'AITA for leaving my sick husband at the hotel to get food? He felt abandoned by me.'
"AITA for leaving my sick husband at the hotel to get food?"
Me (30F) and my husband (33M) are traveling overseas on a vacation. Unfortunately, he had pretty bad food poisoning last night and has lingering effects today, and so this morning I stayed at the hotel with him to watch shows.
This afternoon he came with me for a brief tour he had booked (couldn't be moved, he wanted to come in spite of feeling crappy), and we had a pretty significant spat. I had planned to stop for a late lunch after the tour - I had eaten nothing all day and it was roughly 2pm - while he headed back, still feeling queasy.
Thinking ahead, I mentioned that for dinner I might go out around our hotel and eat a quick ramen at night, and this is where our problems started. He then said there's no way I would want both a late lunch and a dinner (it is uncharacteristic, it's true), and that I was "using every opportunity" to desert him, and that he should't have to ask me to stay with him while he's feeling so ill.
A lot of arguments later, and the crux of the issue is that he feels that me going out twice for food is too much for me to leave him, especially so close together - and I don't think it's wrong of me to go out twice.
He told me it "speaks to my character" and that I'm a bad person for thinking this is okay, and that he feels like I don't care about him. He also said that if it was me, I would never have to ask him to stay - and this is true, but I would never want him to stay, if the roles were reversed I'd want him to go out and explore and not be cooped up with a sickie.
He told me he doesn't want me to stand vigil by him and be miserable just because he feels miserable, but everything he's doing is pointing towards the exact opposite. I feel very emotionally manipulated.
As to his illness - it's definitely one of those 24 hour food poisonings, vomit/diarrhea, slight fever, nothing life threatening. Have been giving him plenty of water and bland snacks. Beware of shellfish! So, AITA for wanting to leave my sick husband at the hotel for lunch and dinner? And before you ask...we are already in counseling.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
stophittingthyself wrote:
So you're supposed to not eat dinner? I genuinely don't understand what he wants. There's no way he'd prefer you getting room service and eating in front of him while he's throwing up. So he wants you to skip meals? This isn't you abandoning him. You're not even leaving the hotel! I'm not surprised you're in couples counselling if he does things like guilt you for eating. NTA.
OP responded:
When I asked him what option I could take that would not make him upset, the answer was to not eat dinner (because I had a late lunch). Neither of us thought of delivery/ corner store options at the time, but that probably would have worked as well.
But I just feel...it just seems kinda selfish for him to ask that of me, like the entire day of staying with him doesn't count if I walk down the street for a quick meal.
PomegranateZanzibar wrote:
Let me see if I have this right. Your husband is uncomfortable, but in no physical danger, and not only capable of looking after himself, but of going out and about when he wants to. In spite of that, he thinks it reflects poorly on your character that you want to eat two meals on the same day. NTA.
OP responded:
Yes...ish. I guess I could have looked at other options (delivery? corner stores?) but didn't. I could have had 2 meals and stayed with him 100% of the time if I wanted to only eat 7-11 (or found a delivery option) - didn't think of that at the time.
MaterialMonitor6423 wrote:
This isn't about eating two meals. You're on vacation. You should be doing as much as you can. As it is, you need to be at arm's length with him in case he needs anything. But exploring the immidiate area is reasonable. And he should want you to enjoy yourself. Not stay in a stinky hotel room being miserable. Give him some pedialyte and tell him to get better so you both can have some fun.
OP responded:
Yeah, I would have loved to go out and explore today - I only stayed back (without him asking) because I knew it mattered to him. Now it feels like that effort is unseen because of this, which is crazy. Tomorrow I'm definitely going out!
CrabbiestAsp wrote:
NTA. Me and hubby were overseas for our 1 year wedding anniversary. Towards the end of the trip I got the flu. In the morning he would make sure I had enough drinks and little snacks and he would go out adventuring.
He'd come back around dinner time and we would chill together. I didn't want him to miss out on fun things just because I felt like s#$t. He did ask me like 500 million times if I was sure before he left lol.
Normal-Grapefruit851 wrote:
NTA. He’s got a dodgy tummy. He’s not dying. And by the sounds of it he’s past the worst. If he’s well enough to go on a tour, he’s well enough to either come with you and eat something gentle or to not mind that you leave the hotel. It’s not like you’re out dancing on tables. Having been both the sick person and the partner I don’t think it’s unreasonable to leave him alone while you eat.
Karpboii wrote:
NTA, obvs. But I may have an insight - potentially, he wants you to offer to look after him so he can be magnanimous and let you go do your own thing. The fact that you don't require his permission/approval to do so appears to irk him.
Like, 'how dare you exist independently without running it by me first?'.
You said you're in counseling, but how often do his needs apparently override yours? Something to bring up next time, maybe.
OP responded:
Hmm, that’s really interesting- I hadn’t thought of it that way! Will bring this up for sure, thank you!
seasonaldiamond wrote:
NTA. Regardless of your reason for going out, you’re on holiday. You’re not ill. On many occasions I or my partner have been ill on trips, we’d never expect the other to stay and babysit us, we expect them to go out and enjoy the destination. He’s showing very selfish behaviour. Enjoy your trip!