Father accused of disrupting 'new family' as kids choose to live with him full-time post-divorce. AITA?
"AITA for letting my kids live with me full time?"
Ok_Peace_4573
I (40m) have been divorced from my ex wife (38f) for 10 years. We share two children ages 13 and 12. Per our court ordered custody order, once the children are 12 (or older) they have the right to say no to going to the other parents house and as long as we send that decision in written format (email, through the app or letter that has a copy) to the parent the children do not want to stay with anymore.
I chose to use the co-parenting app to communicate our kids decision to stay with me. My ex-wife hates the decision and has accused me of coming between our kids and her family and not promoting a healthy home life for our shared children.
Of course she'd be upset and wouldn't like it. This is not the first she knew they felt this way. Last year she complained that the kids had asked to stay with me instead of going to her house. But she accused me of making the decision for them and letting them avoid their family.
Some bg to explain dynamics: Our divorce was not due to infidelity or any mistreatment. We were just not a good couple and we'd mostly married for the wrong reasons and tried staying together because she got pregnant twice.
But it wasn't working. She remarried 8 years ago and has three additional children who are 5 and under. I brought our kids to meet their half siblings at the hospital or set up zoom calls for them to meet after birth (during Covid) because I had custody when my ex had her three other children.
I was blamed for our kids lack of enthusiasm even though I did bring them and I even brought a small gift from our kids to their new sibling. My kids never liked ex's husband.
He avoided me completely so I never spoke to him (and I did attempt to once or twice) but I also know ex's sister hates him and she and my ex no longer speak because of this. My kids and ex's relationship struggled since the birth of their first half sibling.
They use half. She hates it. She punished them for using it and they said they weren't doing anything wrong which drove her crazy. She took me back to court and asked for full custody at the time because she believed it came from me.
The judge dismissed her claims. But it didn't change how much the kids hated being there. I think the only reason our oldest didn't ask to stop a year ago is because of their sibling.
My ex has mentioned how all of this is my fault and if I had nipped the half in the bud and made them see they have two dads, none of this would be happening, she'd have the family she deserves. And she said that I am denying her younger kids the chance to know their siblings by letting our kids live with me. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Ok-Position7403
NTA but I'm confused how you can communicate the decision through the app. Did the kids not have to tell a judge their decision? That opens her up to blame you so of course she did.
Regardless, you sound pretty decent, bringing a gift for the new siblings was thoughtful. Best for everyone would be if you can maintain custody since that's what they want, but encourage them to visit from time to time and form relationships with the stepsibs, and with her as much as possible.
Promise you will come get them any time they want. The kids are still very young and encouraging them to form family bonds on the other side is worthwhile. If no good comes out of it after a year or so, stop for a while but then try again. Good luck.
Comfortable-Sea-2454
NTA. My ex has mentioned how all of this is my fault and if I had nipped the half in the bud and made them see they have two dads, none of this would be happening, she'd have the family she deserves. And she said that I am denying her younger kids the chance to know their siblings by letting our kids live with me.
Your Ex is acting like she fell out of a tree and landed on her head, hard!!! She tried to force a sibling relationship that your kids don't want/didn't want and she is now seeing the result. In layman's terms, she fucked around and is now found out!!!!
savinathewhite
NTA. Blended families are always a delicate balance. The moment she started pushing for her own idea of what her children should or should not feel, she forfeited the game.
If your court order stipulates that it’s up to the children at X age, then it’s up to the children at that age, and if she has an issue (especially a problem she herself caused), then she can go back to court to ask for family counseling. No way the court will issue mandated visits unless she can prove there’s more going on than “my kids hate me because I suck at parenting.”
IrrelevantManatee
NTA. It's pretty obvious that teenagers won't be happy to stay in a house where they have to share their space with 3 others younger siblings, with a step dad they don't like. Ultimately, it's their choice. She made the choice to remarry and have another bunch of kid, she knew the risk she was taking.
Several_Essay_7028
NTA. Your ex is making your kids dislike her even more with this behavior. It's not your job to make your kids like anyone, including their step dad and half siblings. You should continue to stand up for your kids and defend their right to live with a parent where they feel loved and safe.