'AITA for not consoling my bf because I make more money than him?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITAH for not consoling my bf because I make more money?"

I make a good deal of money (which I know people will say I'm TA already lol), but I live a very modest lifestyle. My monthly budget is 4k a month and most months I profit 30k. I'm self employed so sometimes it's more, sometimes it's less. Next month-- minor flex because I'm anon and I can-- it'll be around 80k pre-tax. Woohoo.

I have a boyfriend and we've been dating for five months. He's a good guy, but more "traditional" than I've ever dated before. He works as an assist manager in a farming shop paying 15 dollars an hour. We're both in our mid-thirties and live in the ass-end of nowhere. I only moved here to be close to my niece and nephew.

No, he doesn't know what I make. We've only been dating a few months and I'm private about how much I'm squirreling away. I drive an older kia, bought a standard 3/2 house last year but have almost paid it off. The issue is he saw one of my invoices to a vender pop up on my notifications. Bill was about 5k.

He was shocked I was paying that much. I told him it was the cost of doing business and he was like, "Must be nice to drop twice what a normal person makes a month on business." I'm usually water off a duck's back when it comes to conflict so I told him it would be nice if I didn't have to pay that bill at all.

He dropped it but I was getting a vibe from him the last few days. Seemed distant. I visited at his place and asked him what was wrong and I guess seeing me pay someone 5000 set him on a complete spiral. He's trying to figure out how "he can be a man" when I'm off "paying other men" more than he makes.

I did not like the implications of that, like I'm a h--ker or something, and asked him if he freaks out on farmers who drop thousands on equipment. He said it was different and asked how much I make. He hasn't asked before, which was a little on me because I always give the impression what I make isn't that impressive.

I had a bad feeling so I lied and told him 120k, which is "officially" my salary take. (Hi IRS!) If you know what S-Corps are, you have an idea what I mean. Anyway, he burst into tears. I think if I was nicer I should have consoled him or something? I know he's feeling like a loser -- which he's not. He has a cool job IMO and he's super knowledgeable about farm stuff which I find interesting.

He's a pillar in the community because we're surrounded by ranches and he knows everyone, and again I find it really cool -- but he was upset that I see more money on the regular than he sees in a year. I may had dropped the ball a bit here and told him he's going to have to find a way to be okay with not being the provider, and then just got out of his house.

I just couldn't figure out a way to make him feel better without lying more or making myself small. I guess I could have told him that working in a farm store is super f-ing manly or something, I dunno. It's easy to think of these things afterward. My guess is it's some early mid-life crisis, but I resent that it's coming at my expense.

That because I'm doing well, he feels bad. If I found out he secretly had a lot of family money I'd be really happy and glad for him. But no, learning I could cover a 5000 dollar bill for my own business made him feel like less of a man to the point where he had to throw shade on me. That's a "him" problem. I'm still kinda pissed about that.

I don't know. I'm also coming from a place of super-privilege because it's been a few years since I've had to think about bills and I don't care what people say, that changes you.

So AITA? (And also, what do I do now?)

The internet had OP's back.

Longjumping_desk3205 wrote:

NTA. One of my brothers was married to a woman who made at least 4 times what he did. He did most of the cooking and she loved it. She thought my brother hung the moon. The only reason they're no longer married is that her third battle with cancer took her. Neither of them ever had an issue with who made how much.

OP responded:

That's very sweet and I'm sorry for your family's loss.

ggrandmaleo wrote:

NTA. I was a blue-collar worker. The usual reaction to a wife who made more than my male coworkers was, "Now I don't have to work overtime." It was rare that it bothered them. The minority that were bothered by it ended up divorced.

PurpleLightningSong wrote:

When I met my husband, he made 4x what I did. I didn't have a degree, and he did. He told me I was really smart, showed me a bit about his industry.

Now I make about 25% more than he does in the same industry.

He's tickled pink and so proud. He jokes that he's a kept man and loves to joke that I'm the bread winner. I always tell him I got lucky and I owe it to what he taught me, but he'll always counter that I did the work. We both say the other is smarter. He tells me all the time he thinks I'm better at this than he is.

I tell him he's better. We land on both being great just different strengths and we live doing projects together. Your partner should be proud of you, not competitive. It's a partnership not a competition so it's kind of a red flag that he's viewing it that way. My husband and I think of the assets as joint so it doesn't matter who makes more. At the end of the day it's ours.

Hmldylmhere wrote:

NTA at all. A normal, mature partner would be happy for you. I make more than my partner. It’s not a reflection on either of our work ethic or importance.

It’s not your responsibility that his masculinity is so fragile that he gets upset by you earning more than him. Although your relationship might not survive.

A month later, OP shared an update.

Long story short, my boyfriend of 5 months who doesn't make a lot, found out I make a hell of a lot (he makes around 30k a year and I'll be clearing 400k, though I was caught off guard when he saw a financial email and told him 120k).

He freaked out and had a minor emotional meltdown because he realized he would never be 'the provider'. I told him to get over it. Not a huge surprise to anyone, but we talked it out and a big reason he reacted badly is because he's in a bad spot.

We live REALLY rural and 15 dollars an hour in a farm store is basically the top pay without a major change of life on his part. (Moving away, somehow changing jobs when there are no real jobs, winning the lottery...). The stress got to him and he didn't react well. He apologized and our relationship limped along for a few more weeks, but he started making little digs at my career.

Saying stuff like how he can't believe I make so much money for 'silly projects', that it's wild I make more money than a doctor when I'm not saving lives. Things like that. Typing them out, they sound like mild nitpicks. And I certainly have a love-hate relationship with my art when I'm in the weeds on it, but I didn't like the vibe that was coming from him. It felt resentful.

Instead of being happy that he had a gf who was doing well, it felt like he saw it all as a failure on himself. Like, I kinda think my future is not great because AI is coming for my job...but if I somehow do even better, then how would I explain it to him? Without him freaking out? I broke it off and he didn't seem that upset, so I guess it was a good call.

Though suspiciously one of the local churches has contacted me for money for their local charity. They seemed to know that I'm a high earner even though I've kept it private. (I even use a registered agent for my LLC) So, I think he's been telling people tales. It's a small town, so that's fun. Anyway, thanks for all the advice on the last post. And for f-ks sake, I don't do OF.

The internet did NOT hold back.

Glittering-Cold-791 wrote:

Good for you. I don’t understand why it’s such an issue if one side earns more than the other. Be happy for your partner that they do well and support them. I think you dodged a bullet by leaving because if he can’t support you there then he’d probably be making problems in other things later on as well. Good luck for your future!

Grimwohl wrote:

I really, really don't get this. You would come home to a foot rub, a back rub, and probably oral and all the chores done. All he had to do was appreciate you as a person and get over not being the breadwinner, and bam, good life for your both. He's gonna be kicking himself for a while.

ObsidianNight102399 wrote:

What a small, fragile little man, lol. Good riddance....just be on the lookout for an onslaught of a bunch of random dudes suddenly interested in getting to know you!

picklelady wrote:

When we started dating I made much more than my (now) husband, and he is significantly older than me. But I was career-driven, and he had been a small business owner for 13 years. He thought it was awesome, I was the one who saved up the down payment for our first house while he was switching career paths.

Now I've been self employed for the past 10 years making almost nothing (less than your ex-boyfriend), and hubby's career pays all the bills. The thing is, when you're a team, it doesn't matter. My success was his, his success is mine, because we support each other and allow each other to thrive. OP, I hope you find your teammate.

OP responded:

"OP, I hope you find your teammate."

Thank you so much. I'm going to let the sting of this fade for a little bit then put myself back out there in search for a true teammate.