Wedding confusion: Woman asked to leave event as ex takes her place at head table. AITA?
"AITA for leaving a wedding reception upon arrival?"
tempdump9
So this happened last weekend. I (36F) was asked by my brother (40M) to do him a favor and go to a wedding with his recently divorced best friend (42M), "Ted". Ted's just out of the marriage and hasn't started dating yet, but his sister was having her second wedding and he didn't want to be the only groomsman going alone.
I've known Ted for years and he's always seemed a decent enough dude when I've bumped into him at my brother's events. Lacking plans last Saturday, being a pity date to a wedding for him seemed fine.
I arrived on my own since he was in the bridal party, and the ceremony in the outdoor garden space was lovely. Upon entering the indoor reception space, Ted's name was on the seating chart at the head table. My name was not on the chart anywhere. Not as me. Not as Ted's +1. It was assigned seating and every chair at every table had a name.
I had not even spoken to Ted at this point as he was with the bridal party before the wedding and taken off to do photos right after. One of the event staff saw me at the seating chart for way too long and asked if I needed help.
I explained my issue and she called the wedding planner. After about 20 minutes of standing awkwardly in the lobby-type area, she came and informed me Ted did not have a plus one for the wedding and they were at some kind of fire safety limit for the venue for the seated dinner and they could not accommodate me at the event. She was polite but very firm.
I wanted to die of embarrassment, apologized, and texted Ted that the wedding planner said I had to leave because of occupancy limits and my not being on the guest list. Then I hopped in my car and headed home.
About a half-hour later, he texted me back saying his sister was being an asshole and had invited his ex as his plus one and put her on the seating chart. There was apparently drama and the ex left. He wanted me to come back and take her spot. It was still cocktail time, so dinner hadn't even happened yet and he had an empty seat next to him at the head table.
I was already home, changed out of my dress, makeup washed off, and looking at takeout menus. I texted him back that I wasn't comfortable returning when I'd already been kicked out, and I was already home and not in an event-appropriate state anymore anyway.
He got very demanding that I return because he was embarrassed by not having a date, and I'd promised to be there for him. He got my brother in on it to also demand I come back, and he's been guilting me ever since for leaving his BFF in the lurch.
This has turned into a whole Facebook thing where Ted's ex has been mocking him for his date running away, and people are blaming me for ditching him when my whole job was to be a pity date.
Also that I should have stayed until I talked to Ted himself instead of texting him. I could have stayed in the parking lot until he replied, I suppose, but it didn't occur to me at the time. I also could have gone back, but really just didn't want to at that point. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Kragg_hack
So, why didn't Ted realize all this from the beginning. Why didn't he text you about if you were there before the wedding? Seems like he should have easily realized his ex was there and questioned his sister. Your NTA, but your brother, ted and his sister sure sounds like that.
tempdump9 (OP)
Ted has always been a bit oblivious to the world around him beyond what he's actively engaged in at the moment. Think the sort of guy who asks when dinner is at a BBQ when it's been being served for the last hour and he's ten feet away from the grill and table full of ready-to-eat food. He means well and was probably too busy playing with the kids to notice.
Kragg_hack
If it was important for him that you should be there he should have made sure you were there. Anyway, biggest AH is the sister, don't understand how people don't get mad at her for what she did.
tempdump9 (OP)
It's very unclear to me what's up with the sister. The ex could have been invited before the divorce and nobody thought to update the list or tell her not to show. The sister and ex could have been shit-stirring together. I'm not close to this broader social circle to have any real insight. I'd kinda hoped they'd all be too busy doing drama with each other to remember I existed at all. Sadly, no.
ButterflySammy
NTA. You weren't on the list, were asked to leave. It would have been worse to make a scene and stay. I can see why he's recently divorced if he blames your actions.
ViewtifulGene
NTA. Being turned away as a plus one after trying to sort it out was already pretty disrespectful. And your entire reason for being invited was petty to begin with. Ted is being insecure. There is nothing wrong with arriving at a wedding single. Whatever brain worm got into him is his own problem.
SnoopyisCute
NTA. But, your brother and Ted are. It's NOT OK to treat people this way. Regardless of his "bridal party" status, he should have taken a few minutes to find you and not expect you to just wander around mostly strangers. He sounds horribly entitled and obtuse.