To give a bit of context before I start with explaining what happened. My family consists of me (M20), my sister (F24), and my mom and dad. We moved countries when I was 10-years old due to a few legal issues my dad got in, and have lived in the country we are now in ever since.
To cut a long story short, my mom became emotionally ab-sive to me and my sister, which left me with a lot of issues and a warped perspective on dating, marriage, and having children. That brings us to what happened yesterday.
It was my grandma's birthday, and they had come to visit us for it (grandma and grandpa). Things had been going fine so far, until the topic of what I wanted to do after University came up. I shared my plans of wanting to move to another country and then maybe settling down there or keep moving. That made my grandma ask me about kids, and why I had never dated before.
I explained to her my reasons, and she seemed to understand it (or so I thought). Later on, when everyone had a bit to drink, the topic came up again but with them first focusing on my sister, before it shifted back to me. My grandma asked me, again, whether I was sure I didn't want kids, and I confirmed to her that I didn't.
She then went on this sort of rant of how as a man I had to have kids, and I couldn't just play video games all my life (I study game development and have made a few games already which did quite well on Steam). I was getting slowly uncomfortable and tried to change topics, but she didn't stop.
It eventually got to a point where she called me dramatic, and said I was overreacting and to man up, and how, yes, my mom and dad did have issues, but they still did a good job raising us and deserved grandkids. At this point, I kind of lost it and I told her that me even talking to my parents right now and not planning on cutting them off after I left was already me giving them more then they deserved.
And that if she wanted grandkids she should've raised her daughter (my mom) better (from what my mom had told me, my grandma and grandpa had also been pretty sh--ty parents). I then left to go upstairs and only heard them arguing downstairs.
It eventually died down and my grandma and grandpa went back to their hotel, and later on my sister called me to inform me that my grandma had started crying after I had left, and my parents were partially blaming me for it now and wanted me to apologize, but they had called her cause they knew she and I had a really close bond.
My sister agreed that I was in the right after my grandma had been so insanely pushy about this topic, when I had made it clear it made me uncomfortable, but I am not sure whether what I said and did was the correct thing to do.
So, I wanted to come on here and ask people with no bias whether you all think I overreacted and shouldn't have made my grandma cry, or whether I was in the right to set my boundaries straight.
DinaFelice wrote:
She asked a question. You answered it. She asked it in a pushier way. You answered again. She began repeatedly insulting your life choices. You still attempted to politely change topics.
At this point, she had more than forfeited the right to receive polite or honest answers from you: people who refuse to accept "no" for an answer are AHs and are not entitled to the niceties of polite conversation
And yet, it took her making the brazen and AH-ish claim that you somehow "owed" something to the people who were ab-sive towards you for you to respond harshly to her..and even then, you were simply honest with her.
NTA. You were well within your rights to shut down her AH-ish remarks in any way you could. (And it should go without saying, but your parents are clearly acting in a self-serving and AH-ish manner by blaming you for your grandmother's inappropriate behavior)
Also, it always strikes me as bizarre for people to choose to insult others by implying that they are childish/immature while simultaneously demanding that they take on the very adult responsibility of parenting children.
silentjudge_ wrote:
NTA. Old age gives people priority over public seats, not over your life decisions. What you do, what you will do and how you feel belong to you and you only.
Your sister is right, grandma was pushing hard and would not let go until hit back on her own terms.
Leather_Persimmon489 wrote:
NTA. There's nothing wrong with crying. I cry a lot, no one is responsible for that and no one should change anything because of that. They even say it's healthy to let everything out, though I dunno.
OK, she wants you to have kids, you don't want to have kids, she cried due to the conflict, it's over. There's nothing to apologize for, except for your parents trying to make this into a problem that you need to deal with. It's not a problem.
Girlnextdoor4183 wrote:
Definitely NTA I’ve had this same conversation with several people in my life and a lot hate me since having my surgery. I have no regrets and you should stick to what makes you happy.
No-Mathematician8692 wrote:
NTA. Tell her to adopt and care for any f---in huge--s responsibility she wants. Amazing how some are SO entitled they think ruining someone else's life (yes, that's what having children does, whether you want to admit it or not) is OK as long as they get pretty pictures and 'memories' about it.
Also bad grandparents LOVE spoiling kids, breaking parents' rules, giving them sh-te snacks and mobile time to endear themselves and make the parents insecure. They think that's how life should be lived.
SO happy you put her in her place.