'AITA for not caring that my boyfriend’s parents can’t retire? They demand so much from him.'

"AITAH for not caring that my boyfriend’s parents can’t retire?"

My (26F) boyfriend (28M) and I live in a low cost of living city, both have good white collar jobs with decent salaries, and should be able to afford a nice life. My boyfriend is an immigrant and had worked very hard to get where he is now in his career, and yet he can’t reap any of the benefits.

My boyfriend’s parents are mid 50’s and apparently ready to retire. They live back in his home country where cost of living and taxes are pretty low, and are both college educated professionals who have worked steadily for over 25 years, receiving great salaries.

However, my boyfriend’s father has made some very poor real estate investments and financial choices over the past decade that have essentially decimated their retirement fund. My partner's parents are now asking that he send them money every month to finance their upcoming retirement. The amount they have demanded (and he has begun sending) is well over half his monthly paycheque.

He makes over $5,000 a month, with only $700 in rent and no car, and yet is barely getting by due to the money he has to send back home. Essentially, he is struggling and living paycheque to paycheque with no savings so they can have a comfortable early retirement.

Before his parents proposed (or, rather demanded) this arrangement, we were planning on buying a house, getting married, and starting a family in the next 2-3 years. Now, I have no idea how we can swing that. I work full time, but make less than my partner and can’t finance all of that on my own.

I love that my boyfriend cares so much about his family and is so generous, but this is absurdly selfish of his parents in my opinion. We had a discussion last night regarding our future, and he more or less said that this is the way it’s going to be and he will just have to “make more money.”

While I appreciate his drive, you can’t really just “make more money” overnight. It can take years to climb the corporate ladder to a significant level, and he doesn’t even have the money to start some kind of side gig.

I think this is partially due to our conflicting cultural values growing up in very different parts of the world, but I’m feeling really upset about this situation. I’m upset that his parents are choosing to watch their child struggle so they can live lavishly, and I’m upset that he is sacrificing or putting our future at risk due to his fathers poor investment choices. AITAH?

The commenters had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

Bargle-Nawdus-Zouss wrote:

This may be removed as it's related to relationship advice, so you may want to cross-post to AITAH. With that said, if you disagree that strongly with what your boyfriend is doing with his money, then I submit that the two of you are not compatible in a relationship. This financial support will likely go on for the next twenty to FORTY years.

Is that something you're willing to put up with, if not support with your own funds as well? If not, then this relationship doesn't have a future. You are NTA for not wanting to deal with this in your relationship. Best to end it now before you get married, have children, purchase a home together, and otherwise become further entwined.

CandylandCanada wrote:

NAH.

Sadly, there is no easy resolution to this impasse. You will have to decide whether you can live with always being second (or third) on his priority list. Good luck.

Spicy-Blue-Whale wrote:

NTA. Imagine being so entitled that you think you can retire in your mid-50s and your son will support you. Imagine thinking that your sunset years are more important that his early career.

ladyteruki wrote:

You and your boyfriend are NAH, however I think the parents are to blame for their attitude. Sure, there is a cultural component, but they're leaning on it instead of saying, look, we messed up at some point and as such, we should not rely on our son to retire this soon. They're in their mid-50s and already getting retirement money from your boyfriend?

I'm all for retiring early but given the circumstances, particularly since they're very likely not to have physically demanding jobs, they should push a bit longer instead of already demanding half a salary.

Supporting them when they are in a crisis: yes. Supporting them to improve their quality of life at the expense of getting your own family started: no. The amount sent to them before they even have retired should at least be up for discussion.

saintandvillain wrote:

NTA. Leave your boyfriend. If he makes more money they are going to ask for more. Let him burn himself out without sacrificing your future on him or his selfish parents. What happens if you have kids? What happens if you have an emergency? your boyfriend is willing to sacrifice his life…let him go.

rhinoregrets wrote:

NTA. I come from a culture and background where taking care of our parents is not a choice, we must do it. I'm an only child with a mom who is 50 but can't work anymore.

I'm only 24 but I've started taking care of her financially. She has no other kids or husband, the responsibility is on me. My then boyfriend (now husband) also has the same values so it wasn't an issue when I went to him and told him we're going to have to financially plan to take care of my mom.

The problem here is both of you aren't wrong, you just have different opinions. Its a difficult situation telling someone to pull back on helping their parents but it does sound like they may be taking advantage of him.

They should be trying to live independently for as long as they can to allow you and your boyfriend to plan for a future and life together rather than expecting him to help. Do they know how much of his paycheque he is giving them every month?

You are 100% in your right to feel uncomfortable and be disappointed but I'm not sure how stuck in his ways your boyfriend is and if any amount of conversation can help. Him telling you that you just have to deal with it would be enough for someone to leave and rightfully so.

You didn't sign up to live a harder life so your boyfriend can fund the lifestyle of his parents. Maybe this issue never came up before but it's here now and now it's up to both of you to find a compromise and common ground. Maybe tell him to send half of what he's sending now and when he does start making more money then he can send more.

If he doesn't seem to budge at all I would suggest maybe looking at the relationship and if this is something you can deal with forever. If he's going to always bend like this to meet the demands of his parents you cant know when or where it will end. He will need to find someone who is willing to work with that sort of lifestyle