'AITA for not being supportive of giving my MIL $4000 a year?' UPDATED

"AITA for not being supportive of giving my MIL $4000 a year?"

So my FIL just passed away recently. My husband and his siblings met with his mom to discuss finances - she has $40,000 to her name (is 76). They did the math and decided that she needs around $12,000 a year to help her with expenses- which the siblings are going to split. Well, except one, who is refusing to pay.

Therefore, we have to pay $4000 for her property tax and credit card bill. My husband never asked me if this was okay but rather told me it was happening. AITA for being furious about this?

In the moment I said nothing because his dad had literally just passed away days before. But I’m very frustrated. We have 2 young kids and another on the way. I’m a teacher. He makes good money but we still have a tight budget. Idk what to do at this point but I refuse to shell out $4000 to her when they were extremely irresponsible with their $. I worry what will happen if there is a huge expense that arises.

OP shared a small update/edit after posting.

EDIT: Sorry for the confusion. I’m upset because he committed to this without asking me. If he asked I wouldn’t have said no. I’m not thrilled with it, but know she needs help. The sibling who isn’t helping is the biggest AH and would expect equal inheritance. The townhome is fully paid off.

They are paying off the CC. I agree we need to sit down and I need to get more info. $4000 a year won’t make us homeless , but that’s a lot of money to commit to. We lived paycheck to paycheck for years and finally last year my husband made good money. So it’s very new to us to have a little extra money.

If she truly needs the help I’m happy to do it, but just wish I would have been apart of the discussion. That’s all. We also need a new car - I have driven the same car for 14 years and it won’t work with three kids - and this amount monthly is like a car payment too.

People had a lot to say in response.

alien_overlord_1001 wrote:

NTA. If you are sharing finances, he shouldn't be making decisions like this without your input. If you have separate money there probably isn't much you can do if its his money he is giving her. On the other hand, what goes around comes around - does he at least inherit a share of this property one day? That might pay it back and then some.

OP responded:

We share all finances.

I’m sure him and his siblings inherit the property, but it’s a very small townhome. I guess you are right that one day it could be paid back.

Ok_resident_318 wrote:

He shouldn't make financial decisions without you if you have shared income or he intends to pay it with some or your salary and not exclusively his.

It's only $80 a week, maybe you can find a compromise?

Hairy_Rambutan wrote:

This is one of those issues where the answer will depend very much on your culture, the way you and your husband have agreed to structure your finances and your own financial circumstances and values.

Consider things before deciding. What will happen to MIL if you and your husband don't pay? How will your husband feel about that, how will you feel about, how will it impact your relationship? If you do pay, how will that affect you and your relationship?

Only you can determine whether the consequences of your actions, whichever way you go, are acceptable to you.

NAH.

Maya-Green wrote:

NTA. It's understandable to want to help family, but your husband should've discussed this with you first. You’re a team, especially with kids and a tight budget, and big financial decisions need to be mutual.

Sensual-Tessa wrote:

NTA. Your husband had no right to make such a major financial decision without discussing it with you first. Four thousand dollars a year is a huge expense, especially when you are raising two kids, have another on the way, and are already dealing with student loan debt. This is not just about helping his mom; it is about ensuring your own family’s financial stability.

While it is understandable that he wants to support his mom during a difficult time, it is not fair for your household to take on such a burden without your input. Let us not forget that his parents made irresponsible financial choices in the past, like borrowing extra money from your husband’s student loans. You are still paying off that debt, which makes this even more frustrating.

On top of that, one sibling is refusing to contribute entirely, leaving you to pick up the slack. Why should your family be expected to cover more when you are already stretching your budget to make ends meet? This is not fair or reasonable, especially when you were not even consulted.

You have every right to be upset. Your husband needs to understand that these kinds of decisions affect both of you and must be made as a team. You are not wrong for prioritizing your own family’s needs and refusing to take on someone else’s financial mistakes without being part of the conversation.

Deep_Interview_3337 wrote:

Well, to give you some perspective, my husband agreed to live in an intergenerational home because my mom needs care, and it's easier for me to take care of her if I'm close to her. This was not his first choice, but I do appreciate the sacrifice. We also support his dad, who worked hard all his life but not in a field that paid well but he lives far. We help financially only since he is in great shape for 76!

For us, it doesn't really matter because we decided to take care of our parents. If it was your mom who needed help, would you want him to help out? I read a ton of stories on reddit of elderly getting scammed and being in trouble, what if you mom saved but this happened to her or what if you dad got sick and you needed to work less to help out? Would you want your husband to be supportive?

All I'm saying is that whatever you choose to do in this situation will set a standard.

Last April I had to take a leave with my work because of health issues. My husband handled everything.

He did not blame me. He did not talk to me about budget or my responsibilities. He was a team player and helped me get back on track. That's the standard we always had in our marriage. It's okay to be feeling the way you feel but I don't think you see the bigger picture. Ultimately he's not going to abandon his 76 years old mom. If the roles were reversed, would you say he's an AH?

Head-Attention-6008 wrote:

YTA. Not for being furious he didn’t discuss it, that’s perfectly legitimate. But unless you actually cannot afford it YTA for refusing to help support his mother. I wish you would consider things a little differently before you start the discussion with your husband.

Be grateful you aren’t married to the sibling who refuses to contribute. They either have no financial room to help OR they are pretty cold hearted. I’d much rather be married to a generous man who is open to helping family. This is a WIN.

Consider this is only a matter of days since your FIL died. Everyone is in shock, and probably not equipped to make the best long term decisions at this time. To me this plan sounds like a band aid, to gain some time. I would approach your husband, and the siblings through him, with the concept this is not a long term solution.

Who is going to take the lead in figuring out how to go forward? Everything should be considered. Like could it be cheaper to downsize? Is it even possible for MIL to work (or work more)? What is her health like? Would she be more comfortable in an independent living type apartment? Do any of the siblings have the capacity to have her live with them?

For sure formalize how the current arrangement for payments will be paid back through the sale of the townhome. Seek legal advice on how to do this. Seek estate planning/financial planning advice for the most economical ways to help your MIL.

My big concern is that $4K will only increase. I’d be looking at ways to reduce costs as well as just “cover” them indefinitely.

But keep in mind, this might not be as easy as just “she doesn’t need a whole townhome.”

When my father died my mom frequently would fret & say “I can’t afford to keep this house.” I finally had to bluntly tell her, mom this is the cheapest place you will ever live. The house has been paid off for 40 years and your property taxes were frozen 25 years ago.

Until you just can’t manage the upkeep or need assistance with your personal care, basically all you spend here is utilities and very manageable taxes. Depending on how costs are where MIL lives, she might be in a similar situation. I’m sure her townhome has appreciated but rents have skyrocketed some places, too.