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GF feels taken for granted as BF delays marriage; 'AITA for not doing extra for my boyfriend?'

GF feels taken for granted as BF delays marriage; 'AITA for not doing extra for my boyfriend?'

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"AITA for not doing extra for my boyfriend?"

Natural_Beginning183

I moved in with my boyfriend last year. He had on multiple occasions brought up us getting married and would even suggest venues and things of that nature prior to me moving in.

So in my mind, us moving in was just us surpassing a small step towards our plans to building a life together. After moving in I kind of fell into a “wifey” role. I wash his laundry and put it away, do the grocery shopping, cook meals, clean the house. I pay a share of the utility cost.

After moving in, there was some discussion of us getting married for a short time. He would often randomly ask “You still wanna marry me?” Or “You want to get married?”.

The last time this was asked I simply said “yes, so when?” and his reply was just that he didn’t know or something of that nature. He now tells me he sees us getting married in the future but not right now or that it’s not at the top of his list.

I’ve asked about us getting engaged and he says rings are too expensive, I’ve sent him rings I would be happy with, the most expensive being $100 and he says I’m worth more than something that cheap.

My relationship before this one we lived together for a short time and then married. I suppose after moving in with my current boyfriend I fell into the wifey role maybe because that’s what I was used to?

I enjoy doing all these things for him, but I feel like he basically has a wife and all of the benefits without the commitment, so why would he ever get married? He made a comment recently during a conversation that he had never had someone take care of him the way I do other than his mother and his ex wife.

This kind of woke me up I suppose. I no longer cook meals, I feed myself. I no longer grocery shop for him, only myself. I still wash his clothes because it feels rude to not when I’m already washing my own. So am I the AH in this situation for trying to switch to a role as simply being the girlfriend even after all this time? Because that’s what I am, just the girlfriend.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

anothertypicalcmmnt

NTA - Even if you were his legal wife you wouldn't be obligated to do all of that on your own. It could be a shared responsibility. I would think about this though. If the only reason this guy wants to marry you is so you start taking care of him again do you really want to marry him?

I'm not married, but I would hope my future husband would want to marry me because he wants to build a life with me, wants to be able to act as family if one of us in the hospital, etc. not for the maid/cooking services I provide.

Walktothebrook

ESH. You showed him wife energy and he seems to have taken it for granted. I’m not a fan of passive aggressive behavior and not cooking or shopping falls into that category. Be candid with him that you expect him to commit to a timeline.

The OP responded here:

Natural_Beginning183

The last sit down conversation we had in regards to us getting married I asked if he could define what “in the future” meant and if he could give me any kind of a timeline whether that be in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years and so on.

He ended the conversation by saying that this was me giving him an ultimatum that if we don’t get married I’m leaving. I didn’t understand how that was an ultimatum or how that translated in that way and still don’t.

karmarro

You are only TA if you stay. He has no plans to marry you. He has all he needs and divorces are expensive. If being married is what you want, you would need to move out and break up and find someone who is ready to marry you.

asiancheeky

NTA! One of my relative did the same with her ex, playing housewife without the ring.
he proposed in a week and they didn’t last that long! Stick to your guns; you deserve commitment or at least some shared chores!

The OP again responded here:

Natural_Beginning183

We have a good relationship as far as most things are concerned. We both have children with previously partners and he takes care of my kids like they’re his own and vice versa.

We parent the same, get along with each other’s family’s. Both agree on no more kids. Everything is really good aside from simply the non-commitment of us being married. Could I possibly just be overthinking the situation?

North-Mousse5561

It sounds like you've been putting a lot of effort into the relationship communicate your feelings openly with your boyfriend and discuss your expectations for the future.

ZeeWingCommander

NTA - but it seems like this is more relationship advice than genuinely being about you being an AH. Can't even say he's an AH.

phucktranz

How do guys like this keep a girlfriend?

AgitatedJacket9627

Your post kinda reads like your BF is stringing you along. He asks you if you want to get married, then when you say yes, all of a sudden he gets cold feet and puts you off. Same with engagement, keeps coming up with frankly lame excuses and rejects every proposed solution/answer.

That’s my guess but I could be wrong. In any event, NTA, but maybe think about whether you want to stay with someone who doesn’t seem to want what you want long term, or at least doesn’t act like he does.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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