"AITA for making my daughter's boyfriend buy a new shirt?"
Ok, can you please settle a mild dispute for my family!
The 23rd of December, my daughter's (19), BF (19), came for dinner. We had a dinner then, because he's going away with his family for Christmas. He arrived, rang the bell, and I answered the door.
He came in, took off his jacket, and that's when I saw IT! He was wearing a t-shirt that said, "It's not gonna s%$k itself". I took one look at that shirt and asked him if he had any money. He said no, and asked why? I told him that the shirt showed a marked lack of respect for both my daughter and my wife.
I pulled 2 twenties out of my wallet, and quietly ushered him back out the door, and towards the Walmart 3 miles away, and told him to buy a more respectful shirt, and come back with it on. Mind you, this whole exchange took place between him and I, without an audience. He was gone for 15 minutes, came back with a nice polo shirt on.
We had a nice dinner together, and nothing was mentioned of the incident. The next day, my daughter came to me and he mother, and told us what I did, humiliated him. They aren't in breakup territory or anything, and no yelling or anything of the sort went on. My wife did tell me I could have handled it different. So, am I wrong for handling it this way, and, if so, how could I have handled it?
Small edit: I'm 57, and a long haul truck driver, so I've had my share of bad moments. Most of us guys here can remember stupid things that we did as a teen, even into our 20's. The ones that stand out for me, are the ones where someone didn't react with anger, or malice.
They were the ones that someone reacted with constructive kindness, one where a quiet redemption was offered, where a mirror was quietly held up to my behavior. Those are the ones I learned from, and appreciated the most. Hopefully, he comes out the other side with a new appreciation for kindness offered quietly, and without fanfare. Just my thoughts.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
You were very classy about it and even gave him the opportunity to get a new shirt instead of just going home and changing. NTA.
NTA. I think you handled it well. He was an idiot to think that shirt would go over well with his gf's family and is lucky you didn't give him more grief for it.
NTA If people don’t call each other out for stuff like this, how will it ever change. I’m proud of you
freudsdriver OP:
This! Thank you!
NTA. But did you have a conversation after about? It’s clearly not your obligation. But it seems he doesn’t have practical sense. Maybe some guidance would help. And a chat with your kid. So awkward. I’m sorry.
We've had a couple. I'm saving this thread to show her and my wife.
NTA. I would love to know how your wife would like you to have handled it. I can’t imagine anything better than the way you handled it.
Kudos to you for a gentle response and showing him how to respect ladies regardless of age. Also giving him a chance to save face and show some dignity at a family holiday gathering.
freudsdriver OP:
Actually, my wife is reading these comments as they come in, and has wholeheartedly changed her opinion...lmao! Our daughter is a very introverted young lady, and wears her feelings on her sleeve. This is her first relationship, and my wife is very protective of her feelings, as am I.
My wife kinda smothered her growing up, because we almost lost her the summer before kindergarten. Since then, she's had related health issues. However, my wife realizes that the t was inappropriate, as has admitted that she can't think of a better way of handling it!
You could have bent him in half and proved the shirt wrong.
freudsdriver OP:
I actually laughed out loud!!
I feel like if you beet him up and kicked him out I'd say that's fair and NTA... Why'd you pay him that much... Jeez he probably pocketed $20.
freudsdriver OP:
He spent $18, brought me both the receipt and change. So, he isn't completely lost yet.
ESH. Why not just take him up to your closet and tell him to pick something out to wear over it instead? You could have handled it far more discretely than you did. You basically turned him away at the door, asked him a question about his available money, and put all the labor on him.
YES. The shirt was inappropriate and he's an idiot for thinking he could get away with that. But he was already there and you weren't telling him he wasn't allowed.
freudsdriver OP:
You're certainly entitled to your opinion, thanks for expressing it, and giving me an alternative. I didn't have a lot of time to ponder the situation, and I maintain that I feel that I handled it appropriately.
Later OP came back with this update:
SMALL UPDATE: After reading these comments, and listening to everyone's point of view, I sat my daughter down this morning, and asked what her BF actually said to her. This changes my opinion of him.
Apparently, he'd not told my daughter what the phrase was on the shirt said, but did tell her, accurately, what I said to him, and asked him to do. HE didn't use the word, "humiliated", that was DD's interpretation. Her rush to defend him, came from our examples.
Apparently she's took note of times I've defended my wife, and vice versa. She also took note of our disagreements in private, after the fact. She is going to talk to him when he gets back tomorrow, to follow up on why he thought the shirt was appropriate for the family setting. I'll update again after that conversation.