'AITA for leaving my wife to go to my uncle's funeral even though her mom had just died?'
"AITA for leaving my wife to attend my uncle's funeral after her mom died?"
This happened a few years ago and I've come to terms that whether IATA or not, I shouldn't have done it for the amount of impact it had on my marriage.
My wife's mom died unexpectedly- she was not the healthiest person and had had some heart issues, but she was in her late 50's and it was a shock. She spent some time on life support in the hospital which was further traumatizing for my wife. After she died, I took the week off of work and was there for my wife 24/7.
Now, a bit prior to this my uncle also passed away. It was a very similar situation where he was not healthy, was in his late 50's and spent a few weeks in the hospital without getting better. This was an uncle that was very close to my family during my entire childhood- there for every major holiday, babysat my siblings and I often, worked with my dad, etc. so we saw him multiple times a week usually.
My wife and I live several states away from where I grew up. My mom scheduled a memorial for my uncle and I bought a plane ticket to attend. All of this happened / was scheduled weeks before my MIL died.
So the problem became- the memorial service ended up being a week and a half after my MIL died. When it got to the night before, my wife told me that she expected me not to go as she needed me with her.
Some additional context:
We have three children and the youngest was 2 at this time- so there was definitely an aspect of leaving her to have to take care of them by herself while I was gone.
I was gone for less than 24 hours- I flew in in the late afternoon basically with enough time to get to the memorial, slept over night, and came home the next day in the early afternoon.
Needless to say, I did not think it was fair to ask me not to attend my uncle's funeral and I told her I was going to go anyway. And I did. And I have still not heard the end of it and expect that I never will. So, AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
Jen5872 said:
I don't particularly think anyone is in the wrong here. Your losses so close together we're just unfortunate timing. You did what you could to minimize the amount of time you were gone. Your wife was grieving so it's understandable she wanted you there. You were grieving your uncle so also understandable you wanted to be there.
PanicAtTheGaslight said:
NTA. This was a reasonable trip and minimizing the time gone to less than 24 hours was commendable. Yes, it may have sucked for your wife, but you didn’t do this TO your wife. It’s a shitty situation, but you were NTA.
TheBookOfTormund said:
Blaming you for a complete coincidence feels totally wrong. No one was abandoned. You spent one (1) night away from home for A FUNERAL OF A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER and your wife is still digging in on you about it? I’m surprised you’ve put up with it this long without laying down a boundary.
FitzpleasureVibes said:
NTA. If she continues to bring it up, I would show her this… Her loss is not more valid than your own. And her behavior about you being gone for less than 24 hours to celebrate your uncles’ life is disgusting. I hope that given some time she can understand that and apologize.
Piavirtue said:
I don’t think you are an AH. While there is no good time for tragedy, your family had two very close together. It happens and it is hard. I think you did the best you could under the circumstances. You were there for your wife. Sometimes during our own hard times, we have to recognize that others are having hard times too.
I am not saying your wife should ‘get over it’ but she should stop bringing it up. She has to understand that two much loved family members passed away. She was not the only one in distress. She has to stop bringing this up. If she can’t, a therapist should explain it to her.
Edlo9596 said:
I have to give a gentle ESH, just because honestly, if your wife didn’t want you to go, you probably should have stayed with her. It’s unfortunate timing, but some people literally never get over the loss of a parent, and you even say how traumatic this was for her. Sounds like it’s probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to her.
However, if you’re saying this happened a few years ago and she’s still complaining about it, that’s a problem.
And OP responded:
This is pretty much where I land. However, in the moment I didn't have any idea where she was on the "I'll be really upset if you do this / I'll literally never forgive you for this" continuum. Obviously she was far on the other side of where I thought she was.
That's why I've told her if I knew in that moment what I know now I would not have done it. Getting to that point helped us move past it, but yeah, it still comes up pretty much every time she is upset with me.