'AITA for not agreeing to doing a custody split in my dad's divorce?'
"AITA for not agreeing to doing a custody split in my dad's divorce?"
I (17m) just turned 17 and my dad is in the middle of his divorce. His ex wants me to go to her 50% of the time like my younger half siblings from their marriage are. But my dad's ex is not my mom and I don't want to have any kind of custody time with her.
I'm happy their marriage is ending. Happier than I've been since they got married. She's being really forceful about this and I heard her yell down the phone when she was talking to dad the other night which is why I ask.
My mom died when I was 5 and in part that's why I never liked my dad's ex. I met her when I was 6. She came over one day while I was home, she got uncomfortable seeing photos of my mom or us as a family and either hid them or put them down so she wouldn't have to see.
Then she was talking about how excited she was to be in my life. When she and my dad got engaged, she started to get agitated that I didn't want to be in the wedding and I was still talking about mom.
She'd ask me why I had to talk about my mom and why I couldn't be happy with the mom I had right there. She told me often that she loved me and wanted me to say it back.
But I never did. My dad was really weak about standing up for me or making her back off. My relationship with him get worse because of this. But I never had a good relationship with her.
I hated her for being so upset about my mom. Her jealousy made me want nothing to do with her. I never gave her the love and affection she basically begged me for. She and my dad had five kids together while they were married and each time she'd act like my half siblings would be the reason I would finally start to love her.
The only time my dad was good was when he'd talk about mom with me or share a story about her but he did it when his ex wouldn't hear. But he'd also tell me she felt insecure and I clung so tightly to mom that it made her feel like she had no place in our family.
I do think she loves me. I just think she doesn't love me in a healthy way. It's more selfish. Something I learned to accept in therapy. That she can love me, like really love me, but it still could be unhealthy.
When my dad and her announced they were getting divorced, I was really happy. My dad had already made a stand for me and he told her we were going to celebrate my mom's birthday together, just him and me. I think that was the final straw in their marriage.
But even after everything she still wants me around. While I don't want her in my life. Even though she's the mother of my half siblings, I don't want to see her much. If I could never see her again it would make me happy even though I'm more indifferent now.
But she's really pushing for this and my dad has asked me to consider it. To think about all the years she tried even if it wasn't great. I told him not to go back to putting her before me. After I heard her yelling at dad she asked me how I could be so ungrateful. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Comfortable-Sea-2454
NTA. Way overstepped here. This is fully on your dad, he should have put his foot down. He should have done this from the very beginning. He failed you from age 7 to 17, IMHO.
Personal-Birthday791 (OP)
He did. But I'll take what I can get now because at least she's out of my life.
Fit_Lengthiness_396
I think this is key. Its your life - and you have agency and choice. No one gets to bully you about this. This sounds like a healthy outcome for all concerned.
InsideRationalA
I think you are NTA. I get that creating a healthy blended family could be very challenging, but I heard that most common mistake could be that when 2 marriage partners decided how to make it.
They often forgot that there are actually 3rd party here, whose opinion is important: children or a child. Forcing or guilt tripping a child/children to have a certain relationship with a new family member usually follow with a massive fallout.
Personal-Birthday791 (OP)
That's really true. My dad and his ex didn't think about what I wanted. On some level maybe they were thinking about what they thought I needed but the reality is they were focusing more on what they wanted than on me.
Waskomsause
NTA - You're 17, she has NO say if where you go, most places have the age set at around 13-15 for kids to decide if they stay with one parent or the other.
Comfortable-Bug1737
She just wants you to watch the kids when you're at her house. Don't ever see her again.
Powerful-Broccoli804
NTA. This sounds really rough and I'm sorry. You sound really mature and its great that you are able to have the perspective that someone can love you and that it isn't healthy.
You clearly have a lot of empathy for others around you. But your 17 man!! Your not meant to be responsible for another human beings well being until your balding and decide to have kids.
Its absolutely ok, and even healthy to put your own needs first. I would get in touch with your therapist and talk it through with them as well. It could help to have an expert with a fresh pair of eyes who has your back in this.