"AITA for never telling my mother I married into money?"
Far-Librarian-4999
I (34F) have a difficult relationship with my Mother, she had me when she was 17 and had a problem various substances when I was growing up. She'd leave me with whoever would watch me for days on end and i'd end up mostly raising myself.
I left home at 16 and couch surfed with various friends until I was able to get my own place.
At 25 I met my now Husband and we got married three years later.
His family is the polar opposite of mine and are incredible, so loving and warm, I honestly consider his parents mine and call them Mum and Dad. They also happen to be quite well off but that isn't something I care about, I mention it because it matters to the story.
Last year my Mother reached out to me after a decade of not speaking to her wanting to reconnect and introduce me to my little sister who was 2 years old, I was confused as I hadn't even known she'd been pregnant, but it seems she'd been a change of life baby.
I thought maybe she'd turned over a new leaf and if not I wanted to make sure the kid was ok. At first it seemed like things had changed and she was trying. This illusion lasted for the first few visits over six months. Then, she broke down and told me she couldn't do this and asked me to take my sister.
My husband and I had a long talk about it, we'd been struggling with fertility and had been considering adoption anyway. We told her if we were doing this we were doing it right, and we had his families lawyer ensure it was a legal adoption and airtight which took several months, My in-laws adore her and consider her their Granddaughter. They've even set up a trust-fund for her.
We have allowed My Mother one supervised visit per month so she's not totally cut off from my sister but it was during these visits things went badly as she saw how she was dressed and the toys she had, and realized they were expensive.
She began to rip into us for hiding the fact we have money and how if we'd just given her money she'd have not given us my sister as she could have taken care of her better.
I told her while we have some money its mostly my husbands parents money not ours so she had no right to know about it, also that I wouldn't have given her money anyway as I didn't trust her. She broke down calling me a selfish b-word who'd never considered how hard things were for her.
I now feel some guilt, my Husband has told me if I want to make me feel better he'll give her money but that seems like a bad idea as she'd likely use it badly or blow through it then expect more.
Despite this though I do feel bad, maybe I should have tried to help her more now my luck is better, or maybe I should have been honest with her. AITA for keeping this from her?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Dependent-Aside-9750
NTA. If hubby wants to pay for something, it can be a treatment program for Mom to get the help she needs, but you are mist definitely NOT the ahole. Mom is trying to manipulate.
The OP responded here:
Far-Librarian-4999
I tried many times to try to get her to get clean over the years before I cut off contact, she had no interest and I don't think that has changed at all if I thought that she'd even consider it i'd be having him do that if he truly wants to spend money on her.
PKripper73
Don't give her a Penny, she'll come back for more, and you know she will deep down.
The OP again responded:
Far-Librarian-4999
Yeah I do, I want to help her despite how she was with me growing up but I know that's not the right way to go about it, just this has brought up a lot of old feelings I thought long gone and guilt.
Ariesinnc3017
NTA. And now just stop it. You are dealing with an addict. Whose reaction isn’t my daughter is safe and being raised in a healthy environment. But is saying you could have given me money and helped me.
She realized she misplayed her hand with you. She reached out to you to pawn off her responsibilities to her child Not to reconnect. She was going to do it if you had money or not.
She got off the gravy train too early and regrets it. Focus on your family and happiness. She’ll bleed you dry! I’m sorry and hope I’m wrong. But I’ve seen and lived this.
CrewelSummer
NTA. Honestly, one of the worst things you can do for a person with a history of addiction is give them money. Especially if there's a chance they are not clean/sober.
If they're still using in any capacity, that money is going to substances. And if they suddenly have the ability to indulge in more substances than they can normally, there's a sizable risk this could cause them to OD.
And once those substances are gone, they'll be back asking for more money to buy more. And they'll escalate. Because you caved once, so surely you'll cave again if they just put enough pressure on you.
Best thing you can do is draw a firm boundary and say no. If you want to offer her help, do not offer it in the form of money or anything she can sell. Offer it in the form of getting her financial counseling, access to job training or education, etc. Things that will help her get herself to a better place, but that cannot be used to feed an addiction.