'AITA for not communicating with my mom during my daughter’s medical procedure?'
"AITA for not communicating during my daughter’s procedure?"
So recently, my two-year-old had an endoscopy to diagnose possible celiac disease. That day, I had to travel to another town and I was highly stressed. What was supposed to be a 2-3 hour visit ended up closer to 5. I also have a pre-kindergarten child that I needed picked up. 2:00 hit and I was still an hour away. Luckily, my husband was able to take off work and go pick him up.
However, during all this, the only person I was texting updates to was my husband- her dad. I didn’t text anyone else. But my mom (her grandmother) is pissed at me that I was not communicating with her about what was going on. When I did finally land at home (5 pm), I text her a short update about it.
The next day, she comes over and accuses me of kidnapping my children from her. She told me she had been so upset and having a panic attack at work because I didn’t text her during the procedure or immediately after. That she was so upset and angry that she drank a whole bottle of wine and passed out drunk to sleep.
Let me add, I had stopped talking to her a couple days before because she made a political comment and it pissed me off.
AITA?
The internet had lots of thoughts.
SunshineSeriesB wrote:
Hold up. The non-custodial grandmother, who I'm guessing didn't bother to set up to help out as a back-up or pre-emptively offer to get the Pre-K from school, is mad that you didn't give her updates throughout the procedure even though I'm guessing she didn't send a note to check in?
And now is blaming you for her getting drunk? And from "kidnapping" children that she holds no custody of?? NTA. Why is any of this about HER? And not about your 2yo and you as the parent?
OP responded:
…my mom's best friend ended up coming over and having to watch my youngest (5 months) because she didn’t take off work…
And, no, no texts from her side either.
OliviaMrow wrote:
NTA. The time-critical needs of the people who rely on you directly-- your spouse and children --trumps any informational need of your mother's.
"Kidnapping" your own children "from her" is a ludicrous accusation.
Having a panic attack and drinking an entire bottle of wine in response to stress and blaming both of those things on the mother of the baby having surgery is absurd.
Your mother is trying to make herself the center of something that is decidedly not about her. I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist and I'm not diagnosing anything, but you might want to check out r/raisedbynarcissists - whether your mother fits the clinical definition or not, you might find some thoughts on dealing with people who act like this (or on extracting yourself from them).
Icy-You3075 wrote:
"Accuses me of kidnapping my children from her"
"That she was so upset and angry that she drank a whole bottle of wine and passed out drunk to sleep." Grandma should def not be left alone with the kids. Ever.
Second_Breakfast_2 wrote:
NTA.
She sounds like a hot mess. She should have been comforting You. Asking You if you needed anything. Would probably be best for your overall mental health to talk to her a whole lot less. You nor your kids need her negative "me me me" energy.
the_elephant_stan wrote:
NTA. You kept in touch with the only person who needed to know anything. Anyone else gets an update when you have the time. Grandmothers are weird with their grandkids. I hear a lot "my baby, my baby, my baby" from my mother and MIL.
gilly2878 wrote:
NTA. You have an alcoholic mother who centers the world around her, like what a narcissist would do. She does not have a right to minute by minute information. You are not kidnapping your children in any way. You may want to seriously consider the time they spend with her, as she sounds like the kind of person who would take off with the kids without contact just to show you “how it feels."
pikapikawoofwoof wrote:
"That she was so upset and angry that she drank a whole bottle of wine and passed out drunk to sleep."
That definitely seems like a HER problem 😕
Bluevanonthestreet wrote:
NTA. Your mom needs to get over herself. Introduce her to the circles of concern. She should dump all her feelings out not in. It’s exhausting trying to keep people updated when you have a medically complex child. We don’t even tell anyone about appointments or tests anymore. Sometimes we don’t even say anything about hospitalizations. I have no mental energy left for anyone else.
Matthew_birdsey wrote:
You are NTA...
The endoscopy takes hours to prep for...plus the waiting during...then after the procedure...it's exhausting (my daughter had one about a month ago). You are doing a great job!
You need to go no contact with your mom until she can behave.
I hope the test comes back quick and that your daughter is okay
Good luck!