"AITA for not firing my nanny so my ex and I can share?"
My ex and I have 2 kids (5 and 7). He has the kids every other Monday-Friday. Their school doesn’t have a good after school program. We let the kids go there if we’re desperate but I have a nanny and he has his mom pick up the kids most of the time.
My ex has been extremely difficult with child support. We’ve been separated for 11 months and he hasn’t given me a penny. After my ex and I separated, one of my kids teachers recognized Jenna saying she primarily worked with single parents and low income families.
Jenna told me her rate is $35 an hour if I want her to only work for my family. I told her I can’t afford that so she offered a 2nd option. She works for me but she also does backup care or finds another family to work for.
When she only has my kids I pay her $25 an hour. When she has other kids (almost every day) I pay her $15. I also do some other work for her like basic accounting , writing up contracts for the other parents to sign, and writing waivers for her driving the kids in exchange for the lower rate when it’s just us.
We’re the only people she works with consistently but she has a list of people that use her when their after school care falls through for any reason other than contagious illness. She typically has extra kids at least 3 days a week but usually closer to 4 or sometimes 5.
She has a routine. She picks up all of the kids, everyone gets a snack (she provides snack unless the kid has an allergy or special diet), they head to the library where everyone that has homework does homework and everyone else reads or plays quietly.
After homework they go to museums, the community pool, splash pad, arcade, the park, events at the library, second snack, then parents start picking up or she starts dropping off the kids.
My ex’s mom is getting to a point where she can’t watch the kids every day but my ex doesn’t want a nanny that’s watching up to 5 kids at a time. Jenna isn’t willing to take multiple families on my weeks and only my kids on my ex’s weeks because she’d lose clients if she wasn’t available half the time.
My ex and I agree that it would be better for the kids if we had consistent childcare but he isn’t willing to try Jenna and I can’t afford to pay more than what I’m currently paying.
I’ve tried telling my ex that I will get another nanny if he pays for it but if not I will stick with Jenna. Now he’s saying I’m not willing to work with him for the sake of the kids and I won’t consider quality childcare because I’m not willing to pay more than $15 an hour. Now I’m wondering if I am wrong for not getting a new nanny.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA assuming your custody/ child support agreement requires that he arrange for his own childcare of days where he is responsible for the kids. Your childcare situation is great. There’s nothing wrong with it, it sounds like you are getting an excellent service for a very reasonable price.
aitanannyshare (OP)
Yes he is responsible for child care during his time. I am also supposed to be getting child support but right now I’m not getting anything.
Yeah I saw that. If you were collecting the child support owed to you, I’d totally understand being more willing to work with him. But in this situation, you are doing the right thing.
Why haven’t you taken him back to court to make him pay the child support. Also what that “nanny” charges is not low income, this story is odd.
aitanannyshare (OP)
We’re still finalizing the divorce. $10-15 per hour is extremely cheap for childcare around here. My kids school’s aftercare is a lawsuit waiting to happen and they charge $12/kid/hr. My neighbor’s teenage daughter charges $20 per hour plus $5/kid/hr for every additional child.
Jenna sounds incredible. I imagine your kids have a great time with her and they get to socialise with other kids as well. The thing is you have joint custody. He doesn't owe you child support as he has the kids equal times and can make his own arrangements on his weeks.
NTA Your ability to afford something different isn't relevant. Him paying his support wouldn't be relevant. You are not responsible for his responsibilities! You have a good situation with the current carer. Him not liking that she also cares for other kids is absolutely a him problem.
He needs to resolve both his own emotions and his responsibility to provide care on his days. Even if he was paying the support he should be paying, it would not be your problem to resolve his child care issues.
His mother is probably fine, she is just getting as sick and tired of being used as you should be. He is the one that isn't willing to work with you to find quality childcare. His plan is failing and he wants you to solve it.
He needs to find another solution and bring you aboard, but he also should only be expecting you to pay the same rough total you are now. He clearly wants you to be fully responsible.
If he does finally come around to Jenna being his solution to his parenting problem make sure the work you are doing for her to get the discount rate is only coming off your share if the bill. I can see why you are divorcing. He's a selfish jerk. Good luck.
NTA. Your ex hasn’t paid a penny in child support for almost a year but has the audacity to demand you fire a perfectly good nanny who’s giving you a discounted rate? That’s rich.
Jenna sounds amazing - she’s experienced, has a great routine for the kids, and is affordable. Your ex wants to dictate childcare arrangements without contributing financially, which is completely unreasonable.
If he wants different childcare, he can either pay for it himself or start paying the child support he owes so you can afford something else. You’re not being difficult - you’re being practical with the resources you have. The fact that you’ve even offered to get another nanny if he pays for it shows you’re the one willing to compromise here, not him. Stand your ground on this one.