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'AITA for letting my husband 'disrespect' my family while sticking up for me?'

'AITA for letting my husband 'disrespect' my family while sticking up for me?'

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"AITA for not disagreeing with my husband in front of my family?"

BG: I (26f) suffered from some serious trauma as a child, that my parents knew about and did nothing stop it until it was too late. As a result, I was a terrible kid. I'm not saying it's an excuse but it definitely messed me up and I couldn't get over it. I had severe depression and lashed out at everyone.

My attitude was awful and said some pretty terrible things. I never did anything illegal however I was just a POS. After I graduated HS, I did a complete 180. I got my sh!t together, went to therapy, apologized for everything I did and how I acted, went to college, graduated, got a degree and now have a beautiful family and home. However it was never enough for them and my parents continuously punished me.

The most relevant way (to the story) was by scheduling "Family Vacations" when they knew I absolutely could not attend and brag about their ventures in front of me. This brings us to my current situation. My sister's (30F) birthday is 10 days after a major surgery I'm scheduled to have. And for her 31st birthday, she wants to go to a touristy place, one state over a few hours away.

She wants to take a "family vacation" with the family two weeks after my surgery. This surgery isn't 100% emergent but it's definitely needed and will improve quality of life beyond belief. It's not a non-essential surgery either (i.e. plastic surgery or elective). It will be 8 weeks before I'm fully recovered but can be comfortably mobile at 4 weeks.

They knew about this surgery as it's really important and needed but still wanted to go any way. I asked if they'd be willing to wait just two weeks after so at the very least, I could go with them and celebrate. They all said no, which fair enough, her birthday she can celebrate how and when she wants. Of course it hurt a little but I wasn't going to push it.

My husband on the other hand was pretty pissed. He doesn't like how my family treats me (there's a lot of issues but due to character count, can't include it). He did not yell but he raised his voice a little and said he was disgusted and sick of the way they treat our small family (2 kids) and how he couldn't sit here anymore and watch them tear me down any further and this was messed up to constantly do this to me.

I did not ask him to stand up for me. I have only expressed my frustration in how they treat me, in our private conversations. He stood up (we were at a Mother's Day brunch) grabbed the kids and waited for me at the car. Everyone looked at me and waited for me to say something.

I just plainly said "I agree" and got up and left. Now they're all blowing up my phone for the past few days saying I'm an AH for not reprimanding him or stopping him from disrespecting my parents. I don't think I'm in the wrong. AITA here?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

NTA and bravo for your husband and for you. I don't understand why you would want to spend any time at all with such horrible toxic people?

[deleted] said:

NTA. Your husband loves you. He’s watching you get hurt and he wants to protect you. He’s a good man and your family is awful.

said:

You suggested he attend counseling for what? You issues aren’t with the donation. He feels he has to lie to hang out with friends for a few hours. What else is going on?

said:

NTA but you're a parent now. Why have ypu been exposing your kids to these @$$holes? Your husband should have put his foot down years ago. You're an adult. If you choose to keep them in your life despite the abuse then that's your choice. But your kids deserve better. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them.

OP responded:

They absolutely adore our first kid (7m) and treat him like a king so we spaced from them but let our son have sleep overs and spend time with them. But since our second child was born (1m) they showed some severe favouritism towards our oldest and didn't really want anything to do with our baby.

We went low contact for a while and stopped letting our son go over as we didn't want him or our baby into that kid of negativity. All was fine before then. But my sisters begged us to go to Mother's day lunch for my mom and I fell for the "We're family" act. But we're going back to LC-NC because we're both sick of the BS they put out.

said:

INFO: Why are you even attempting to foster a relationship with these people still? Why not block them and move on with your life? Especially when you have such a wonderful husband with a shiny backbone.

OP responded:

I love my husband very much I am very lucky to have him. And I think it stems from the history of constantly being compared to my sisters and degraded for not being good enough. "Oh 29 did this great thing and 30 did this great thing. Why aren't you doing this or that?"

So deep down I feel like I need to get their approval? Which I obviously know is stupid and it's one of the things I've been working on for a while. It's been difficult but I'm starting to get away from them.

I only went to the mothers day brunch because my sisters really wanted me there and said that I would be terrible if I didn't let our mom see her grandkids. I see now that it was all manipulation and my husband and I are discussing taking things further by going NC.

said:

Usually when kids act out it's a symptom of family issues, not because they're bad (whatever that means). So your family still punishing you for things you did as a child is bs, they probably need to take responsibility for some if not most of it themselves. You have a good man there, he's your real family. NTA 100%

And said:

NTA. You have done some powerful, self-reflective work and turned your life around. You also have a great attitude when it comes to your family's shenanigans. I salute you. Sadly, it sounds as if your family enjoys being manipulative and leveraging your past against you.

Instead of getting you help for your trauma and apologizing, they've chosen to throw your negative behavior in your face, and exclude you whenever possible. Yuck.

It would have been really odd for you to defend your family to your husband. What would you have said? "Well, I was a terrible person ten years ago, so I deserve to be reminded of that at every turn and deliberately excluded from family events, and I'm fine with everyone ignoring that I have to have surgery...."

You're not in the wrong, OP. Good luck on your surgery. Maybe you all can go on a nice little trip yourselves, after you're better.

She later shared this semi-update:

WOW holy moly guys! I was not expecting such a huge response and thank you everyone for the awards!! You guys are a wonderful community and we appreciate all of your words of support.

Husband and I are still discussing everything and will be happy to update in a couple days if that's what people would like. I'm trying to read every comment so if I don't reply, know that I have at least read and listened to your words. Again thank you guys so much.

We never got a second update, so hopefully things worked out!

Sources: Reddit
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