Adoptive dad shunned for refusing to attend daughter's wedding; 'she wanted me to walk her down the aisle.' AITA?
"AITA for not attending my 'daughter’s' wedding?"
aitaabsentwedding
6 years ago, my wife and I took in my 14 year old niece, Jane. We adopted her 2 years later then about 6 months after the adoption, my wife left with my kids with her (3, 1, 3 mo) and Jane while I was on a business trip.
They claimed I didn’t care about them unless it was to make me look good, always did what I wanted without any thought about how it would effect them, and never stopped my son (1 year older than Jane) from harassing them.
This is after I put Jane in a 50k/year private school, paid for tutors, put her on my health insurance, and paid for her treatments when insurance didn’t want to cover it (about 20k total) and let my wife quit her job so she could get her phd. I had also bought both of them new cars that year.
Jane stayed in contact but we only talk once or twice a month and she only sees me in person every month in a public place, usually with her boyfriend present. I still give her a monthly allowance so she doesn’t have to work full time while in school and I had a college fund set up that’s paying for her school.
3 months ago Jane met up with me, told me she was marrying her boyfriend, and asked me to walk her down the aisle. I offered her money for the wedding but she declined, saying her mom and her family and her fiancé’s family were already paying.
I offered to help them with money and she flat out told me all she wanted me to do was show up and walk her down the aisle. She did not want me involved in anything else.
I agreed at the time but after thinking about it, I realized I was only there for show and that if she wants to say I’m selfish and don’t care about her, I won’t go to the wedding.
Then an opportunity came up for me to go on a cruise on the week of the wedding. I went on the cruise and had my phone on airplane mode so Jane and her mom couldn’t contact me.
When I got back, I got dozens of messages from my family (who Jane hasn’t even contacted in years after her mom cursed them out for “favoritism”) about how rude and disgusting it was of me to skip Jane’s wedding with no notice and for “making myself the center of attention at her wedding”.
I don't know how I could’ve been the center of attention when I wasn’t there but they still seem to think that I was wrong so I wanted to know AITA for not playing happy family at her wedding?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
EmpressJainaSolo
YTA. Your whole post is centered around money. Your first paragraph lists all the things you paid for your adopted daughter. How do any of those things connect to her accusation that your oldest son was harassing her?
After your wife left, what steps did you take to be in your children’s lives? Not what did you pay for, but what were you there for? How did you typically show love and affection for your kids outside of writing a check?
Financial support is absolutely a form of showing love but when it’s the only form you run the risk of reducing your relationship with your children to a pay check. All your daughter asked of you was for your time. For one day, all she wanted was for you to put down your wallet and actually be there with her.
You can’t say you want them to see you as more than a checkbook when the second they ask for something different you throw it in their faces. You are the one who sees your relationship as a transaction. Not your children.
NotCreativeAtAll16
YTA. You didn't even tell her you weren't going to be there. That's cold, man.
4games1
OMG!!! YTA. Most Dad's would be delighted if ask to perform this service for a daughter. Most would also be delighted that they were not being treated like a piggy bank. Just invited for themselves. You need therapy. You have issues that don't fit into standard molds.
moongirl12
YTA. Not showing up and not responding was a huge asshole move. That’s something you do to your worst enemy.
FriesWithShakeBooty
There's some missing reasons going on in this post. YTA I'm especially concerned with the accusation that you didn't stop your son from harassing them, coupled with the fact that Jane would only meet you in public places with her boyfriend present.
Careless-Ability-748
Yta for agreeing and then just ghosting her. You could have said you weren't coming. Your attitude sucks and clearly there's more to the story than you included. You seem to think paying for things and buying people off is the way to have a relationship. Otherwise why mention paying tuition and buying cars?
simplylisa
YTA It sounds like you're idea of being a good parent/partner is to throw money at them. No showing at the wedding was incredibly hurtful and mean. Walking her down the aisle is an honor. She could have asked anyone else.
Imightbemarzipan
YTA -It sounds like they were right about you from the start. You were only interested in being involved if you could say you bankrolled it, not in the place of honor your daughter gave you despite you clearly not deserving it. You could've declined it if you weren't interested - instead you chose the shittiest way possible to handle it.
ironchef8000
You thought you could use money as a substitute for compassion and communication. You are quite obviously the AH. Pulling that wedding stunt was your cruel cherry on top of a sundae of uncaring behavior. YTA.