"Am I wrong for leaving my gf in a bar after I found out she spoke to her ex and didn’t tell me?"

My gf says that her ex traumatised her, and left her with a lot of trust issues because of his infidelity and the way she found out. He had been sleeping with multiple other people, and she only found out when one of the girls reached out to her. He then ended up in a relationship with the girl who had reached out to her, the day after they broke up. Because of this I’ve had to deal with a lot of trust issues.

Because of this we haven’t slept together despite being together for 5 months, as she wants to know I’m not just with her for that and wants to be really careful about who she sleeps with. I have also willingly let her go through my phone multiple times, just to reassure her. Sometimes she doesn’t even ask I just offer when I can tell she’s worrying because I have nothing to hide and I want her to feel secure.)

Story: I (21m) was out in a bar with my gf (22f) and having a good time, we are mid conversation but then out of nowhere she gets all weird and distracted. I ask her whats wrong and she says her ex just walked in. I ask her if she wants to leave. She says no she wants to see what he’s doing in the area as he is alone and lives like 30 miles away from here.

He stands at the bar, and we watch him for a few minutes. I’m about to ask her if we can stop watching him, when a girl walks in and goes up and they hug, and order a drinks. They then like link arms and walk to a table round the corner.

My gf looks distraught and like she’s going to start crying. I ask her if she’s okay or if she is getting triggered and she says she’s fine. I ask if that is one of the girls he cheated with and she says it isn’t. We sit there and it’s awkward, for about 5 minutes, then my gf says she wants to go and talk to him. I say there’s no point and to leave the past in the past.

She just keeps saying I don’t understand. I get a bit frustrated and ask what is there to understand, and she just gets angry and goes on a rant about how he’s full of shit etc etc etc. I’m like yeah well you knew that, and then she says, well he was saying he only wanted me and all this stuff and here he is with someone else.

I’m confused and say that she can’t expect him to stay single forever after their break up, and even she has moved on. That’s when she says that he was saying this to her earlier that week. This is like a gut punch, and I ask what she means. She then tells me that he had messaged her on instagram, asking for another chance, but she said no.

I ask why she didn’t tell me and she says because she said no, and it wasn’t important. I ask to see the messages and she says no and starts going on about privacy etc. I remind her that she has gone through my phone multiple times, and that I want to see. She says no again. I say if she doesn’t show me I’ll assume the worse and she reluctantly gives me her phone.

I read their messages, and it is sort of like she says, except they were talking for hours over the course of like 3 days, and even had two phone calls which were over half an hour long each. He tells her that he broke up with the girl he had cheated with because he wanted her back. She keeps saying no, that it’s too late and that she has a boyfriend but for some reason the conversation doesn’t end.

They just go on and on. He’s telling her about how he left his “toxic job” where the girls “always spoke bad about her”, how he “cut off all his friends who said she was no good for him” etc. She is saying she doesn’t believe him and that she can’t trust him. The last few messages is one of the calls, which is a 37 minute call over instagram.

After that call he says “I’ll leave you alone now. It was so nice hearing your voice again, and I want you to know I’m serious. I don’t want anyone but you. I understand you’re not in a place where you want to try again right now. But just know I’ll wait as long as it takes. If you need anything just call me”. She just replies saying “Thank you."

I screenshot the convo and send it to myself, because I want to go back over it when I’m not drunk. I ask my gf why she didn’t tell me and she just says again it wasn’t a big deal. I said to her that it seems like a big deal considering they were talking for hours and having long phone calls. She says that she was just seeking closure, and finally standing up for herself, as she didn’t get to in the relationship.

I ask why the conversation had to span multiple days and hours and she says “because there was a lot to talk about”. I ask her what was said on the phone calls and she says just the same as the texts. She says “there’s no way you’re mad about this” and I just got up and just walked off and she didn’t follow me she just let me go. I called an uber home, and left her at the bar.

She blew up at me for “abandoning her” and says she thought I just needed to cool off. We have been arguing since the weekend about this. She says it’s unsafe and reckless to leave a girl drunk alone in a bar at night, and that I’m overreacting. I say she lied to me, and she says she didn’t lie, she just didn’t think I’d care. Am I wrong here?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

mlhigg1973

Your girlfriend is not ready to be in a relationship.

NoSpankingAllowed said:

She still is attached to her ex. You literally did the right thing. She has issues and isn't going to be a safe partner for anyone in the near future. Just let her be. The fact that she got bothered that he didn't want "just her" says you were coming in second and no, their long talks were NOT closure. She's blowing smoke up your ass. Honestly she was probably damn near going back to him during those chats.

BudgetAttention9268 said:

Not Wrong: Dude there's a lot of background noise in your post.. let me break it down: She checked your phone constantly and treated you like the cheater (No Trust) She said no when you asked the same from her (hypocrite) She is obviously still hung up on her ex (emotional stepping stone) She is obviously not attracted to you otherwise she would have been intimate with you sooner (Stringing You along)

She did not want to leave the bar while he was there. Did not follow you out when you were in obvious distress over her actions over HIM (she picked him over you) Failed to tell you she was back in communication you know damn well the calls didn't match the messages. Why repeat the same thing twice? (Deceitful)

You are a fool to keep her around, drop her like a bad habit and go no contact and block her. (Run!)

t27lyne said:

Your not wrong and she didn’t tell you about him contacting her and them talking because she knew she was in the wrong and possibly because you would not be happy about her keeping contact with him and preventing them talking more. She’s not ready for a new relationship

ketchup788 said:

Why do you think she hasn't slept with you? So when she can take her ex back she can say she hasn't slept with anyone else, she's not over him

UPDATE:

So this morning, I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep. Today is my girlfriends day off and I asked her to come see me as soon as she woke up. She said no. I said if she didn’t we’d have to end things. She got here about 9am. I asked for her phone and this almost started another argument.

I think she could see my lack of sleep/genuine attitude of defeat, and just rolled her eyes and handed it to me. She is still talking to him. She texted him that night, saying she saw him and calling him a liar. He said he is just with people from his new job, and sent back a picture of him with a big group of girls and boys. He assured her he still only wants her.

She apologised to him. Funny, no one else came in when I was still there. So he just happened to meet the hot girl from work alone, first, and drink and sit with just her for 45 minutes at least before anyone else joined them. After she got off the phone to me after our argument that night, she asked if she could call him.

2 hour phone call. Sunday a 4 hour phone call from 9am-1pm. Monday a call from 6-8pm. Then last night a video call from 8pm-2am. Which means while I was typing this she was on facetime to him. For 6 hours. And in between all of this, sending each other memes, talking about old dates they went on, a bunch of inside jokes which I don’t care to know the reference for. Etc.

She couldn’t even look me in the eye. I said I had a few questions and she just said to me “is there any point?”. I said yes, to me there is. I asked her if she still had feelings for him. She said she didn’t think she did, but now she isn’t sure. I asked her why she didn’t just end it with me. Again she says she didn’t want to unless she was sure.

I asked her if the reason she hadn’t slept with me is because she was saving herself for him (something a few of you suggested) and she basically admitted it. She said on some level it still felt like she was cheating on him. She said her therapist said that sleeping with anyone before she was absolutely ready would be harmful to her and them, and that she didn’t want to hurt anyone.

I tell her I can’t. I can’t be with her, as she is not ready, certainly not over him, and that she has lied to me, and I see what she has done as cheating. She just said okay. She walked into my toilet, and made a phonecall. When she got back I helped her get together her things she had here, and then we sat and waited for her ride.

It was awkward. When she went to leave I tried to hug her goodbye, but she just said “please don’t touch me” and dodged it. She just looked really defeated. She went outside and wouldn’t you know, her ex was waiting for her. He took her two bags put them in the boot and they drove off. I went to message her asking if she was serious, but I was already blocked.

You were all right. I’m an idiot and feel like a loser for wasting these last 5 months, trying to be patient, and kind and understanding just to get it thrown back in my face. Gonna go try and lay down and get some more sleep. I don’t really wanna deal with this anymore. Sorry for wasting all of your time. Thanks for the advice tho.