'AITA for not giving financially towards my son’s wedding and honeymoon?'
"AITA for not giving financially towards my son’s wedding and honeymoon?"
My son (22m) is getting married this June and I think we have done more than enough financially towards his life, at this point I personally feel like we’ve enabled him. My husband and I are lower middle class, and have 3 other boys that we also care for, 2 are over 18 and one is 16. There’s no way that we can provide for them the same way we have our oldest, and it’s really not fair to them.
For starters I gave my oldest his first car because he drove his brothers everywhere, and he helped out a lot so I had no problem giving him that car, he TRASHED it!
By the time he went to college he had completely ran it into the ground, I got a new car and loaned him my mini van, he TRASHED IT TOO it no longer drives and it’s parked outside his college apartment. My husband loaned him our company vehicle and it’s well on its way being completely trashed.
When he came to us and informed us that he was asking his gf to marry him we had major hesitations, we still pay his car/health insurance and even though he was supposed to be helping with the car insurance he has maybe paid once. I wouldn’t have let this go on this long, (I should clarify he’s my stepson).
He texted me and asked “you guys are paying for the honeymoon right” my head almost popped off. So my husband said he’d handle it. The deal he made is he’s going to give our son the company vehicle and we are done. He also is coming off our car insurance. We are literally SPENT, we are NOT rich!
This weekend he tells me, hey we need to order the tux and I responded “We?” And he was like “yea it’s going to be a couple 100” and I was so shocked at the entitlement!
When it comes to the wedding I’ve worked with the bride and paid for things for the wedding so I haven’t been completely unhelpful, also paying for part of the wedding shower. But we have 3 other kids, we literally can’t afford anymore things that he as an adult should be paying for. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Upper_Assignment9201 said:
You’re not an ahole but you and your husband created an entitled monster with your permissiveness. He trashed the first 2 cars and yet you’re giving him another. Stop. You have 3 other children; you are jeopardizing your own financial future. He’s a big boy and if he’s old enough to get married, he’s old enough to support himself.
Unfortunately he’ll be TA about it and you’ll have to be firm that you have done all you can do for him and he’s on his own. Your younger sons probably already have resentments about how he’s gotten everything and they won’t.
jrm1102 said:
ESH - you for enabling him. He’s 22 and getting married - cut the cord. You keep giving him cars?!
NonsensicalBumblebee said:
NTA, personally I subscribe to the philosophy, only have a wedding that you can afford, and I'm assuming he's a grown man. But you've already helped him, you said that you are paying for other aspects of the wedding, so you aren't even leaving him high and dry. So asking for more is being greedy.
I do think you need to talk to him though. If you have been enabling him (and just giving him cars, letting him run them down, and then giving him a new one is enabling) it may not even occur to him what he is doing is wrong. Which sounds ridiculous and is ridiculous, but you've been financing him so why would he think that things change now.
Sit him down, tell him he is an adult, he needs to start financing himself, and you will no longer be paying for his life. Explain that a wedding is not a necessity and all the money up until now has simply been a gift, but he needs to pay for this, and all his future expenses on his own. Be clear with him.
OkSeat4312 said:
YTA, but not for your actual question. You don’t have to contribute more than you want toward the wedding and honeymoon. BUT, you and your husband created this mess. You chose not to treat your kids equally, but instead you expect him to just “understand”. Don’t spoil your kids and then be shocked that they are spoiled.
When your kid trashes a car, you tell him to fix it. When he’s supposed to pay for insurance, you request it every month. If he doesn’t pay, you administer a consequence (like calmly taking the car away since he doesn’t have insurance!) What you two actually did was akin to giving an alcoholic a drink.
Now, you have created a second problem. Your younger kids are going to notice that they won’t be treated the same as the oldest.
disney_nerd_mom said:
NTA. He's spoiled. And why exactly did you loan him two other cars after he trashed the first? That's on you all. Cut the money and the gifts and the help ASAP. Be clear. "Son, we've given all we can. There is no more money, cars, favors, insurance etc. There are other members of this family that have not received a tenth of what we've given you. It stops now.
There will be no more contributions for anything - either wedding-related or anything else in family." Be very wary that they don't try to come move in with you and have you take over their expenses. You might also make that clear that they are not welcome to move in with you.
YkFrozenlady said:
YTA for creating the entitlement, why are you still continuing to enable him? You kept giving him vehicles? He is not ready for marriage, he is a child. How long before GF sees this when there is no money helping? Your 3 other poor kids are losing out because of him.
Do they think he is the favorite you love him the most? Do they resent you? How can you even think to ask if you are the AH for saying no? You have other children and keep pointing out you are "lower middle class" but don't stop. Tell hubby to stop the guilty conscious gifting.