Husband criticized for not soothing wife’s mom guilt as she backs out of date night plans SHE asked for. AITA?
"AITA For not fixing my wife's mom guilt"
momguiltaita
My wife (33F) and I (35M) have been married for 4 years and have 2 sons (3 & 1). With two young kids and both of us working full-time, we obviously don't get a lot of time for ourselves and even less for the two of us as a couple.
We've had maybe 2 "dates" since our youngest was born. My wife has at least been able to attend a couple of her friends' weddings, but I haven't had social time just for myself in probably 6-months.
My wife has been lamenting our lack of social lives and asked me to plan something for us to do as a couple because she doesn't have the mental energy for it. A few weeks ago I saw that one of her favorite bands is playing a show in a town we used to live in before we got married.
We still have friends there so I reached out to them to see if they would want to attend the show with us. They agreed and even offered for my wife and I to stay with them for a night so we wouldn't have to drive home after the show.
I told my wife about it and instead of being happy or excited, she immediately went off about how we have no one to watch the kids, we've never both been away from them for a night, etc.
I told her that I had already asked my parents to come stay with the kids for a night and they were excited for it. But my wife kept going off about how our kids haven't been sleeping well, what if X, Y, or Z happens, etc.
I did my best to calm her down and asked her if I should just cancel the whole thing because it doesn't sound like she's on board with my idea. She said she wants to do it, but she's just worried about leaving the kids for a night.
I told her that this plan is literally exactly what she asked me to do but if she doesn't want to do it, then we can cancel. She again said she didn't want to cancel. Well, the concert was this past Saturday.
My parents arrived Friday so that they could have a night with us and the kids at home to get familiar with our routine. Everything went fine that night. But, the next day as we were getting things packed up and ready to go, my wife became hesitant.
Instead of packing, she was running around asking my mom and dad a bunch of questions related to the kids. I tried to get her to focus on the concert and seeing friends, but I couldn't do it.
Eventually, I asked her if she still wanted to go. She said she wasn't sure. She told me she was feeling guilty about leaving the kids overnight. I told her that we both need to have time for us to behave like adults, and this is our chance. She then told me that I should just go by myself because she doesn't think she will enjoy herself.
So, that's what I did. I went and saw friends and spent the night and had a great time. When I got home the next day, my wife was upset with me. She told me she didn't think I would actually go without her.
She said having my parents there without me was uncomfortable for her. She told me I should have done more to soothe her "mom guilt" so that she could've gone with.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Major_Barnacle_2212
NTA. I was prepared to go another way, but you did exactly what she asked of you AND you facilitated the obstacles by finding free lodging and safe kid care! The only work left for her was the mental work to go, and her choice was not to. While it was her right not to go, she can’t be angry that you did. There was no reason that required you both miss the concert.
Throwaway638594737
NTA. You made all the arrangements and took care of everything—she can’t expect you to do more. Sometimes you have to take a step back and let her handle her own feelings.
Apart-Ad-6518
NTA. "I told her that we both need to have time for us to behave like adults, and this is our chance. You did exactly what she asked you to & planned something. "She then told me that I should just go by myself" Which you did.
"She told me she didn't think I would actually go without her." Why? You aren't a mind reader. The babysitting arrangements were adequate. She needs to address her process & anxieties around this issue.
Malleus55TX
NTA in any form. She asked you to plan something. You took her at her word and did it. She gets mad. She tells you to go by yourself. You took her at her word and did it. She gets mad.
She refuses to let go of her “mental load” after you’ve gone above and beyond to handle it. Somehow it’s still your fault and she gets mad. She needs to learn big kids words and actually communicate what she wants or learn to let things go. If it’s because she likes playing these games, then buy her a Xbox.
hubertburnette
That's classic, and the cure for it is for herto get out of the house and have fun. Then she'll discover it's all fine. If it doesn't, or she really can't, she definitely needs therapy. This isn't okay for her, it's terrible for your marriage, and surprisingly enough, it's likely to make her a bad mother.
A parent who hovers around and won't even go out of town for one night can get enmeshed, or unintentionally weaken kids' independence, make them resent her, or end up resenting them. NTA.
Ok-Vacation2308
NTA, but I'd talk to your wife about seeing her doctor for post partum anxiety, because her asking your parents a dozen questions isn't guilt, it's worry. It can stay around for a long time, not just directly after birth, and she likely needs a professional to tell her it's real and there are things she can do to get better.