'AITA for leaving my wife over a computer she doesn't approve of?' UPDATED 2X

Relationships have breaking points, it's just that some are more predictable than others.

"AITA for leaving my wife over a computer?"

I 26 M have been married to my wife Emma for 4 years. She was a social work major who I met in one of my gen ed classes. I explained to her I was a mechanical engineering major. She then asked if I could tutor her in math and that’s how we began dating. Afterwards I decided to get my masters in Japanese to help me gain more career opportunities.

My wife thought it was a silly idea, and said she wouldn’t be funding it, so we decided to keep our finances separate. It wasn’t a big deal since I was still working anyways. I just had less free time. So she was making more than me during this time. It paid off and I recently landed a high paying job and with that came more stress due to me having to travel to Japan often.

I’ve really been wanting to get into gaming so I invested in computer parts costing around 1500. Once I took the parts out of the box my wife noticed the receipt and asked how I could be so irresponsible with my money. She assumed I still made the same amount but when I told her that I make triple that amount she began giving me the silent treatment.

During this time I began to notice my things were going missing. I wanted to go fishing with some friends one time and when I was looking for my rods them she must’ve noticed and said she had given them to her Uncle. I told her not to take my stuff without asking but didn’t mind too much because they were old. So I just bought some more.

Another time I was about go to the gym and I was looking for my pre workout. I always keep three jars. I luckily had a can of monster and that helped. I asked my wife when she got home from work and she said she gave them to her cousin. I asked her to reimburse me because they cost $50$a jar. She said I make enough to replace them and just ignored me for the rest of the day.

One day when she thought I was sleep she was talking to someone on the phone explaining how she’s going to move my parents into our house. She hadn’t explained this me. We only have three rooms. One is her office, one is my office/game room, and the other is our bedroom.

She told the person on the phone who I assume is her sister that she’s going to give my gaming setup to her brother to make room and that I’ll get over it eventually. So today I left work early to catch her in the middle of her plans. And when I walked in our apartment, her and her brother were then placing everything into a box.

I asked what was going on and my wife, whose face was pale said she was cleaning when her brother came by. I asked him did he plan on taking my computer. Of course, he denied. So I went in the room to get the iPad we share. And I looked through the texts on there and it clearly shows my wife telling him when to pick it up and to deny that he had it.

I told him to get out and asked her why does she think she’s so entitled to my stuff. I have never yelled at her and I guess this scared her because she began to cry. She ended up packing a bag and went to stay with her sister. While she was out I picked up a lock for my office. Her sister texted me calling me an AH. I beginning to think I could’ve handled this better. I’m looking for advice.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Lord_Cheesy_Beans wrote:

You’re not leaving her over a computer, you’re leaving her for repeatedly stealing, and lying to you. Get the f#$k out.

No_Stairway_Denied wrote:

Stealing, lying, making major life decisions without you, not being supportive of you when you decide to get more education and then punishing you when you get a good job as a result, not respecting you as a human being...yeah saying "leaving her over a computer" is a ridiculous way to put it.

Limp-Star2137 wrote:

NTA. But this is bigger than a computer. Your wife is manipulating things and being selfish. Sounds like she is resentful as well. If you want to save the marriage, insist on counseling. Otherwise, you know what to do.

LK_Feral wrote:

You are not leaving her over a computer. You are leaving her because she is an immature, dishonest A-H who is stealing your stuff. Change the locks on the exterior doors. Pack her s#$t and put it outside. Tell the rest of her thieving family accomplices to come get it.

Separate your finances utterly. New credit cards. Kill the old joint ones. New passwords on financial accounts (including Amazon.com). File for divorce as soon as you can. NTA.

Two months later, OP jumped on with a major update.

After about a week staying at her sister's house, Emma called me and asked if we could meet up. I agreed and we met at a park. She apologized for everything and said she thought she was doing what was best for everybody. I asked what if I just gave her expensive makeup to my sister. She admitted that she would be upset. I then asked why did she think it would be any different for me.

She didn’t have a reason and her sister told her how unfair she was being to me. We decided to give it another chance and she moved back in. It was going good until she started moving her things into my office. I asked her what she was doing and she explained how she needed the room for her parents. I told her no and that’s not happening. I grabbed her things and placed them back into her office.

I told her that they could move in but my space has to remain untouched. On top of that we need to determine how bills are going to be paid because. She called me a selfish jerk and then ran back to her sisters. I guess her sister told her she was being inconsiderate once again.

And apparently they got into an argument because the sister refuses to take their parents in, and said she’s tired of hearing about her problems. I agree with her, her sister has 4 kids. Her sister called and told me everything, and said that Emma went to her parents house. I tried to call her but she ignored my phone calls for two weeks.

I decided I couldn’t live like this so I filed for divorce and handed to her at her parents house. She called and begged me to forgive her. I told her im not sure if I can. She refused to sign it until we go to counseling. I refused and said she had two weeks to suggest that. So now I live alone. She still refuses to sign the papers but that doesn’t stop the divorce it just makes it harder.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

emjkr wrote:

You know, your wife has not learned anything, has not changed as she promised, and still feels entitled to your money and your things. She’s disrespectful, uncommunicative and frankly quite mean. Stand your ground, you’re doing the right thing. (NTA)

lonewolf369963 wrote:

She had a problem supporting OP while he was taking steps to advance his career (which fortunately he didn't need), however has no problem with stealing from him once his hard work paid off. Good for OP for getting away from her.

BigBroTKD wrote:

NTA. Block her and her whole family. She is not mature enough to be married and has obvious issues with manipulation and communication. Leave her out of your life. You will be happier without her and eventually find someone who acts like an adult.

LittleGravitasIndeed wrote:

Well, her sister seems to be decent, and might be a good witness for the thefts, both actual and attempted. You know the wife talked to her about her “mistakes” at obnoxious length. I would keep her on my good side. Maybe her four kids want legos?

WhattheFox23 wrote:

How was what she was doing "best for everybody" when she would essentially steal your property and give it to random family members? And then make massive decisions about moving her parents in without consulting you? She hasn't changed and is an incredibly immature and selfish person. Good luck with the divorce. (NTA)

KonradWayne responded:

The only explanation I can think of is that she thought giving away all the stuff he needs for his hobbies would cause him to spend more time with her. Which, in her mind was net gain for everyone involved. Her family gets a bunch of free s**t, and they get to spend every second of his free time together, because he has literally nothing else to do. Win win?

Can't go fishing, because he has no rods? It's ok, because now he can hangout with her all day! He can even take her out to brunch at that new restaurant she's been wanting to go to. Isn't that so much better? Don't have anything to game on anymore? It's ok, because he can just spend time with her instead!

One month later, OP shared another update.

So Emma was cheating on me. The rods and pre workout didn’t go to her family, it went to her affair partner. I found this out when her parents invited me over to their house. When I got there Emma looked sick, like she hadn’t eaten for days. Her parents asked why I kicked her out and that me neglecting her is taking a toll on her mental health. Emma sat there silently crying.

I explained that I never kicked her out, and Emma refused to talk to me for weeks before I sent the divorce papers. I showed them text of me practically begging her to come home so we can talk it out. I asked Emma what did she tell her parents. Her dad chimed in saying that I went back on my word about letting her brother stay with me.

I asked what were they talking about and the reason we got into an argument is because they were supposed to move in. Emma ran to her room before she could be questioned. Her parents explained that they were happy with their home and had no plans to leave. I then showed them the text from her sister (Mary) explaining how Emma was mad at her because she couldn’t take her parents in.

They were confused, I was confused. So her parents called Mary to have her explain. Her brother (Jake) was also there. Emma just explained everything. Emma was cheating on me, Jake caught her and kinda bl*ckmailed her. So he was a freshman in high school and we live in a better district where basketball recruiting is more likely to happen.

Emma thought I would be more inclined to say yes if I thought it was her parents moving in. Emma’s parents called her downstairs immediately. She was listening and began to tell her side. Her affair partner’s wife found out, so he thought that relationship was over because she kicked him out the house. He convinced Emma to quit her job because he got a job opportunity in a different state.

But he was secretly meeting with his wife and they got back together. He hadn’t put in his two weeks yet so his life resumed normally. Emma on the other hand didn’t even put in her 2 weeks and just stopped showing up so she was fired.

And when her AP told her it’s over she went into a depression and tried to call me so we can go to counseling. I told her it’s over and asked that she sign the paperwork so this divorce can go smoothly. She begged for another chance, but I just left her crying.

Her parents informed me later that night that Emma was in the hospital from an OD of pills. I just ignored it. Her dad is asking that I come visit to show I care, I texted back I don’t care. I don’t know what to do. The moment I found out about the affair I fell out of love. But I feel cruel not going to visit her.

The comments kept coming in.

Jacksonlove3 wrote:

NTA and you don’t owe her anything. Emma made the choices she did and now she’s dealing with the consequences of those choices.

emjkr wrote:

She f’ed around and now she’s finding out.

Now, I might be cynical but this sounds like a way to make you feel bad and get back into your life. She’s repeatedly shown she’s not trustworthy, so keep your distance.

Awkwardfortunecookie wrote:

NTA, she’s still trying to manipulate you from a hospital bed. She has been the architect of every single one of her problems and, honestly, did you ever really know her?? I’m sorry it unfolded this way, but it sounds like you were more than patient and considerate of her, and all she did was lie, cheat, and steal from you.

LoudManagement6634 wrote:

NTA

If he hadn’t reconciled with his wife Emma would be with him. I wouldn’t give a shit that she was trying to kill herself either.

forever_single_now wrote:

NTA. She would have kept going if the AP did not drop her. Obviously her plan backfired and she had no backup plan. Sorry to feel happy for a cheater to get what he deserves.