'AITA for locking the stepdaughter out of the bedroom? She keeps using our towels.' UPDATED
"AITA for locking the stepdaughter out of the bedroom?"
So recently, my 29 year-old step-daughter moved back in with my husband and me. Before she moved back in with us, she stayed at our house while we were on a trip. When we returned from the trip, I found things in our ensuite bathroom in the wrong place.
When I went to get clean towels, there were towels in the wrong place. I knew that my stepdaughter had used our ensuite shower and our towels. I just made a mental note of items out of place, but didn't say anything.
A few months later, she confessed that she had used the shower. I said that I already knew this because I found things out of place. She insisted that she put everything back in place and my husband kind of gave me a dirty look. Yes, there is a full hall bath that she normally uses. It is directly across the hall from her bedroom door.
She moved back in with us sooner than expected so we still had a few things in the room that is now her bedroom. One day while she was at work,I did not have a lot to do so I went into the room and removed our remaining items. I truly felt like I was doing a kind thing for her because it would give her more space and allow her to organize her belongings better.
She got upset and set a boundary that we should not go into her room without her prior permission. It's definitely fair for her to set a boundary that we should not go into her room without asking but I had a specific reason and wanted to surprise her. Nevertheless I apologized and said I would clear it next time.
I was reflecting on these incidents this morning and found it ironic that it was OK for her to use our shower and our towels but not OK for me to go remove our things from her room. My husband and I are about to take a short trip. I would prefer that she not use our shower so I am considering locking the door to the primary suite.
I do feel like my husband has a little bit of a problem setting boundaries with the young adults so I think he would be upset with me if I did this. I feel like what what's fair is fair. It's fair to ask us not to enter her room and I think it's fair that she should not use our shower. So would I be TA if I lock the door and don't mention it to either of them?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Ironyismylife28 wrote:
Is there a reason you can't have a conversation with her and let her know you understand her request and expect the same respect?
Locking the door without having a conversation like the adults you would make you TA.
OP responded:
Thanks for your feedback. I’m very conflict avoidant but do need to try.
[deleted] wrote:
ESH.
Ask yourself: is it really worth a move of pettiness and dealing with the fallout with the husband afterwards? One question I would like to ask is why the stepdaughter used your shower, that part seems to be omitted...
OP responded:
No reason except she wanted to? She has another bathroom across the hall? Why did she try to put everything back in the same place as if she hadn’t used the bathroom?
DolWantToKnow6417 wrote:
YES. Put a lock on your door. The only way she'll ever find out is if she tries to open it. Which in her own words, would be crossing a boundary...
If you don't give her permission she has no right to be in your room. NTA.
Crazy_Atmosphere53 wrote:
I don't understand why an almost 30 year old would want to go use her parents bathroom when she has her own. I'm sure it's probably a nicer bathroom but who cares. Lock your private part of your house and tell her not to use your bathroom. Even if she didn't move things around, I wouldn't want anyone using my bathroom.
A little over a week later, OP shared an update.
First, I wanted to thank everyone for their advice about whether I should lock the bedroom door when I'm away. I did read the comments and some of you asked a few questions.
So here are those answers: no, this is not my step-daughter's childhood home. Her father and I bought it when she was 18. Her father and I met two years after his first marriage ended in divorce. He and I have been together more than 20 years.
On with the update: I did talk with my husband before we went away. He agreed that it was completely reasonable to expect our bedroom and bathroom to be private and that the boundaries should be equal on all sides. I asked him to discuss it with my step-daughter and he did let her know that she shouldn't go into our bed and bath without permission.
Nevertheless, I did listen to everyone here who said to lock the door when we left for the trip. My step-son was ending a vacation with his step-father's family and starting a week with us but his arrival date was on Saturday evening before we returned. I always take the time to set up everything for my guests.
That includes leaving clean towels specifically for them. I placed a couple body and hand towels on the guest bed. The bedding is dark blue and the towels were white so they would be obvious. Also my stepson takes a shower every single day, usually in the late afternoon--it's important to remember this and that he arrived Saturday.
On Monday morning, my husband asked if I had locked our bedroom door. I said that I did lock it and asked why. He said that my step-daughter had been looking for towels to give to our step-son. So I simply replied that I had left towels on the guest bed for him. My husband softly said, "Oh."
I am letting my husband handle the issue of her trying to enter our room without permission and that step-daughter made up an excuse to justify that. I will always lock the bedroom door when we're away as long as SD is living with us.
The internet was invested in the update.
Mcindy28 wrote:
NTA she wants you to respect her space in your house but doesn't want to respect yours. That's a problem for your husband to handle or a family meeting.
OP responded:
I’m happy to let him be the bad guy.
HappyHousePlant02 wrote:
I don't know what the step-daughters situation is as to why she had to move in with you, but it sounds like it'd be better if she moved back out since she has no respect for boundaries. Plus she's a full grown adult.
OP responded:
She has a high school diploma (the story goes deeper) and doesn’t earn a lot of money. She’s had trouble keeping jobs and also has problems keeping friends. Bio mom refused to cooperate with diagnosis and treatment during childhood so here we are.
anonomoo responded:
Honey, she is almost 30. Her choices are HER choices. I was a slow to launch adult…and it wasn’t until I was FORCED to stand for myself that I actually did. It’s sink or swim time.
OP responded:
That’s fair. She finally says she’s going to get diagnosed but we’ll see.
avidlearnerbot wrote:
NTA, it's crucial to set boundaries right from the start, maybe next time, just lock up before leaving for work too?
OP responded:
Yep, this is my plan. Date night? Door locked. Grocery run? Door locked. Lunch with in-laws? Door locked.
[deleted] wrote:
Anyone else get the feeling that she used those towels for herself and then found the door locked when she went to replace them...?
OP responded:
Honestly didn’t consider that. But you know, she had to walk past the washer and dryer to reach our room. If that’s what happened, she could have thrown all of the towels into the washer.