Hey guys! So I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he's absolutely wonderful. We're both in college and we live together with a couple other roommates. The place is my boyfriend's mom's vacation house and we all pitch in for rent. Every week my boyfriend's mom stops by.
I work at a restaurant so I always get free chips and salsa to take home. My boyfriend loves spicy things so I always grab him spicy salsa and I'll grab myself regular as I can't handle spice.
Now here's where it gets weird...I've been coming home and go to grab my salsa and I notice that all of the salsa has been put into one container. This has been happening for MONTHS and results in me being unable to eat it. After asking everyone in the house including my boyfriend "who's been doing this," everyone was in denial about it.
Just a couple weeks ago I decided to get a security camera to see who's been messing with me and my salsa. Guess who is on the camera mixing the salsas together? HIS MOTHER. So she's been showing up while everyone is gone, looking through our fridge and pulling out all sorts of items and going into our cabinet and getting a bigger container and putting the salsa together. I was not okay.
For the longest time I've been thinking it was my boyfriend messing with me, needless to say after accusing him for a long time, this led to a huge argument about how weird his mother is for coming into our space and messing with our stuff.
She does this every time she comes over and I've had enough. So I told my boyfriend to figure out why she's doing this. He calls her and she says she's making space in our fridge, and she is not going to stop. So I'm now sitting here with all of my stuff packed and ready to get the heck out of here but my boyfriend says I'm being an a about all of this. Guys, please tell me if I'm the a here.
Edymnion said:
NTA. I was honestly going to say you were right up until the end where the mom goes "I'm doing it and I'm not going to stop." Bottom line, if she is like this now, she will be like this forever, and it doesn't look like the boyfriend is in any mind to try and make her stop.
So it boils down to "Can you live with your potential future mother-in-law doing this kind of thing to you for the rest of your life?" If the answer is no, there's no reason to stick around. Break up, move out, find a relationship that you can live in, because it sounds like this one sure ain't it!
NectarineAny4897 said:
Let’s get it straight: this is NOT about salsa. You do not have a MIL problem, you have a boyfriend problem. M, mid 50’s here. Married for many years, almost 20. Early into our marriage, my parents stayed with us for a weekend. While my spouse and I were away, my mother took it on herself to rearrange our silverware drawer AND its location in OUR kitchen. In the home we (spouse and I) owned.
I saw it for the personal space violation that it was, and my parents never stayed with us again. My mother decided to fa, and she fo. You have a boyfriend problem, because HE can’t set boundaries with his mother.
manimsoblack said:
NTA - She's literally trying to drive you away. If you actually want to put time into a solution that involves saving the relationship I think your best bet is to tell him you guys have to either find another place to stay that his mom won't have free range over or get a lease signed specifically stating when the landlord can enter the premises.
You'll have the law to fall back on and then you don't have to rely on him suddenly learning to stand up to his mom and enforcing boundaries. That's a big step for some people especially if she's always been so domineering.
The fact that you're living in her home (I'm assuming without a proper lease) means that she can come and go as she pleases. If you're not willing to do that or he's not with either plan/proper boundaries, get the eff out because the relationship is doomed.
starry_nite99 said:
NTA. It’s not about the salsa. You pay rent. You are a tenant. His mom is tampering with her tenants food. I would be curious if she is throwing any food out, or mixing any other food. Does she clean the house too? Do his laundry?
You have a bigger problem though. Your boyfriend doesn’t care that his mommy is doing this. He is totally fine with her clingy creepy behavior. If she wants to come and go as she pleases, and make sure her house is intact on a weekly basis, then she shouldn’t rent out her vacation home.
NoSalamander7749 said:
NTA. This is not about salsa, this is about you not being able to trust your landlord, who likely is not able to do what she's doing legally. You need a place where you can know your stuff is safe. That's it.
comebakqueen said:
NTA. Even if you don't pay market rent, you pay rent and she can't just come in and mess around with your stuff; it might even be considered illegal in some countries.
In your situation I'd be feeling EXACTLY the same if my boundaries were getting violated and want the same thing. I think it's important to note that it's not just his mother violating boundaries, but your boyfriend too. This is a taste of things to come; if he won't stand up for you now, will he ever?
I've read enough posts to know that most women who overlook the small red flags (yes, it IS just salsa now) ultimately find themselves married to a gigantic mamma's boy who never enforces healthy boundaries and ultimately ends up miserable with monster-in-laws.
The issue might have started over something seemingly trivial but your boyfriend needs to understand that it's about the bigger picture and lack of respect.