'AITA for not caring about my partner's PTSD?'

"AITA for not caring about my partner's PTSD?"

I (30F) have been with my partner (34M) for 12 years. Not legally married but have the husband/wife lifestyle (own a home, pets, shared finances, close relationships with both sides of the family, etc.). No kids.

We've had some recent conflict in our relationship. We sat down and had a serious conversation about it. Our options were to split or work it out. We both decided we were gonna try to work it out.

I found myself getting frustrated throughout the conversation because while I was bringing up issues that were present (happening currently or within the last 2-3 weeks), he was bringing up really old stuff that doesn't really seem relevant.

For example, we had a crisis in our relationship back in 2015 where we "broke up" for about 2 months. I stayed with a friend and he stayed at the house, which I continued to help him pay for. We had a "joint custody" arrangement with our pets so we were in frequent contact during that time.

During our conversation he was talking about it and saying that some of the stuff I said and did during that time caused him PTSD.

He went into some detail about how it was traumatizing. To be fair, there were a lot of regretful things said and done at that time. But we decided to make it work and stay together. I feel like if it was really THAT BAD, he wouldn't have agreed to continue the relationship.

I guess I'm just annoyed by this because why is he JUST NOW telling me this? We talked about it before deciding to get back together but he didn't mention anything about trauma or PTSD.

He described it as being angry. All of his feelings he described were brand new. Why bring this up 9 years later? I could see if he was somehow connecting the dots to something happening right now but he didn't. Is he trying to deflect or be manipulative?

We ended up putting the conversation on pause but we both know we need to come back to it. AITA for not caring about this situation that happened so long ago and seems to have no relevance in our life today? Any tips on how to navigate this?

dolph writes:

Leaning toward NTA only because this is giving me the gut feeling of him using his "ptsd" to manipulate you. I don't know that for a fact, that's just the vibe your story is giving me.

I strongly recommend couples therapy asap since I doubt him going by himself would help or even happen. And remember the end goal of couples therapy is to do what is best for both parties and provide third party observations, not to keep you together no matter what.

crepa writes:

Well, first I’d ask him if he’s been diagnosed with ACTUAL PTSD or if he just is using that phrase to describe a tough time in his life. Lots of tough experiences (like breakups) are emotionally difficult.

That’s different from the traumatic life events that causes PTSD. I’m a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and I work with a lot of kids with PTSD and CPTSD from actual traumatic events. It is one of my pet peeves when people misuse the word “trauma” or say they have PTSD.

The other day my friend who “gentle parents” told me it caused “trauma” to make children share before the age of 5, which is why her daughter doesn’t ever have to share her toys and I laughed in her face.

aghapup writes:

Only you know how bad things got during that time. It either was really bad and seriously abusive and not equally toxic from both sides, or he's exaggerating a shitty experience and claiming PTSD to shut you up and gain control.

Not even shitty thing people experience equates to trauma. Most people will experience trauma of some kind in their life, but most won't develop PTSD.

If he's only bring up his "PTSD" to get out of accountability or show you understanding, it's like he doesn't have it.

Neither you or he can diagnose it yourself. But, the symptoms have to be severe enough they're impacting day to day things (work, relationships, etc).

For a diagnosis, someone needs to have at least; 1 avoidance symptoms (avoiding reminders), 1 reexperiencing symptom (eg nightmares, flashbacks), at least 2 arousal/reactivity symptoms, and at least 2 cognition/mood symptoms.

If he's never felt his "PTSD" has caused him suffering in his day to day, it's probably not PTSD.

But if he really thinks it is PTSD, he needs to go get assessed and get treatment bc unmanaged PTSD can wreak absolute havoc on relationships (familial, romantic, platonic, etc). If you did give him PTSD, he isn't going to be able to heal and get thinf sunder control while still in a relationship with someone who abused him to the point he's developed PTSD.

I have a feeling his "PTSD" is a way to avoid accountability/manipulate situations, which people sometimes do even when they have it (most don't, but manipulative people can develop PTSD, too). Again, I could be wrong and only you know how bad things got.

Either way, you shouldn't be dating this person. You were either so abusive he developed PTSD and he'll never heal while staying with you, so you should leave and let him heal, or he's being emotional manipualtive/controlling... in which case you should leave for your own sake.

partik writes:

You are not the AH but your partner is. People who self diagnose these mental illnesses are all Aholes and it takes away from people who actually do have ptsd. I mean he could still have some bad feelings from that time but without a proper diagnosis he shouldn't be throwing around that he has ptsd.