Husband at his breaking point after 12 years of feeling exploited by 'disabled' wife's lack of contribution. AITA?
"AITA for leaving my disabled wife?"
I’m male aged 48. My wife is 56. We have two teenage daughters. I’m basically at my breaking point. Soon after my daughters (now aged 16 and 14) were born, my wife had some health issues. Psoriasis, hyperthyroidism and fibromyalgia.
I supported her when she took time off of work to get treatment. I paid when we hired a full time nanny. I’ve worked countless hours since then to make our situation work financially.
After a few years off work, my wife decided she didn’t want to go back to work. She lied (saying she can’t drive for example which she does all the time) and fought with her employer and was eventually declared disabled.
Since then she has done essentially nothing. She sleeps until noon every day. The nanny takes the kids to school, makes their lunches and prepares their dinner before leaving for the day. The nanny also does all of the cleaning. I cook and clean on the weekends.
I’m increasingly feeling exploited. When I talk to my wife, she is dismissive saying that she just needs a little more time to recover. It’s been 12 years. I said we don’t need a nanny for teenage kids.
My wife said she just needs the nanny a little longer. I recently learned that she offered the nanny lifetime employment without first talking to me. Her plan is that once the kids leave the house the nanny transitions to being a full time housekeeper.
My wife’s defense when I confronted her with this is that the nanny is “like family” and it would be wrong to let her go. This feels manipulative - like she’s packaging laziness as kindness.
My wife also says that she needs the nanny because my mother is unwell and my wife needs to help my mother. My mother is unwell, but my wife provides minimal support. My mother lives in a care home. My wife sees my mother maybe once a month and takes her to maybe two medical appointments a year.
My wife says that it’s common for women to give up their careers to raise their children and expect their husbands to support them, but she fails to say that’s not what she did.
When I express how I feel, I think I’m being gaslighted. My wife says that everything is perfect and I’m just having a midlife crisis. She says that she’s willing to fight for our relationship, but when I asked for changes, she said that everything is perfect and nothing can change. And that I would ruin our daughters’ lives if I end our relationship.
So what does fighting for the relationship mean if nothing can change? I feel guilty for leaving someone who has some health issues. But don’t I deserve a supportive partner to recognizes that I also have needs? AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
She has more than just health issues. She is being extremely manipulative and using her illness to make you feel bad for being unhappy. I'm honestly not surprised - people who are away from work for extended periods of time (especially those who are disabled OR who are fabricating a disability to get out of work) their mental health outcomes are significantly worse than average.
I would give her an ultimatum. She likely needs some type of therapist/psychologist. If she is driving and able to do tasks around the home but chooses not to, that is a problem. I would tell her either she's a) going back to work in some capacity or b) the nanny is getting fired and she needs to start taking on home tasks.
You are NOT being unreasonable. She has taken you for granted and in her mind, she has no incentive to do better because she thinks you will just keep supporting how things are right now. If she doesn't at least agree to work on it (and show some effort) over the next few months, I would go. It's not going to ruin your daughter's lives.
Your wife is taking advantage of you. Go talk to a lawyer. Get all your ducks in a row. Then offer her what you want or it’s divorce. That can be counseling, getting a job, or both. You don’t have to be her money tree.
Fibromyalgia is hell. I am exhausted 24 hours a day and my entire body hurts. On a good day, I wake up and my whole body—every inch—is a 2 on the pain scale. I regularly have to take a vomit bag out with me to walk my dogs because it’s too far to go without vomiting.
All of that and I’m still relatively mild, I can still work and lead a relatively normal life. Your wife is disabled. Possibly depressed. A hell of a lot going on. Do you think she’d agree with you that she does nothing?
I do think there’s a point of no return in caregiver relationships and it sounds like you’re there. But also she has some truly awful diagnoses going on and it seems like you’ve decided that she’s primarily lazy not disabled. That’s the part of it that I think is crappy.
Technical_Cost_4701 (OP)
I feel that I left out some important information. When there are fun activities on offer, she is all in. She travelled to London from North America for her brother’s wedding (I stayed with the kids), Barcelona for a girls trip (that included walking tours of the city, I stayed with the kids), got her diving certification, travels to Sri Lanka for spa retreats, goes to concerts and parties, etc.
I don’t deny that fybromaliga may be debilitating for some. I don’t believe it is for her. As I write this, I feel stupid that I allowed her to indulge herself so completely while I worked to make it financially possible.
I think she honestly believes that she contributed. Like she will say that she manages the household. But mostly that’s paying bills from an account into which I put money and grocery shopping (which she does do).
NTA You will be paying alimony. I'm disabled due to chronic headaches from fibromyalgia. I'm on disability and I hurt all the time. It is hell hurting all the time. Also sounds like she has depression. Is she getting any support?
I think if you're expecting her to be 100% back to normal, doing the same level of work, house cleaning, taking care of the kids, cooking etc. then yeah YTA. Any one of those health issues can mess you up and, y'know, she's not young. She might never be back to what she was in her prime.
If you're expecting a new normal where she's not expected to work as much as a 100% healthy person but is still contributing to the household, whatever that looks like, then NTA and you have the right to feel like she's taking advantage. There's still things she can do to make your life easier.