'AITA for not attending my daughter's wedding?' 'I've had to call the police.'

"AITA for not attending my daughter's wedding?"

Backstory, daughter (26f) ended up with her fiancé (27m) due to an unplanned pregnancy after a very short time dating. The guy was a jerk and they were not "together" the entire pregnancy-he dumped her when she told him about the pregnancy.

His mother demanded in-utero DNA testing, relentlessly, to the point I (46f), mom, had to step in after there was so much stress that daughter landed in the hospital with dangerously high blood pressure. His mother doesn't "like" me to this day.

Fast forward 2.5 years, they're 3 hours from me, they're getting married. He's abusive-I've had to call the police to their home from 3 hours away. He's a cheater. He's isolated my daughter from all her friends and family. He's gotten very comfortable screaming at my daughter in front of others.

He's the typical mid 20's stoner loser that was playing video games, living at his momma's, until a child came along. Misses work because he stays up late playing video games. Quits jobs.

Spends his money so she has to struggle to pay for everything. He bought a boat while they were struggling to keep the lights on and I was putting food in the house. He has told people she's a SAHM and she's lazy because the house isn't clean enough and dinner is always late.

No, she's a remote worker that works a full time job WHILE raising a toddler at home. He gets home from work an hour before she is off the clock. If he misses work, she still has to chase the toddler all day while she's working. He expects her to clean the house on her work breaks so there "isn't a mess when he gets home." You get the idea...

The wedding is on his family's property-so not a neutral location. It will be mostly his family attending due to the distance and his family is huge. I don't want to go. I don't support this marriage. I know I'll probably have to suck it up and go support her, but dang I don't want to.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Fair_Custard_9179 said:

Soft YTA. Your daughter is isolated and vulnerable. She has no close support and he's made her feel as if she has no one else to turn to. If no one shows up for her, it reinforces that belief.

Personally, I'd gather as many family and friends as possible and make it a road trip. Show up for her en masse and show them that she has a strong support network that isn't going anywhere, and show her that she's not in this alone.

She needs your strength, not your judgement. Parents are suppose to make their child feel safe and loved, no matter what.

KingBretwald said:

You're not TA, but think about this. He's isolating her. If you don't go, you isolate her further. You don't have to go. But you might want to either go and find a time to tell her that you support HER and you're always there if she wants to come to you. Or find some other way to say the same thing.

wondering88888 said:

YWBTA for not attending. Why? Because your attending signifies that you support your daughter, not that you support the wedding. That's an important distinction. She needs to know you will be there for her no matter what. And, sadly, this marriage will likely not be good. Don't let this jerk win by isolating her from her mother. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. Do it for her.

GnomieOk4136 said:

Support your daughter and be present. Don't let him isolate her. Abusers do that. Let her know by your presence that you will always be there for her. NTA, but reconsider.

OkayDay21 said:

Yes YTA. She is making a horrible decision and you are objectively correct in your opinion BUT allowing her to become further isolated form her support system only makes it more likely that she will never leave him.

Go and support your daughter. Let her know your love is unconditional. Stop looking at it as approving of her partner and look at it as something you’re doing so she knows you will always be there for her. It might one day save her life.

longhandwrittenote said:

NTA. It's very difficult when someone you love is in a relationship with an abusive person. However, I think her partner might use your absence to further isolate your daughter and convince her that you hate her.

I think that not attending your daughter's wedding will ultimately not benefit her. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I know it's very difficult.