"AITA for not disclosing family wealth to my BF?"
Let me make this clear upfront I (25f) am not wealthy, my family i.e. my parents and grandparents are. As an only child one day I will inherit a good portion of monetary assets but today isn't that day. Today I'm just an RN, who makes around 40k USD a year because I am just starting out in my chosen career.
I live in a flat which I pay for myself each month, I drive a second-hand car because it works just fine, I pay all my own bills, and I don't take extravagant trips or anything like that. I love my life I worked hard to get this far my parents didn't even pay for college because they wanted me to succeed on my own.
I've been dating my bf for just over a year we became serious about 6 months ago. So this weekend when my family had a get together at my parent's house which is 3 hours south of where we live. I felt it was a perfect opportunity for him to get to know them and vice versa.
Everything initially seemed great until we went to bed on Saturday night in the guest house that's on my parent's property. And his attitude did a complete 180.
He seemed really angry so I asked him what was wrong and he started accusing me of lying to him about myself. In his mind, I essentially lied about who I am as a person. I told him I never lied I've told you all about my childhood we did normal family things like camping. It's not my money so it's not a part of who I am it's my parent's money.
He started accusing me of hiding other things that I haven't so I told him he was being a complete AH about this and judgmental. He even accused my parents of flaunting their money when they had been nothing but polite and genuinely nice offering to connect him with contacts for mentorship for his business he runs out of his apartment.
We've been home for a week now and he won't let it go. He thinks I'm the AH obviously and I am starting to wonder. I haven't discussed this with family as I don't want them to have a sour any potential relationships. But my best friend thinks he's overreacting because he didn't grow up with money and his life experiences are clouding his views of just seeing my parents as people.
Please help me. I need an unbiased opinion here.
Edit: Since everyone is wondering about what type of wealth we are talking about. My family lives outside of Santa Rosa, CA yes they have a gate to get to their property but the gate is shared with the other houses that turn off the main road that goes up the mountain. The median household income is around 65-75k.
My parents own several (5 or 6 I don't keep track) hotels (no we aren't the Hiltons by any means.) He knew what city I grew up around and that we lived outside the city. No, I didn't spend my childhood jet setting and my parents always made it very clear that it was their money that they worked for. My mom is a nurse as well. When he asked I told him, my mom is a nurse and my dad owns a few businesses.
Also, inheritance is never a guarantee the economy could fall tomorrow and they could lose everything.
Edit 2: Because it's come up a few times now in order to avoid answering the same question over and over. No, I've never ever borrowed money from him. When we go out on dates we either go dutch or alternate paying.
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
[deleted] said:
NTA but take this 🚩
[deleted] said:
NTA. You were right not to disclose your parents wealth as it is none of his business. He has some real issues with them having money. The fact he cant let go is a real red flag.
[deleted] said:
NTA. You sound like a good egg. My compliments to both you and your parents. I would carefully consider your boyfriend’s reactions. If he can’t let this go, you may need to let him go.
CarbonReflections said:
Info request even though I’m still going with NTA. What was his big issue? Did he have some type of presumption that you grew up poor, did he relate to you more because he thought you shared a similar struggle? Just looking for more context is all.
OP responded:
I'm not sure to be perfectly honest. I never implied I grew up poor when he asked about how I spent my summers as a kid I told him my family is really outdoorsy so we spent a lot of our time camping. Going to the beach (we live in CA I now live in the northern part of the state.) He knows I am a nurse and I worked my way through college I guess he just assumed that meant I didn't come from money.
CarbonReflections said:
Definitely odd. I mean you would think most people would be happy to hear someone that they may spend their life with has a potential large inheritance later in life, since it would ultimately benefit both of you. Just a shot in the dark, but maybe ask if he feels like you are slumming it with him and you brought him home to upset your parents?
OP responded:
Maybe? That's something to definitely consider. But I don't see why he would see it as such.
porkodorko said:
YTA. So you just talked about camping and such and happened to omit that your family is very wealthy? You guys have been dating for over a year, so he should certainly have an idea whether you grew up working class, upper middle class, etc. It's not that it should influence how he feels about you - it's just something that comes up through normal getting to know someone.
Yes, it's your family's wealth, but your part of the family - it's not something that has never impacted you. It's nothing to be ashamed about, but if this completed blind-sided him then you essentially did lie through omission.
And Never_Toujours said:
ESH. Him for obvious reasons. You suck for making your family’s wealth a big issue by hiding it. You’re one year into a relationship and your family’s economic situation never came up because you’re hiding it.