'AITA for not being sad after my daughter passed away?'
"AITA for not being sad after my daughter passed away?"
Most-Function3857
I (M26) had a 3-month-old daughter with my ex-girlfriend. Tragically, she passed away a few weeks ago due to complications from SIDS. I know this is supposed to be the worst thing a parent can go through, but... I don’t feel sad. I thought I would, but I don’t. And now everyone around me is acting like I should be grieving harder than I am.
To be honest, I never really wanted a child. When my ex told me she was pregnant, I was conflicted. I didn’t feel ready to be a dad, and I even thought about suggesting other options, but once she made up her mind to keep the baby, I stepped up. I didn’t want to abandon my responsibility, so I did my best to be there for her and our daughter. But even after she was born, I didn’t feel that deep fatherly bond people talk about.
My ex-girlfriend is a wreck, understandably. We weren't together when our daughter was born, and our relationship was already strained, but we tried to co-parent. I did everything I was supposed to—visited regularly, helped out financially, and tried to be a good dad—but that emotional connection never really clicked for me.
The thing is, I’ve never been an emotional person. Growing up, I didn’t cry at funerals, and I never got too worked up over anything. Even when other difficult things happened in my life, I just handled them and moved on. So the fact that I don’t feel devastated right now doesn’t surprise me, but it seems to bother everyone else.
Friends and family keep calling and checking in on me, acting like I’m some fragile person about to break, but honestly, I'm fine. I know that sounds heartless. I feel more awkward than anything when they keep asking how I’m holding up. I didn’t even cry at the funeral, and I could tell people were side-eyeing me for it. I’ve even had a few friends directly ask me if I’m bottling things up and need to talk, but there’s nothing to talk about.
I feel guilty that I don’t feel more, but I also don’t think I should force myself to grieve in a way that feels fake. Am I the asshole for not being sad like everyone expects me to be?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
TraditionalManager82
Well, honestly it sounds like you might benefit from working through why you aren't feeling grief about various events in your life. It's important and healthy to be able to form emotional connections, and if you struggle with that it's best to get it addressed sooner rather than later.
Additional_Cherry_51
OP, emotions come differently for everyone. You could be making lunch one day and you'll start crying. Just be there for your ex if you can. There shouldn't be a rush or expectation that you feel a certain way. We all process in our own way. Sorry for your loss, however.
2bERRYoPERA
A psychologist might call this "dissociation". My parents died suddenly in a fire, when I was 17. I didn't cry at the funeral. I didn't cry at the burial, and my psychologist said, when we discussed it that I was in shock, and the trauma disconnected me from reality. It goes away.
Many people may experience dissociation (dissociate) during their life. If you dissociate, you may feel disconnected from yourself and the world around you. For example, you may feel detached from your body or feel as though the world around you is unreal. Remember, everyone’s experience of dissociation is different.
Dissociation is one way the mind copes with too much stress, such as during a traumatic event. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)
lovebeinganasshole
If people can’t keep their comments to themselves just tell them that grieving isn’t a performance to be judged and you’ll grieve however you please. It’s really none of their business. Showing anger is still an emotion that may get them to shut up.
exhaustedgoatmom
I don't think you're an asshole for not feeling sad. I can assume that you're sad in a way because an infant passed away. It is a sad situation and unfortunately SIDS is a very real thing. I am sorry for your loss, even if you're not grieving to the same level as people expect.
My best advice is to seek therapy. Especially your ex but you as well. Even just to talk. Sometimes shit can just hit you like a train out of nowhere and you never know. You could even learn if there is a deeper reason as to why you're not so emotional. You're ex definitely needs it for the loss and there is a good chance she'll either start or is already blaming herself.
petofthecentury
I mean. You didn’t want kids. This child wasn’t carried inside of YOU. And then you were only “visiting” for the time they were alive. Also it was a young baby so it wasn’t even like a 10mo old who’s babbling or walking or anything.
I know my statements sound insanely callous but all of these things added together on top of your individual personality trait of not being very emotional— I don’t think it’s unusual for you to feel indifference.
I would suggest, however, that you strongly consider getting a vasectomy. You don’t want kids, you have already had one kid with someone that wasn’t in a stable relationship with you. It won’t effect your sexual performance or any other part of your daily life. You might be better off taking “oopsies” off the table entirely.