'AITA for 'prioritizing my daughter over my stepdaughter' and not giving into my wife's demands?'
"AITA for not giving into my wife’s demands?"
So I (47) have been married to Fiona (49) for 2 years and together for 4, so we met and began dating when I was 43 and she was 45. I got married when I was 21 to Tracy (47) and we divorced when were 41 after 20 years of marriage. We have 3 kids from this marriage, Leo (23), Cassie (20) and Bella (9). Fiona also has a daughter, Lucy (28).
I see my kids quite a lot, but obviously the older two have their own lives and are adults, so Bella is around the most as I have equal custody with Tracy. This also means Tracy is actively involved in my life and we had an amicable divorce and were still on good terms. No funny business, just as friends.
Anyway, about a month ago, Bella won this competition. She worked her butt off and she did so well in it that Tracy and I took her out for a meal with her older brother and sister to celebrate.
I tried to get my wife to come along and even Lucy but they both refused. Lucy and i have never got along despite me trying as she has always been bitter about her mum and dads divorce and Idk why Fiona refused. So the five of us just had a nice meal and told Bella how proud we were and we had a nice time.
Fiona asked how the meal was and I told her it was fine. That was that. Recently, Bella has been staying with me and Fiona. Since I work from home, I have more time to spend with her. I thought it was going great until recently.
Recently, Bella’s iPad (for education purposes) broke. Well I bought her a new one online and Tracy sent me half off the money and as soon as it got here, Fiona was furious. She blew up at me calling me an AH saying that I’m prioritising my “old family over your new one.” She said it’s not fair I bought my daughter something she needed and that I’m not “spoiling” Lucy.
I said to Fiona that even when we began dating, Lucy was a grown ass woman and she has never liked me. She then brought up the family meal and I reminded her they were both invited, like they’ve always been to family events, but she turned their refusal around on me saying it put them in an uncomfortable position as my ex wife was there.
We started arguing and I told Fiona she couldn’t expect me to spoil her child who grew up with her dad and who I’ve only known since she was an adult and she practically hates me. She then demanded I stop buying things for Bella branding me an AH if I did and I told her “she is my daughter and if her mom and I want to buy her anything, especially something she needs; then I can do that.”
She then called me an AH again and stormed out and hasn’t been talking to me since. AITA?
Edits:
- I should have mentioned, I tried really hard all this time to build a relationship with Lucy and have always tried to include her as much as my own kids, but she isn’t having it.
- an alarming amount of people have mentioned that this is the start of an abusive marriage and that she may already be doing this to Bella. I’m gonna need to do some investigating and protect my daughter and talk to her to see if anything has happened I don’t know about.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
mezlabor said:
NTA definetly NTA here. Your wife has some jealousy issues. I'd be worried about how shes going to treat Bella dude.
OP responded:
This has only recently started. She’s never had an issue until this happened. I am very worried that she expects me to get stuff for her daughter who’s almost 30 but not mine who’s not even 10.
Lawyersluvpitties said:
NTA OP Your daughter is a child of 9. Her daughter is a grown as woman pushing 30. They’re not remotely comparable for the simple fact one is legally dependent on you for everything. You either buy her what she needs voluntarily or do it as ordered by the court. Your wife is acting petty and childish.
Her jealousy is showing and the fact that she’s jealous of a little girl having an iPad for school that her mother paid half the cost for makes this all the more ridiculous. She has more issues happening here than what she’s admitting/claiming. No, you should not be buying her adult daughter expensive gifts for no reason randomly throughout the year.
Presumably her daughter can get a job, earn her own money and buy her own things. And her Mom can “spoil” her. That’s not your job regardless. In any event this wasn’t a gift you gave or was it spoiling and your wife is TA.
Fmeedead said:
NTA. I'm getting a bit upset about how your wife is saying she and her daughter are your new family, completely disregarding the life you had before her, and more importantly your children.
Children are the most important things to ever happen to you. My son comes before anyone else, and for her as a mother to essentially ask you to put her, a woman you haven't even been with for 10 years above your flesh and blood? Your wife sounds like she is starting to go a bit crazy from the pandemic and self quarantine
OP responded:
Yeah that comment has made my blood boil