'AITA for leaving my boyfriend 'behind' when I found out he planned to have a 'traditional' family?'
"AITA for leaving my boyfriend 'behind' when I found out he planned to have a 'traditional' family?"
For context: I (23F) left the country two years ago just after college graduation. I also broke up with my ex (24M) because I didn't want to do long distance and our beliefs didn't align anymore.
We both come from the same culture and dated throughout college, but while I wanted to move abroad, and study further, considering the safety of women in my home country, his plans were that he would stay and take care of his family (we were both the eldest children of the family).
Neither of us was technically willing to adjust, however, what made me dump him was that he just turned into a different person in the last months of the relationship. He wanted me to act like a 'traditional' woman if we were to have a proper family.
He would constantly say things like " Women have been historically adjusting for their loved ones and can you say every single woman was unhappy about it?" and " Why are you so selfish, does our future not matter to you? Do you trust me enough to take care of you?" and what not.
Heck, he even got his mom and sister to call me and tell me if I was ready for them to talk to my parents about marriage. Luckily my dad handled it because rejecting matches, especially if the couple dated beforehand would cause a scandal in my community.
It felt like I was the one who had to sacrifice my happiness at the first place because of 'tradition'. I also didn't grow up in a conservative family like him, and my parents told me to get the hell out of the relationship.
I broke up with him, and our friend groups were merged but everyone decided not to take sides, so there was no drama. I have been single for the last two years and have travelled a lot, and I plan to get residency after a few years here.
This was the first time I went back home after two years because my cousin just had a kid. I did not intend to see or call my ex, but I met up with my college friends, and most of them (including my ex) live in my hometown, so I knew, to see all my friends I had to see him.
It was so awkward, but we were both silent and just nodded at each other and I thought that would be it. But one of his friends started talking about his fiancé, and he is a bit of an AH, so he said, " OP I'm so glad you left him (ex) behind because you didn't want to be happy in our 'traditional' families.
Now another will get to experience the real meaning of family (joint-Indian-Family)" I just laughed it off awkwardly and a couple of people shushed him. My close friends were very embarrassed and promised that both my ex and that guy would not be invited again.
But my ex left me a text (he got a second number) on how his friend was just defending him because I was flaunting my new life when I obviously wanted my ex to be hurt by it, that I dumped him for just a better degree. I told him this was 'why I left you' and blocked him.
The thing is. I have been guilty about it for the last two years and while I know I did the right thing for my career, maybe I should have tried not to hurt his feelings in such a direct way.
I feel horrible for his fiancé, as both of them know he doesn't love her (arranged match), and I feel had I had a better approach, maybe another person wouldn't have added to the mix. I feel like I was a heartless person (as my ex says) in dumping as I did, just because of our different beliefs. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Desi woman here. Absolutely NTA. Of course that asshole wants a traditional family - he gets an unpaid bangmaid nanny out of it! Good on you for dodging that bullet and living your best life while some other woman wastes her life on him.
Seriously, I clapped for her reading this. She's realized her own life with him ended when he expected her to be a cultural stereotypical relationship. She escaped, but it's still kind of sad he couldn't grow up. It was his one chance to have a real relationship outside of the confines of that rigid dogma. Kind of opportunity lost for both of them.
Honestly though where is his motivation? One of the biggest issues is that while we've raised our daughters to want more, we never taught our sons to expect less. He's probably going to be absolutely fine chugging through life with his little woman. Sad for her that she's stuck with a man like that.
Well done you on leaving him behind. You know your worth! Also your parents are awesome! Love this kind of support. You know you’ll always be the one that got away for him.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
I wasn't going to do an update. I just wanted to ask the internet (stupid place to go, I know, but I needed a neutral opinion because people around me either hate my ex or hate me.
I am still at my parents, and I told my dad what happened in the gathering. He chalked it up to my ex being jealous and insecure, and, he told me not to interfere and feel sorry for his fiancée, because if she is marrying him, then she must know what she's getting into.
After blocking my ex a couple of days ago, I actually managed to have the courage enough to ask him through a mutual friend to meet me. Again, I didn't go alone, and our mutual friend was there the entire time, in case there would be a shouting match or a scene.
We never had any closure, after I broke up with him. I just left. And even though I told him why I was breaking up with him, I never addressed all our problems and when I fell out of love and how he started to feel like a suffocating presence because of his judgement towards my life choices.
We met at our friend's house and he apologized for his friend and he said his friend was just being protective. I said I didn't care, and that I was sorry if I hurt him so badly that even after getting engaged he was mad at me.
I know many people may call me a doormat for saying sorry, but I did it for my peace of mind, I don't want to keep any regrets, not from my side. My ex did not scream, but he looked agitated and spoke for a while and I listened. His main problem was not with me dumping him, but the fact that I have always flaunted I was out of his league.
For context, my family is technically well-off, and my family has mostly liberal people, so not only are children in my family not taught that much gendered roles, most relatives (including my parents) never approve of their kids marrying into a religious family. How that made me flaunt anything, I still didn't get.
To sum it up, my ex said that I made him feel like he was never good enough for me to marry him, I certainly didn't love him enough or I'd compromise, and he has only felt inadequate our entire relationship because I acted like I was too good for his joint family ( where wives and mothers are still expected to wake up at the crack of dawn because.....WOMEN).
He also said that his fiancé will always respect his mom (I have never disrespected his mom) and his mother said 'ultra-modern' women don't make good wives. He also told me he felt like I keep on flaunting a picture-perfect life abroad and he felt awful because he lost me because he was not born as privileged as I was and he was stuck here.
I didn't feel like I needed to explain anything more to him after he was done speaking. It was..okay. Honestly, it's kind of relieving that he is a bit of a red-pill idiot and that I hadn't caused actual damage to a genuinely good person.
The only part that stung was when he said I had a picture-perfect life abroad because I don't have that. It's a new country, a new culture and a new language and while the quality of life may be more and I have my good days, that doesn't mean I don't struggle.
I miss my language, my home and my parents a lot. Just because you post selfies of places doesn't mean life is all sunshine and roses, unlike what social media would lead you to believe.
It was relieving, ultimately. I don't think I even know what closure actually means, and technically I'm doing good in life, all things considered. I will be okay, mostly. Thank you guys. You all were very nice in the replies.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Good. I wouldn't call you a doormat for wanting closure. He said his piece and confirmed you made the right choice.
Sounds like he made himself inferior. He thought you were out of his league therefore you must also think that. Be glad you dodged that bullet. His mother thinks that women who are ultra modern don’t make good wives? Is that because they expect a man that can actually adult and not have to mother them as well as work full time, raise kids and have a spotless home?
GarageFuzzy4367 (OP)
his mom actually reminded me of the horrible mother-in-law from 'marry my husband' kdrama sometimes. She used to be a nightmare because she treated his sister like shit and kept on spewing sexist norms that even had nothing to do with our religion.
"Honestly, it's kind of relieving that he is a bit of a red-pill idiot and that I hadn't caused actual damage to a genuinely good person."
I chuckled at this observation.
I mean, this is just a very very small, hateful man. He was always going to feel inferior, and he was always going to hate her for it. No matter what she did. It’s all he has in him.