'AITA for not fixing my wife's 'mom guilt' when she freaked out about us going to a concert?'

"AITA for not fixing my wife's 'mom guilt?'"

My wife (33F) and I (35M) have been married for 4 years and have 2 sons (3 & 1). With two young kids and both of us working full-time, we obviously don't get a lot of time for ourselves and even less for the two of us as a couple. We've had maybe 2 "dates" since our youngest was born.

My wife has at least been able to attend a couple of her friends' weddings, but I haven't had social time just for myself in probably 6-months. My wife has been lamenting our lack of social lives and asked me to plan something for us to do as a couple because she doesn't have the mental energy for it.

A few weeks ago I saw that one of her favorite bands is playing a show in a town we used to live in before we got married. We still have friends there so I reached out to them to see if they would want to attend the show with us. They agreed and even offered for my wife and I to stay with them for a night so we wouldn't have to drive home after the show.

I told my wife about it and instead of being happy or excited, she immediately went off about how we have no one to watch the kids, we've never both been away from them for a night, etc. I told her that I had already asked my parents to come stay with the kids for a night and they were excited for it. But my wife kept going off about how our kids haven't been sleeping well, what if X, Y, or Z happens, etc.

I did my best to calm her down and asked her if I should just cancel the whole thing because it doesn't sound like she's on board with my idea. She said she wants to do it, but she's just worried about leaving the kids for a night. I told her that this plan is literally exactly what she asked me to do but if she doesn't want to do it, then we can cancel. She again said she didn't want to cancel.

Well, the concert was this past Saturday. My parents arrived Friday so that they could have a night with us and the kids at home to get familiar with our routine. Everything went fine that night. But, the next day as we were getting things packed up and ready to go, my wife became hesitant. Instead of packing, she was running around asking my mom and dad a bunch of questions related to the kids.

I tried to get her to focus on the concert and seeing friends, but I couldn't do it. Eventually, I asked her if she still wanted to go. She said she wasn't sure. She told me she was feeling guilty about leaving the kids overnight. I told her that we both need to have time for us to behave like adults, and this is our chance. She then told me that I should just go by myself because she doesn't think she will enjoy herself.

So, that's what I did. I went and saw friends and spent the night and had a great time. When I got home the next day, my wife was upset with me. She told me she didn't think I would actually go without her. She said having my parents there without me was uncomfortable for her. She told me I should have done more to soothe her "mom guilt" so that she could've gone with.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Apart-Ad-6518 wrote:

NTA. "I told her that we both need to have time for us to behave like adults, and this is our chance. You did exactly what she asked you to & planned something. "She then told me that I should just go by myself"

Which you did.

"She told me she didn't think I would actually go without her."

Why? You aren't a mind reader. The babysitting arrangements were adequate. She needs to address her process & anxieties around this issue.

Major_Barnacle_2212 wrote:

NTA. I was prepared to go another way, but you did exactly what she asked of you AND you facilitated the obstacles by finding free lodging and safe kid care! The only work left for her was the mental work to go, and her choice was not to. While it was her right not to go, she can’t be angry that you did. There was no reason that required you both miss the concert.

hubertbrunette wrote:

That's classic, and the cure for it is for herto get out of the house and have fun. Then she'll discover it's all fine. If it doesn't, or she really can't, she definitely needs therapy. This isn't okay for her, it's terrible for your marriage, and surprisingly enough, it's likely to make her a bad mother.

A parent who hovers around and won't even go out of town for one night can get enmeshed, or unintentionally weaken kids' independence, make them resent her, or end up resenting them. NTA.

FreeVerse11 wrote:

NTA. It’s hard leaving your kids for the first time, but she literally wanted you to plan a night out, and then when you did got pissy about it, you offered to cancel and she got pissy about that too. I would have left her also, nothing you did was right, your wife needs to figure herself out. I’m glad you went and had fun.

-Strangway wrote:

NTA. You delivered an adult evening, and took care of all the mental work that goes into organizing it, including finding trusted childcare. In this situation she needs to own that she wasn’t ready, not that you didn’t do enough—you did everything you could, and had already been giving her positive affirmations leading up to this.

She’s 100% TA if she’s giving you any grief about this. There’s no problem if she wasn’t ready, but making this about what you lacked in this situation is a slow way to k-l the initiative that goes into planning these things for someone, especially if it becomes a pattern.

Regarding you going without her, given her very cliched, “no, you go without me”… can’t knock you for going through with it, but if the writing wasn’t on the walls with that one! But again, you’re committed parents—adults—she should be speaking her mind to you plainly, seeing as you do seem care about her needs and input, and not looking for you to read between the lines.