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'AITA for not caring about my wife's affair? Our marriage has improved.'

'AITA for not caring about my wife's affair? Our marriage has improved.'


"AITA for not caring about my wife's affair?"

My (29M) wife (29F) has been having an affair for 2 years, and I have been aware of it pretty much the whole time. We've been together 7 years and married for 5. We don't have kids. I have been work from home for a few years now. For the last 3 plus years she has been a secretary in a large office building.

Now I'm not gonna pretend like we had the perfect marriage 2 years ago and that I can't believe she would do this. I was totally complacent in my life and really wasn't putting much effort into our relationship at all.

That doesn't excuse what she did, and she had her own issues with intimacy and communication that lead us to where we were then. I just want it clear I'm no saint in all of this. I totally understand we were basically roommates that on rare occasions had s#x.

Well I found out right away when the EA (emotional affair) started. I've got all of our everything logged into every device we have. Including my work computer. I mean synced email, text, photo, social media, etc. So I was basically reading her affair regularly, including went it became a PA (physical affair) about 4 weeks in.

The part that told me this was over though, was I felt nothing about this. I was totally indifferent, maybe a little embarrassed at worst. When the PA started 2 years ago I recognized this marriage was dead, and that I should just divorce, mostly because I felt nothing. I started looking into lawyers and figured we could just do this easy and amicably.

Well here's where the crazy part happens. When the EA started she seemed, I wouldn't say happy, but, less sad. Then the weekend after the PA started, I got the shock of my life. She came into my office that Saturday morning and asked me to take her on a hike and picnic.

Initially I thought this is the moment to burst her bubble and reveal what I know. But I didn't, I decided to actually get up and do this. I kind of thought she was gonna reveal it herself and ask for divorce. We had a real nice time, it was a great day, and she never brought up anything. I chalked it up as one more good memory before we end this thing.

Then she asked me out again that week. Then we had intimacy. I don't know if it was shame, or guilt, or what but she was basically taking the initiative to improve our marriage.

After that first week she began to open up more about her feelings. I for some reason had a fire lit under me, and started to make some effort in our relationship, started reconnecting with some old friends, got all the laundry off the gym equipment.

The affair continued, but as we spent more time together over those early weeks, and since it really gave me no concern and everything seemed better. I decided to just forget about it and divorcing her and just start enjoying my life. I do still love this woman very much.

Up until 2 days ago we were in a really solid place. We had outings every other weekend, date night Thursday, regular intimacy and communication. I don't even read their messages anymore, just occasionally to see if it's still going on.

Two days ago I noticed she was having frequent and long conversations with one of her close friends. I asked my wife about it and it turns out this friend's husband got caught having an affair. My wife has been comforting her. This would not have been a big deal but my wife then started bashing the husband for cheating.

I don't know why I said it but it came out, "You're one to judge." She got super defensive and pressing me for why I said that. I initially tried to apologize and move on but she wasn't letting up and I eventually spilled I've known about her affair the whole time. She tried to play dumb, which annoyed me, so I started citing specifics.

She then got really mad at me, started crying, accusing me of not caring about her. I got pissed then started yelling at her, because I'm not the one having an affair. It got heated we went to separate rooms and slept it off.

Yesterday, morning she got up extra early and went to work before I got up. I tuned back into their messages and she had broken up with AP. He's was messaging her constantly on every app and she just kept blocking him.

She came home early yesterday. I went to talk to her and she stopped me, looked at me and asked, "How I could let this go on?" I replied, "Because I just didn't care." She then called me a huge a^%$ole and locked herself in our bedroom until she left for work this morning. She got home tonight, said nothing to me, and locked herself in again.

I can't even imagine, in what bizarro world I could possibly be the asshole in this situation. Is there a perspective out there where I am? If so please share it with me, because in my mind there isn't.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Tighrannosaurus says:

The opposite of love isn't hate.. it's indifference.

pickyourteethup says:

Most affairs come from low self esteem. They need more validation than a relationship can give them. It's very immature seeking outside confirmation of your value rather than just working on yourself.

Natural_Ad_1717 says:

NTA. She wad the AH for having the affair. She's upset you didn't get crazy mad and confront her about it when you first found out. Makes her think you don't care about her at all. This is, dumb of course, since she was the one who valued you so little that she cheated.

But it still feels like you're the AH to her. I doubt she's going to try to do the whole "it's your fault I cheated" thing, but she's embarrassed that you just let it go on like it was no big deal. That'd a shot to the ego.

UnusualCapital9083 OP responded:

Yeah another commenter said something similar. I don't necessarily think she's trying to turn it around on me, I think shes upset that I don't care.

lllollllllllll says:

Also she must have known everything was synced on all your devices. It kind of seems like she wanted you to know about the affair. Was she doing it just to provoke you? Like did she have the affair to get you to notice her?

UnusualCapital9083 OP responded:

Lots have said that, it's a possibility. I know I wasn't present in our lives when it started so it may have just been to feel seen.

I don't know about the devices. She really just uses her phone, and I use my phone and the tablet and the computer. I could see her knowing "they are synced," but also not really thinking about "them being synced," if that makes sense. Kind of like how everyone knows milk goes bad, but don't realize it has gone bad until they take the lid off.

I don't want to divorce, I want to work out. I love her and our life as it is now.

I can't explain why I don't care. I didn't have an emotional reaction when it started and I still don't. I can't explain it just doesn't bother me, it also does not excite me, so don't think I'm like that either. It's just a neutral feeling.

lllollllllllll says:

I think she still loves you. I think your marriage really WAS revitalized by this, as you describe, for her just as much as it was for you.

Aloreiusdanen says:

Ok, so gonna take a different approach than others here. First you aren't the AH here. However, where I think you messed up was when she asked you "how could you let this go on"?

You should have said, "At first, I didn't care, I realized I lost you. However, after that day, you asked me for a picnic. How were things different between us, better? I made changes, and you made changes. I thought we were starting to fall back in love."

At least that I what I think you should have said by reading your post, that is the feeling I got. But instead of her acknowledging she f*&^%d up, she went on the defensive and of course you had every right to blow up and call her out for her BS.

Maybe try sitting her down and telling her what you told us here in your post. Can't say if it will fix or help, but maybe it can repair what appears by your post you were starting to both be happy again. Best of luck

UnusualCapital9083 OP replied:

Ugh, you've stung me a bit. I keep saying I don't care. Maybe that's what has her triggered. Because a few years ago it would be hard for me to find evidence I cared about anything.

Sources: Reddit
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