah he was friends with the groom but met the bride the same day as I did, so we were both friends with the bride for the same amount of time. He was close with the groom, I was close with the bride.

I understand they were his friends first, I think what upset me about the whole thing is that they weren't mature about it. Instead of coming to me (particularly ex), they did it behind my back and made me feel like a dumbass every time I saw them. It just wasn't a very honest or nice thing to do 🤷🏻‍♀️ I appreciate your opinion, thank you 🌻

And dart1126 said:

NTA. To go to the lengths of UNinviting you to a wedding that you have long expected to attend is a pretty loud and clear signal unfortunately. Why the guy part of that couple would say it’s because he doesn’t want trouble at the wedding when there has been no trouble thus far is strange.

Sounds like by inference and of course my assumption your ex clearly said please uninvite her.... he shouldn’t have asked them to do that nor should they have actually done it

OP responded:

That was honestly my first thought as well. I was the bridesmaid for the other friend at her wedding after ex and I broke up, and there absolutely no issues. In fact, ex and I chatted the whole night and actually had fun, and we were both with our current partners at that time already.

Other bride and groom were at that wedding too and were witness to there being no issues. So why, all of a sudden, is groom worried about an issue taking place? I certainly made no indication that I would cause an incident.

Ex used to treat me like utter rubbish when the group was sometimes together, but I ignored it because I wasn't there for him, I was there to spend time with friends. It's really awful that people can't stand up to other people when they know they're doing something wrong. Thank you so much for your opinion, I really appreciate it 🌻

Most commenters seem to think NTA/NAH, but OP is not entirely free of blame in this situation. What do you think?